Two Stars

Best for: People looking for a time capsule that explains lots of what’s wrong with business.

In a nutshell: Protocol expert offers some … traditional ideas about what is proper etiquette in the business world.

Line that sticks with me: “There is merit to the thought the more professional the woman, the longer her hemline.” The fuck?!

Why I chose it: Someone gave it to my husband (I think) and as someone who runs her own small etiquette blog (https://www.hownottobeanassholewhen.com/), I love reading up on what other people have to say.

Review: Do any of you read Ask a Manager? It’s a great website full of advice on workplace challenges. Just last week, there was a letter that discussed someone being fired for wearing a costume at work on Halloween, and then trick or treating in a meeting of high-level executives and clients. Pretty much all of the commenters on the site agreed that the trick-or-treating showed extremely poor judgment, but I was surprised at how many thought that just DRESSING UP ON HALLOWEEN showed extremely poor judgment. I get that I don’t work in finance, but my goodness I wish more people in business would pull the stick out of their ass.

That said, this book would probably be a perfect read for those who think that it’s a breach of professionalism for a woman to wear a suit in a color other than navy blue, black, or charcoal gray. But that’s not just it. It’s that every component of what Ms. Bowman considers appropriate protocol is focused on this weird manipulation and power game. I haven’t worked in the private sector in a dozen years (I’m a government gal), but holy shit. Picking a seat based on which has the most power? Offering my hand first for a handshake to show I’m dominant? Are we cavemen? The hell?

This is a two-star for me because there are some tips in there that can be helpful. But so much of it falls somewhere between eye-roll and throwing the book across the room. She judges a woman as unprofessional for not wearing make-up. She thinks the most important thing when introducing people is to make everyone’s status clear to everyone else. She repeatedly talks about control and power positions. In the sample statements she offers, she sounds like a robot.

Part of the book also suffers from being technologically dated. She seems to dismiss websites as fine to have but not necessary; she thinks what will matter most is the quality of paper stock promotional papers are printed on. She also has a whole chapter on gender but focuses on what women should be doing to fit in. It feels like it was written in 1981.

I love etiquette. I think it matters that we treat other people respectfully. But this book isn’t about any version of respect that I buy into – it’s about manipulating situations to get power and about conforming to very narrow ideas of what ‘professional’ means. Not cool.

Four Stars

Best for: Those interested in reading a range of stories about an interesting, talented woman.

In a nutshell: Actress Gabrielle Union shares stories from her life.

Line that sticks with me: “There’s an epidemic now of people “being real” when they’re being anything but. It’s the person who loves being “Someone” who notices every little thing wrong with what you say, do, wear, or think, and has to point it out.” (p 178)

Why I chose it: I’ve been meaning to read it, and needed something to get another item from Amazon delivered same day.

Review: This was a read-it-all-at-once kind of book, and I enjoyed it a lot. Ms. Union covers so many topics in her life, from growing up in a predominantly white community and school, to some of her on-set experiences, to her rape at a Payless Shoe store when she was 19. Some chapters are light, and some, obviously, are quite serious.

Memoirs are one of my favorite genres, and I’ve read a bunch over the years. Some hover at the surface. Some only tell quirky or fun stories because that fits their image (or, possibly, because their life has only ever been fun and quirky). But in this one, Ms. Union dives deep, and is able to move from story to story seamlessly. She reveals not just the things you might expect to read about (Hollywood parties), but things that you might not, like what it’s like to be hounded about whether or not you’re pregnant when you’ve experience eight unsuccessful IVF cycles.

Ms. Union talks about what it’s like to raise black boys in a society that kills them for just existing. About what it’s like to be one of the only black girls at a wealthy white high school. And she talks about the importance of friends and of taking care of yourself. It’s a book that I’ll be thinking about for awhile.

Five Stars

Best for: Anyone interested in death and mourning rituals from around the world.

