ASK Musings

No matter where you go, there you are.

Monthly Archive: September 2013

Monday

16

September 2013

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COMMENTS

What I’m Reading – September 16, 2013

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I’ve started a new job and my work schedule is changing. Today was my last Monday off … and it was lovely.

– I actually don’t know if I agree with this decision, but it is certainly interesting: University of Edinburgh bans Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’ from playing on campus (h/t @schemaly)

– Washington Post takes a stand on the name of the NFL team from D.C.: Roger Goodell calls an audible on the Washington R*dskins name (h/t @EdgeOfSports)

– Kindness, man. It’s pretty awesome: This Woman’s Obituary is the Best Thing You’ll Read Today (h/t @JillFilipovic)

– Being human: these folks are doing it wrong: Americans Call First Indian American Miss America Winner a Terrorist (h/t @irevolt)

– This is a long, but sort of fascinating, read. How one man attempts (ish) to be an ally, ends up being just awful. Great investigation: The Genderbread Plagiarist (via @cisnormativity)

– What can we do to stop things like this? It’s so disgusting: Jonathan Ferrell, Former Football Player, Killed by Police After Seeking Help Following Car Wreck (via @EdgeOfSports)

– In other disturbing news: Three Students Got Kicked Out Of An Arkansas Public School Because They Might Be HIV-Positive (h/t @LaurenARankin)

Monday

16

September 2013

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COMMENTS

Girl, Interrupted

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Three Stars

150px-Girl_interrupted_book

Content Note: Discussion of depression, mental illness, suicide.

I’ve seen the movie – the one that won Angelina Jolie her best supporting actress Academy Award, the one starring Winona Ryder and featuring Whoopie Goldberg as the head nurse. It’s the one about a young, white, middle-class woman who commits herself into a psychiatric institute at the direction of a therapist. I felt some sort of inexplicable connection with it the first time I saw it, to the point where I ended up purchasing it. On VHS. I found a DVD of it at a going-out-of-business sale a few months ago. It reminded me that I wanted to read the book it was based on.

I should say loosely based on, because the book painted a much sparser picture than the film. In the book, Ms. Kaysen does tell some stories about the women she encountered while at the facility, and those women were definitely present in the film, but some of the stories in the film differ. There isn’t the same overlap, and clearly the narrative arcs of those women were expanded to make for a more involved film. It’s also possible that Ms. Kaysen shared more information with the screenwriters to flesh out those women for the film.

The book stands well on its own though. It is disjointed at times – it’s not a straight through memoir, but instead a collection of essays – but there is a lot of wisdom in the writing. The author has clearly had time to reflect on what her diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) meant then and means to her now, as the book was written 25 years after she was discharged from the facility. For example, her discussion of her suicide attempt is really interesting – she thinks of it as wanting to kill only part of herself – “the part that wanted to kill herself” – which is both pretty meta but also makes a lot of sense. She also describes mental illness as coming in two forms: slow and fast, or ‘viscosity’ and ‘velocity’.’ “Viscosity causes the stillness of disinclination; velocity causes the stillness of fascination. An observer can’t tell if a person is silent and still because inner life has stalled or because inner life is transfixingly busy.”

The book is also interesting as a study (although again, a sparse one) of the facility itself. Kaysen describes it quite vividly, but she describes the feel of it even better: “For many of us, the hospital was as much a refuge as it was a prison. Though we were cut off from the world and all the trouble we enjoyed stirring up out there, we were also cut off from the demands and expectations that had driven us crazy.”

The author clearly struggled with whether she really was ‘crazy’ enough to be in the facility – some of the other residents seemed to have much deeper mental health concerns than she did. Was she being self-indulgent? Was she just someone who didn’t accept the rules everyone else accepted, and did that make her crazy, or just different? Or both? And would she have been viewed differently if she had expressed the same feelings and taken the same action but were a young man, not a young woman, in the late 1960s?

I would recommend this book to anyone with an interest in this area. It was a very quick read for me (only a couple of hours) but I do feel like I got a lot out of it. I wish there had been more, so I’m going to look at some of her other work, as I did enjoy her writing style. Her self-awareness and introspection could come across as navel-gazing in less competent hands; instead the book provided me with an interesting introductory look at how mental health is viewed.

Sunday

15

September 2013

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COMMENTS

What’s in a name, really?

Written by , Posted in Feminism

Many articles have been written about the decision to change last names after marriage – here’s another one!

I am a feminist. That’s not a surprise to anyone who knows me; I subscribe to the belief that those who identify as men and those who identify as women (along with those who don’t identify as either) of all races deserve equal treatment. I believe in things like equal pay, paid maternity and paid paternity leave, and flexible work schedules. I believe that marriages should be equal partnerships; I am physically sickened by the idea that the man in a heterosexual marriage is the default head of the household.