In a nutshell: Author and funeral home owner Caitlin Doughty follows up her bestseller “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” with a look at different funeral and mourning rituals in an attempt to get those in some parts of the West who may be in denial about death to think about it differently.

Line that sticks with me: I’m going to cheat here and offer two:
1. “Cailin, can you smile a little, you look so dour.” “This is a human head. I don’t need pictures of me grinning with a severed human head.”
2. It’s a lovely thought, and a tree may grow from the soil provided, but after the 1,800 degree cremation process, the remaining bones are reduced to inorganic, basic carbon.”

Why I chose it: I love her first book and have since attended the Death Salon that her organization hosted in Seattle. She’s delightful in person, and her personality really comes through in her writing.

Review: This is one of those books that I didn’t want to put down. I started it late last night, and read almost a third of it before forcing myself to go to sleep. I then read it at the gym, on my walk to get errands, and finally finished it off while eating lunch.

Ms. Doughty is interested in helping those of us who might be living in a state of denial around death come to terms with the reality that everybody dies. Some folks are more privileged in this way than in others; people who have either personally experienced loss or have seen death in their community may have an all-too-familiar relationship with the concept of death, while others have only experienced death as part of the end of a very long life of a beloved great grandparent.

But, as we all know, we will all die. If you watch the Good Place, the most recent episode (”Existential Crisis”) shows what can happen when this concept first solidifies in a person’s mind. But in many cultures around the world, death is a part of life, and Ms. Doughty travels to learn more about these practices. Like the rituals of those who live in South Sulawesi, Indonesia, and participate in the Torajan funeral, where individuals are removed from their ‘resting place’ by family members and cleaned and redressed on a regular basis. Or in La Paz, where ñatitas (human skulls) are displayed in some homes where individuals can come and make offerings to receive assistance in areas of their lives.

Back in the U.S., Ms. Doughty also looks at some alternatives to the traditional US cremation or burial, such as open-air funeral-pyre-style cremation, or recomposition (e.g., composting human remains).

As I said, I found this to be a fascinating read. Ms. Doughty is extremely respectful as she learns about other cultures – she isn’t there as a tourist, or as someone interesting in making a judgment. She is genuinely interested in learning from those who do it better than we do, in an attempt to figure out how to improve what’s going on at home.

Three Stars

Best for: People interested in an exploration of what family means, told through an unconventional concept.

In a nutshell: Researcher is interested in creating broader supports for families, and so enlists nine couples and one single mother to enroll in the Infinite Family project.

Line that sticks with me: “David kissed her quickly, which struck Izzy as something he’d seen work out in a movie. She, on the other hand, hated the presumption that she would change her mind if she only made out with him.”

Why I chose it: It chose me! Sort of. This was an advance reader’s edition that I picked up during Indie Bookstore day in Seattle earlier this year. It was wrapped, so I didn’t know what I was getting until I opened it.

Review: This is, for the most part, an interesting tale. It is told mostly in the third person from Izzy’s point of view, although it is occasionally told from Dr. Grind’s perspective. Izzy is just about to graduate high school when she learns she is pregnant by her art teacher. He claims to want to be with her, but only if there is no more baby; she opts for the baby instead. Her mother died when she was 13; her father provides her with food and shelter but little else.

Dr. Grind, meanwhile, is a researcher who was raised by the Constant Friction Method, which his parents created and sounds a bit like torture – their thinking being that if he’s often uncomfortable (maybe his bed will be there tonight, maybe it won’t) and faced with challenges and loss (maybe his dog will be here in the morning, maybe he’ll never see it again), then he’ll develop the ability to handle anything that comes his way. And it seems to have worked, except now he’s more interested in creating families that can be expanded and support each other even if they aren’t related.

Hence the Infinite Family Project. Ten families (all but Izzy’s including one man and one woman) who are due to give birth in a certain time frame are selected to live together in a commune. It isn’t a cult; the parents are free and in fact encouraged to get jobs and pursue further education outside the community, but for the first few years of their children’s’ lives, the kids all sleep communally, and the parents all help raise their little ones. Each family has its own apartment, but the children don’t move in until they are about five. The project is meant to run for 10 years.

This is not nearly as soap opera-y as it could have been. Author Wilson does a good job of exploring how this impact Izzy as both the youngest parent and the only one without a partner. But I always felt distant from her. Perhaps it’s the third person writing, although I’ve connected with characters in similar writing styles. Perhaps it’s because the character of Izzy herself is meant to be a bit removed. I cared about her, but didn’t feel totally invested in her or the other parents. I did feel marginally invested in Dr. Grind.

I can’t say that you should run out and buy it, but if the plot sounds interesting to you, I think you’ll probably enjoy how it plays out.

Five Stars

Best for: Everyone who spends time online. So, you know, all of us.

In a nutshell: Video game designer who experienced the hell of online attacks tells her story and provides us all with the tools to fight back.

Line that sticks with me: So many! But this is a great one: “Pretty much everything we’ve been told about dealing with online abuse is wrong, but the misconception that ‘trolls’ will just go away if they’re ignored is possibly the most damaging.”

Why I chose it: My husband purchased it (he’s works in the same field as Ms. Quinn), and I was excited for the opportunity to read about how she’s handled the abuse and what she is working on these days.

Review:
You may have heard of Zoë Quinn. She is the incredibly talented video game designer behind Depression Quest. Unfortunately, you may be more familiar with her as the person viciously targeted by an abusive ex-boyfriend in what eventually became known as GamerGate.

In this well-written and incredibly relevant book, Ms. Quinn shares her story. We hear first-hand about what it can be like to be in the center of a near-literal shit storm, and learn about how she worked (and is still working) through it. This changed her life. She went from being a couple of weeks away from moving with her boyfriend to France (where he was to start a new job) to having to couch surf and eventually leave her home in Boston because of the harassment.

The men who decided that they would believe Ms. Quinn’s abuser went after her like a mob. They targeted her online presence from multiple angles, but also doxxed her, finding out her phone number, her address, her dad’s phone number. Anyone who spoke out in her support — especially those who work in her industry — as also targeted. She, and those associated with her, have had to take very serious security precautions, to the point where she urges people to not share her location if they see her in public.

Instead of disappearing, though, Ms. Quinn has been a vocal advocate for change in our systems. She spends time in this book discussing the ways law enforcement is ill equipped to handle this, including how the system of restraining orders can actually make contact with abusers unavoidable (via court appearances) as well as make personal information readily available (as most of these orders require the petitioner to provide their address and phone number). More importantly, Ms. Quinn is quite aware that involving the police is not something a lot of people want to do if they are part of a group that has a history of being treated poorly by law enforcement. She has also been trying to work with tech companies that, as she points out, can somehow quickly ban for life a person who posts copyrighted Olympics footage, but claim their hands are tied with people spewing death threats.

Another thing that has come from this is that Ms. Quinn and her former boyfriend Alex started Crash Override to assist others who are being targeted by online abuse. They — along with unnamed agents — help people address the abuse, from assisting with gaining back control of hacked accounts to escalating issues at tech companies. They are temporarily not taking new cases, but have a wealth of resources available on their website to help people navigate the systems.

Some of this book will get your blood boiling, because it’s so frustrating to read tech companies essentially doing the bare minimum and not taking the steps that exist to help fix things. Its infuriating to learn that a judge could say with a straight face that Ms. Quinn should just find a new line of work, as though that should be an acceptable outcome of the abuse her ex boyfriend instigated. It’s frustrating that this is all continuing today, on a regular basis.

One thing I also wanted to mention is that Ms. Quinn is good at pointing out that her story is just her story, and that other people — especially people of color and trans people — also experience this kind of harassment, and, unless famous, usually are ignored. I appreciate that she is focused on finding solutions that will work for the most marginalized, not just people like her, who have some measure of privilege.

Please go read this book.

Four Stars

Best for: Anyone interested in a good (failed) crime story, or the human desire to just leave it all behind.