For the most part, other than when I say that I am choosing not to have children, people don’t really feel the need to weigh in on my personal life choices. However, when it came to the Mister’s and my decision about what to do about our last names once we got married, our personal business became open for debate among some of our relatives. It’s interesting, what some people think they are entitled to weigh in on.

When it came time to decide what to do about our last names when we got married, the Mister and I had a few discussions. If you do a search for ‘feminism’ and ‘change last name’, you’ll likely find some interesting takes on the concept. The vast majority of Americans still follow the patriarchal tradition of a woman taking the husband’s family name. Many awesome women still do that – my sister-in-law, many of my closest female friends, and my mother all made that decision. I DEFINITELY find nothing wrong or anti-feminist about deciding to take the husband’s last name; however, I do personally think that the decision should come not because it’s just what people do, but from a discussion about what’s best for the new family.

As far as we saw it, we had these options (in order of what society assumes is appropriate):

  1. He keeps his last name, I take his last name
  2. He keeps his last name, I hyphenate my last name by adding his last name to mine
  3. We both keep our birth names [I refuse to use the term ‘maiden’ name anymore because a) it doesn’t apply to men and b) let’s be honest – how many of us were still ‘maidens’ when we got married]
  4. We both hyphenate his name before my name / We both hyphenate my name before his name
  5. We both take my last name
  6. We both take a new name, possibly one from one side’s family (say, a grandmother’s birth name)
  7. We both take a new name made up of letters from our birth names.

Clearly option one would have been the easiest route. It’s so engrained in our collective thinking that one of our relatives even asked whether I was allowed to keep my name once we got married. However, as we are not having children, we didn’t see any need to default to this option. If we were the last of the Mister’s Last Names AND were going to have children? Sure. Or if perhaps I really hated my birth name? I could see how this would be an easy option. But none of those applied. In fact, since we aren’t having children, choosing his last name felt like I would be ditching my family. I’m not saying that’s what I’d be doing, or that others who don’t plan to have kids but take the man’s last name are doing that; I’m saying that’s how I felt.

Option two would have been a little more ‘progressive,’ but we wouldn’t share a last name, and one thing we were firm on was if one of us were going to change our last name, then it was going to result in us both having the SAME last name.

Option three was going to be the default if we couldn’t agree on anything. In the end though, we did like the idea of sharing a last name. So many people (wrongly) think that you aren’t “really” a family until you have kids. That’s quite offensive to those who cannot have children as well as those who choose not to reproduce. However, in that light, one way to publically solidify that we are, indeed, a family, is to share a last name.

Option four was not great either – while neither of us have especially long last names, both of us hyphenating would still have been a mouthful and created logistical problems from a government ID perspective. Plus, whose name would come first? Would people just drop the second name and end up defaulting to calling us by the last name that came first?

Option five seemed like just another version of option one, although we know that’s not the case. Men who choose their wife’s family name are pretty rare; in some states they have to pay a significant amount of money to make the change because it’s not ‘traditional.’ Laws like that are so sexist; thankfully our state does not have such laws. For us, this option also didn’t make sense; there was no need for him to jump ship from his family name to take mine.

We never seriously considered option six, although another couple at the courthouse the day we changed our names was doing just that. It seemed like a very cool thing.

While on our honeymoon we agreed that if we were going to change our last name, then we would go with option seven: a shared last name that was a mix of his last name and my last name. Soon after our return, we confirmed the decision. From our perspective, this was the best of all worlds AND met all of our criteria:

–          We would share the same last name

–          Neither of us would have to feel like we were leaving our family or picking our spouse’s family over our own

–          We would be able to fit our new last name on a driver’s license

We wrote down all the letters of our last names and started mixing them up. There were a few options that were funny, but only one really stood out, and it’s the one we chose. It let me keep my initials (which I really like – hence the blog title), and also sounds vaguely Irish, which is a heritage we both share. Score!

We took the steps to legally change our names and then told our parents mostly for logistics reasons. We believe that this does not impact them in any practical way, and while I can see having an emotional reaction to change – much like the reaction to realizing that their children are married –how they chose to communicate their feelings has spoken volumes to me about our relationships.

I’m proud of our decision. I’m sad, however, that doing something as basic as choosing the best route for us as a couple is seen by some as hurtful. Hopefully more and more people will feel comfortable making similar decisions if they fit their new families, until we can get to a point where the default is not ‘well obviously she’ll take his last name,’ but instead ‘are either or both of you planning to change your last name’? That would be awesome.