In a nutshell: Author Elizabeth Greenwood explores the lengths (mostly men, usually arrogant) go through to leave behind their lives.

Line that sticks with me: N/A (didn’t have a pen with me when reading it)

Why I chose it: Do you listen to the “Wine and Crime” podcast? Because it’s great. And they did a whole episode on faking one’s death, including an interview with the author.

Review:
It started with an idea the author had, after realizing how much student loan debt she had, and how unlikely it would be that she could pay it off any time soon. And since student loan debt can’t be discharged through bankruptcy, the author briefly flirted with the fantasy of just leaving it behind the only way she could – if she ‘died.’

While she didn’t end up faking her own death (at least, not exactly, although she does have her own death certificate, courtesy of a contact in the Philippines), she decided to look into the people who do fake their own deaths.

Of course because of the nature of the topic, Ms. Greenwood can only discuss people who failed at faking their own death. There are people who have succeeded, I’m sure, but because they did, we don’t know they did. And while the people who fake their own deaths (and get caught) are overwhelmingly men, it’s unclear if there are women who do it and are just more successful at it, or if women are less likely to do it because they generally feel less able to walk away.

Ms. Greenwood doesn’t just focus on the people who do the faking – she also talks to the investigators who look into possible life insurance fraud, as well as the children whose fathers left. And in one unexpected chapter, she looks into those who believe that famous people (namely, Michael Jackson fans) faked their own deaths.

This is, admittedly, my kind of book. I enjoy books that look into death and crime, and I enjoy non-fiction. So while I was already primed to enjoy it, I think I am being fair when I say that this is a really good book.

Four Stars

Best for: Anyone possibly considering a move to Denmark. Or just people who like fish-out-of-water stories.

In a nutshell: Writer Helen Russell moves with her husband to the land of Legos for (at least) a year, and takes the time to document her experience and how it differs from life in the UK.

Line that sticks with me: “ ‘We have a lot of ‘curling parents’ in Denmark, who do everything for their kids and won’t say not to them. The expression is named after the sport — only it’s the parents with the brooms who keep brushing in front of their kids, removing any obstacles to make their lives easier.’ ” (pg 204)

Why I chose it: It’s possible I’ll be embarking on my own year of living Danishly in the next few months.

Review: This is a fun, fairly quick read (despite its 350 pages). Author Helen Russell decides to spend some of her time in Denmark getting to the bottom of why the country is consistently ranked as having the happiest inhabitants. She breaks the year down by the twelve months, focusing on one area in each month. She explores the home, the workplace (we’ll get back to this), child-rearing, the social support net, health, culture, and traditions, among other things.

Some bits are fascinating, and I’d be interested in reading a review from someone who was born and raised in Denmark. I’ve heard that the Scandinavian system — very high taxes, lots of social support, but not nearly as much income disparity as in places like, say, the U.S. — is great in general, and given the fact that in the U.S. our elected officials seem hell-bent in taking what little access to health care we are guaranteed away from us at the first opportunity (for example), it sounds a bit like a dream.

However, it is lacking in some parts. First, while Ms. Russell does sort of mention the issue when talking about animals and a law passed that was seen as impacting Kosher and Halal preparation, she doesn’t really discuss what life is like for immigrants who are not white. Do they have the same levels of happiness? How are race relations in the country in general?

The other main area that is lacking is the discussion of the workplace. While she does share some of her husband’s experiences, because she is a freelance writer, she doesn’t have first-hand knowledge of what it’s like to work in a different country’s office.

Three Stars

Best for: Someone looking for a quick read that has only a marginally absurd premise

In a nutshell: Journalist Cannie Shapiro deals with many different issues, kicked off by the fact that her ex is writing a magazine column about her.

Line that sticks with me: Nothing stood out enough to underline.

Why I chose it: I became aware of Ms. Weiner because of the chapter about her in Too Fat Too Slutty Too Loud and thought it’d be fun to check out her work. Starting with her first book.

Review:
There is so much to enjoy about this book, and one storyline that dropped the rating for me. I’ll talk about what I loved first (mild spoilers below).

I’m 6 feet tall and technically overweight (per BMI, which I know is bullshit, but whatever). I’ve never purchased a button-down shirt that I can actually get to close across my bust. What I’m saying is, as far as her feelings about her appearance go, I could certainly relate to Ms. Shapiro. The scene in the weight loss clinic was so wonderfully written that I was practically cheering when the nutritionist went running.

I also enjoyed the bit of fantasy fulfillment that occurs in her relationship with the movie start Maxi Ryder. Maxi is such a sweet person who becomes a true friend to Cannie, that I was fine with some of the more absurd things that happened as a result of that friendship.

I also enjoyed that Cannie was a strong women in her work life. She wrote the stories she wanted, she didn’t take shit when she was brushed off, and she managed to write a screenplay that gets picked up. And I appreciated that she was complicated – just because she was able to get shit done at work didn’t mean she had everything else worked out.

But what I didn’t like was how she spoke of her mother’s relationship with her mother’s partner, Tanya. I get that other reviewers have thought that it was more about Cannie being upset the loss of her old life, but it was so heavy-handed that I found Cannie to be quite homophobic. Especially when she dismisses her (then) boyfriend’s comments about how it’s not cool to be responding this way as being too “PC.” I’ve mentioned before that I have zero tolerance for people who use the term “PC” as an insult. I’m not sure if Ms. Shapiro was trying to be edgy, or didn’t know quite how to give Cannie a personality flaw so she would be more complex, but making her homophobic (and repeatedly revisiting that) was a hugely off-putting.

I don’t think Ms. Shapiro meant that, and I’ll look to see if she’s addressed it in other interviews or essays. If not, then I’m probably done with her work. If so, then I might check out another book of hers.

Three Stars

Best for: Those who enjoy a good memoir; those who enjoy a story about someone rising to the pinnacle in their artistic field.

In a nutshell: Misty Copeland tells the story of her life, from living in southern California to being promoted to be the first African American female principal dancer at the American Ballet Theatre.

Line that sticks with me: “In ballet, appearance is critical. That may seem superficial or frivolous, but in an art form that is visual, and so much about grace and suppleness, it definitely matters.” (p 108) (I am not a fan of the implications in that line.)

Why I chose it: I enjoy going to the ballet, and I’ve seen articles describing her talents in the past.

Review: I often find it hard to write reviews of books that I don’t love and don’t dislike. This book falls into that middling category, although do want to say that I think this is a fine book, and that people who are interested in learning more about Ms. Copeland’s life will not be disappointed.

It is full of candor, and benefits from having distance from many of the more difficult subjects she addresses (her childhood, the fight over where she should live). Though not all stories are in her past, as especially in the second half of the book when she shares more of her experience not just as a dancer starting many years late, but as a black dancer in a field dominated by white dancers.

I appreciate Ms. Copeland’s honesty as she navigates how to share the feelings she has about her field, especially as she is still in it. It’s possible that this book might look different if written a decade after she stops dancing – I’m thinking of how the book by Abby Wambach, who has retired, had a very different feel from the one by Carly Lloyd.

The one thing that I found frustrating, and it was a small section, was in her discussion about the challenges she faced when she finally went through puberty and found herself curvier than other ballerinas. It’s interesting to read her stand up for herself – that she should be viewed based on her skill and ability, and not punished for not fitting the antiquated idea of super-thin, white ballerina, but in the same breathe say things like the line I pulled up top. Would she support someone with as much talent, skill, and grace as her who was, say, 300 pounds? She doesn’t seem to want limits placed on herself, but at the same time seems to accept different limits that she agrees with. I have a hard time reconciling that.

As someone who enjoys ballet, I enjoyed the discussion of the work that goes into creating that art. I think to enjoy the book you should at least have some interest in ballet.