Thursday

12

September 2013

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COMMENTS

What I’m Reading – September 12, 2013

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We got a respite from the heat today. Huzzah!

– Oh for FUCK’S SAKE: Report says University of Alabama’s white sororities keep black women out

– Another trans woman murdered. What is wrong with humans? Denton County authorities investigating murder of transgender woman (h/t @DrJaneChi)

– Word. Female Sports Fan Says ‘Don’t Troll Me, Bro’

– Bigotry against fat people – concern trolling edition: Barbara Kay: Fat-acceptance is not the answer to obesity (h/t @FatBodyPolitics)

– I think I’ll write more (oh so much more) about this gem this weekend but let’s start off with the title. It’s not up to the parents to decide whether to ‘send’ their daughter to college – it’s up to her to decide whether she wants to go to college. It gets more disgusting from there: 6 Reasons (+2) to NOT Send Your Daughter to College (h/t @schemaly)

Wednesday

11

September 2013

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COMMENTS

What I’m Reading – September 11, 2013

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We’re re-watching WALL-E. It’s that kind of day.

– Yup. Confirmed: Men Take Up Too Much Space on Planes (h/t @scaTX)

– Well, this would explain a lot. Attorney for Trayvon Martin medical examiner preparing $100M lawsuit (h/t @carolynedgar)

– That’d be awesome. It’s Time for a Black Feminist to Head the NAACP (via @AngryBlackLady)

– Yeah. “Fitspiration” is questionable, at best. The Six Most Shockingly Irresponsible “Fitspiration” Photos (h/t @TheRotund)

– Lindy West is the awesome. Why the Hell Are On-Screen Interracial Relationships Still a Big Deal? (via @TheLindyWest)

– Interesting. Undercover cops will wear 49ers jerseys in Seattle on Sunday night

Tuesday

10

September 2013

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COMMENTS

What I’m Reading – September 10 2013

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It’s going to be in the 90s in Seattle tomorrow. That is not okay.

– The depressing reality of programming and young women: To My Daughter’s High School Programming Teacher (h/t @baubert)

– Bloomberg sinks lower; I’m so happy that NYC will have a new mayor soon: A Lesson on Racism for Mayor Bloomberg (h/t @LaurenARankin)

– Interesting read: How the right plays with murder: The antiabortion movement’s cycle of violence

– A man pleads guilty to tricking his girlfriend into taking an abortificant. The problem: Undermining Our Rights In Order To Save Them (via @ShakesTweets)

– I do not miss the often disgusting and violating encounters I had on the subway in NYC: The Soapbox: Why Do We Feel Ashamed For Being Sexually Harassed? (via @LaurenARankin)

– Oh Richard Dawkins. Your a dick (TM): Richard Dawkins Pedophilia Remarks Provoke Outrage (h/t @SophiaPhotos)

– Bad. Ass. Fashion first when plus-size styles hit runway (via @ajam)

– Well this seems awesome: AFL-CIO Adds Transgender Protections To Its Constitution (h/t @SophiaPhotos)

– So, yeah. If I were to drink beer? This ad would totally win me over: An Incredible New Guinness Ad Breaks The Industry Stereotype (h/t @WomenActMedia)

– This pic still has me giggling. The Mister is not as amused. Whatever: SO FUNNY (via @AngryBlackLady)

– But tonight we end with something ADORABLE: An Otter showing you its baby.

Monday

9

September 2013

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COMMENTS

What I’m Reading – September 9, 2013

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Nice weekend for sports (if you’re me) – Huskies have a bye but move up on the rankings, Seahawks win, and most importantly, 49ers win. Football has begun! Now onto the links…

– Penny Arcade apologized. Much of it seems sincere, but I still disagree with the comment about pulling the shirts. Also, calling it “Some Clarification” is pretty cowardly. Just call it an apology. It’s really not that hard: Some Clarification (h/t the Mister)

– Taking white privilege to task: “South Side” Woman Writes Martin Luther King Inspired Letter To White Republicans (h/t @schemaly)

– This dad is awesome: Seeing a Woman: A conversation between a father and son – See more at: http://natepyle.com/seeing-a-woman/#sthash.AfmvsfxG.dpuf (h/t @baubert)

– Man, there’s a whole lot of wrong in the new Texas text books: Texas approves renaming slave trade as “Atlantic triangular trade” (h/t @DrJaneChi)

– This. Is. Horrifying. Americans use the Internet to abandon children adopted from overseas (h/t @Karnythia)

– Five women? Maybe two people of color? The hell? Digital Media History (h/t @JessicaValenti)

– Sexism in science fiction. The Curious Incident of the Novelette and the Hugo Ballot

– In other news, people still treat fat people horribly: Fat Body Politics (h/t @GradientLair)

– The U.K. is winning. The contest? Not forcing our children into gender roles: Toys ‘R’ Us U.K. Agrees To Stop Labeling ‘Boys’ And ‘Girls’ Toys (via @ThinkProgress)

– Now Forbes is recognizing the racist name of the team from our nation’s capitol: Dan Snyder Should Change The Name Of His Football Team Now (h/t @EdgeOfSports)

– Oh Russell Brand. Nicely done. Russell Brand Kicked Out of GQ Awards For Pointing Out Hugo Boss Made Nazi Uniforms

Friday

6

September 2013

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What I’m Reading – September 6 2013

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Spent the morning at the fair. Mmmm. Fair food.

– This dad is AMAZING. Would that all parents could accept and be happy about who their kids are: My Son Wears Dresses; Get Over It (h/t the Mister)

– I’ve never been to a con – not their target – but with the information I have, I certainly am not going to start: I Cant Go Back; or Why I’m So Bent Out of Shape About Penny Arcade

– More on Penny Arcade: Why I’m Never Going Back to Penny Arcade Expo (h/t @femfreq)

– So Hobby Lobby took out an ad in papers trying to suggest that the US in a Christian nation. Freedom From Religion Foundation picked it totally apart: In Hobby Lobby We Don’t Trust (via @ffrf)

– I look forward to reading her work on this: Breaking My Silence (h/t @JeremyScahill)

– Ah, rape culture: College students cheer sex abuse (h/t @JessicaValenti)

Wednesday

4

September 2013

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What I’m Reading – September 4 2013

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Zoolander, man. Good times.

– Here’s part two of the article I linked to a couple of days ago: Teaching Naked, Part 2 (h/t the Mister)

– Another analysis of Orange is the New Black: ‘Orange Is the New Black,’ and How We Talk About Race and Identity (h/t @scaTX)

– Diana Nyad’s swim in perspective: What Diana Nyad’s Cuba-To-Florida Swim Tells Us About What It Takes To Make It To The U.S. (via @scaTX)

– One parenting technique: We Post Nothing About Our Daughter Online (h/t @FeministGriote)

– Really, Starbucks? Also, can we have a real conversation about how fucked up it is that corporations can pay below-poverty wages and the rest of the company ends up paying for their workers to have food stamps and medicaid? If they pay such a low rate, shouldn’t THEY be responsible for directly paying for the food stamps? Or at least have to account for the cost to society in their balance sheets? Starbucks Fires Employee on Food Stamps for Eating a Sandwich from the Garbage (via @StrangerSlog)

– I’ve worked for this man twice (first as a volunteer with Special Events, seeing him behind the scenes, and working for a City agency). I liked some of his policies. But I don’t like his racist police department policies and I don’t like him wasting money suing the City Council for trying to fight back: Mayor Bloomberg sues NY City Council over curbs on stop-and-frisk (via @ajam)

– You guys, make a note. DoJ is doing the right thing: Gay Veterans’ Spouses To Receive Benefits After DOJ Announces It Won’t Enforce Marriage Definition

– What’s up with the racism, Tulsa? Afros and dreadlocks are not ‘fads’ for Black children – they are natural hairstyles. Cripes. Tulsa school sends girl home because ‘dreadlocks’ and ‘afros’ are too distracting (h/t @DrJaneChi)

Tuesday

3

September 2013

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What I’m Reading – September 3 2013

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Fall is nearby, and I am excited about it. I like the crisper weather, and I still get that feeling like I’ve got a fresh start on the year. But the ass hattery just keeps truckin’ on:

– Add this to the list of things women can’t do because … vagina? But not all women have vaginas, so I don’t even know. Male conductors are better for orchestras, says Vasily Petrenko (h/t @MissRepresentation)

– Damnit I love philosophy: No, you’re not entitled to your opinion (h/t @JillFilipovic)

– NOPE. Texas Guard refuses to process same-sex benefits (h/t @DrJaneChi)

– Oh goodie. Let’s shame people on food stamps. Publicly. Shall we just get the stocks out of storage now? ‘Artemis of the wildland’ fliers target Portland neighbors on food stamps (h/t @JillFilipovic)

– Apparently we can’t even rely on network news to take the position that killing your autistic kid is wrong: CBS News Should Retract Report Excusing Mother’s Murder of Autistic Child (h/t @AngryBlackLady)

– And finally (h/t the Mister): this is everything – especially Lt. Uhura’s reaction shots: