ASK Musings

No matter where you go, there you are.

Monthly Archive: December 2020

Thursday

31

December 2020

0

COMMENTS

Oh 2020…

Written by , Posted in Adventures

It’s almost a new year! According to the world, it’s time to make resolutions, set new goals, recommit to being our best selves!

It’s also about to be Friday. Like any other Friday. In much of the northern hemisphere, it’s cold out. It gets dark here at 4pm. There’s nothing very motivating about knowing I’m going back to work on Monday (though I am lucky I have a job to go back to).

Do you remember this time LAST year? In the US, folks were so excited to kiss 2019 goodbye, because we knew by the end of the year, we’d (if there is a god) have a new president ready to be sworn in on January 20. Hopefully Elizabeth Warren, or Kamala Harris. But definitely not Trump.

Many of us set goals. Travel more. Spend more time with friends. Finally apply for that stretch position at work.

And then … COVID happened. For most of us, the goal became survival. For some, that was physical survival – keeping the lights on and food on the table, or avoiding getting sick while working an essential job. For others, it meant mental survival – extroverts trying to figure out how to get any energy when all social interactions are behind screens, parents trying to support kids who had no energy release or social outlets. As time went on, we saw more and more people showing how little they care for others. People taking vacations or unnecessary trips for jobs that weren’t at risk, possibly spreading the disease. People refusing to wear a bit of fabric over their nose and mouth when near others. People screaming about MA FREEDUM while dismissing concerns of people protesting for actual threats to their freedom (e.g. folks fighting to defund the police and get others to recognize that Black Lives Matter).

So much of 2020 has disappointed me. 70 million+ people thought voting for a racist rapist to have a second term in office was just fine. A smaller minority, but one that includes elected Republicans, have spent weeks claiming an election was stolen when clearly, OBVIOUSLY, it was not. A Republican Senate refusing to provide meaningful, consistent support to those who have been most impacted by the pandemic. Just so many people who do not care about anyone but themselves, or perhaps those who look exactly like them.

It is disgusting.

2020 also took people from us, whether the nearly 350,000 in the US killed by Trump’s failure during this pandemic, or beloved actors like Chadwick Boseman. It took opportunities from us. It took time with family, it took new jobs, it took money, it took energy. There is so much grief out there that so many haven’t begun to process.

A familiar refrain on social media was ‘F*** 2020’ or ‘2020 strikes again,’ to the point that some people started to get indignant at that. Their argument is that things have always been bad for some people, and it’s simplistic and ignorant to just keep blaming the year. Folks, we know that. There aren’t a lot of people out here literally thinking there’s some sort of magic that the numbers 2020 conjure to add to all the bad shit that has happened. But sometimes, one doesn’t have enough characters in a tweet or time in their mind to dive into all that has gone into making an event horrible. 2020 is shorthand for decades, centuries of crap building and building into the mountain we see before us.

My 2020 wasn’t as horrible as it could have been. I was able to see my parents in February, when my dad had surgery. I landed at SFO the same day the last flight from one country in Asia was allowed to land. I was able to visit friends in Seattle just as the first cases were showing up there. When the UK finally went into lock down I was able to seamlessly work from home without issues. And when things started to reopen, my soccer season began, which meant I did get to socialize with people weekly.

But I’ve been mentally exhausted for months. Seeing how poorly things are in the US. Experiencing the horrible response in the UK. Trying to stay in touch even though Zoom meetings suck the life out of me. I’ve been frustrated at not being able to see friends in person, not be able to travel (basically my favorite thing). Shoot, I haven’t browsed a book store in at least ten months and it’s just so strange. And, in perfect 2020 fashion, our refrigerator died on Monday night, so we go into the new year ordering take-out and making due with a mini fridge that fits a few essentials.

So now that 2021 is rolling around, I am not assuming things will be much different. Now, January 20th, that will be a good day for those of us who care about other people, who believe in justice. But we’re still be in the middle of a pandemic. A lot of people who chose to travel or spend time with family outside their bubble over Christmas will be in ICUs or dying from the pandemic, because the vaccine is going to take a long time to get to everyone.

Given that, I’m looking at 2021 as a rebuilding year. At least the first half is going to be just as hard as 2020. I’m not buying any plane tickets just yet, or scheduling any in-person events. My birthday will be spent ordering take-out, because eating in a restaurant is just another way to catch or pass the disease on to others (not that restaurants are even an option in Tier 4 London). Maybe by late spring I’ll go inside a place for more than just the time it takes to grab what I need and go (or to get yet another crown, because my teeth hate me). That’s not totally conducive to the life I want to live, so I’m going to keep focusing on the things I can do while keeping myself and others safe. Working from home (which I know is an immense privilege). Focusing on hobbies I can do at home (reading, sewing, baking). Staying connected through texts and calls. Building my physical and mental strength. And I’m going to continue to focus on building relationships from a place of compassion without compromising my values.

So Happy New Year. May we all manage our expectations for 2021, but may it at least be better than 2020.

Tuesday

22

December 2020

0

COMMENTS

My Year In Books 2020

Written by , Posted in Reviews

I once again hit my reading goal in 2020 – 52 books, one for each week in the year. But even though I had a lot of free time this year, since I no longer had a commute every day, no longer could do most of what I enjoy doing (traveling, going on adventures), I still had a hard time concentrating on books. I would start one and then put it down. I found myself turning to fiction a bit more than usual, reading seven mysteries set in Iceland alone. I also continued reading a lot of books that I characterize as sociology — books on activism, racism, sexism. And made use of audio books much more than in any recent year, taking them in while on the runs that keep me active while we continue with the lock downs in the UK.

I continue to favor books written by women: 38 were written by women; 14 were written by men. Unfortunately, the diversity in race of the authors I read was abysmal: 42 written by white people, eight written by Black people, and two written by Asian people. Last year I also red 42 by white authors, but only two black authors, so I suppose that is a bit of an improvement.

I did travel the world a bit this year, reading books by authors from 10 countries: Australia, Canada, Iceland, India, Ireland, Russia, Sweden, Trinidad and Tobago, the UK and the US, with the US leading the way at 18 books, followed by the UK with 16 and Iceland with seven. Last year I read authors from 13 countries, but my highest count then was 21 from the US, so this year seems a bit better distributed.

I read 39 non-fiction books and 13 fiction books, seven of which were Icelandic mysteries. I divided books into 15 categories, with sociology and memoir tied for the most common at ten each. I managed to read three ‘travel’ books, which I think were all about various aspects of the the UK.

I only read one 2-star book this year, and was lucky enough to read 10 five-star books, with an average rating of 3.8. So many of these books were great, but I’d have to say that my favorites were:
Catch and Kill
Me and White Supremacy
Hood Feminism
The Guilty Feminist
Evicted

In terms of books that have stuck with me, I think that The Last, which I read before the pandemic and which is about an apocalyptic event that has stranded guests at a hotel, is right up there. If only I’d known what was in store in March when I finished it… The Guilty Feminist and Hood Feminism both had a huge impact on me, as did Me and White Supremacy.

As for the coming year, I have a lot of unread books on my shelves, so I’m going to dive into those, and then see where the year takes me.

Monday

21

December 2020

0

COMMENTS

Light on Yoga by B.K.S. Iyengar

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Four Stars

Best for:
Anyone interested in pursuing a serious yoga practice.

In a nutshell:
Iyengar provides a summary of the history of yoga, beyond what many folks consider when attending yoga classes or watching videos.

Worth quoting:
“The study of Yoga is not like work for a diploma or a university degree by someone desiring favourable results in a stipulated time.”

Why I chose it:
Part of my goal for 2021 is to live more of the life that I want, and building a consistent yoga practice is high on that list.

Review:
This is an interesting book. I’ve always known yoga is not just breathing and stretching, but based more in a broader way of living. As a white woman raised in the US, most of my exposure to yoga has been through Lululemon view. A way to stretch and build strength and relieve stress, without really looking at where yoga comes from. I’ve been in classes where there’s some lip service paid to it, but nothing more.

Obviously, one isn’t going to understand an entire cultural concept like yoga from reading one book. But this is a good starting place. It discusses the connection between what is going on with the body and what is going on in the mind. I’ll need to read it over a few times to understand it better, but again, a good place to start.

After the introduction, Iyengar offers instructions and photos of over 200 poses, which are quite easy to follow. He then has put together three ‘courses,’ spreading across 300 weeks (yes, you read that right). Today I started with course one, which lasts about 32 weeks. It’s been seven or eight years since I regularly practiced yoga, and I can feel it, but I can also see how this is going to work, and I’m excited about it.

Videos are definitely an easy way to start learning yoga, and I don’t think a book can fully replace that for more visual learners, but I do think this book is a great place to start.

Keep it / Pass to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Keep it

Friday

18

December 2020

0

COMMENTS

Survival of the Thickest by Michelle Buteau

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Three Stars

Best for:
Big fans of Michelle Buteau

In a nutshell:
Author and Comedian Michelle Buteau provides a look into her life, sharing both the highs and the lows. CN for miscarriage.

Worth quoting:
N/A (Audio book)

Why I chose it:
I very much enjoyed Buteau in Always Be My Maybe. I’ve recently watched her Netflix special, which also got me chuckling.

Review:
I’m struggling a bit with this review. There are parts of this book that I really loved. She tells a great story, she’s relatable even though she and I don’t have loads in common, and she’s open and honest. There are parts of this book that had me laughing a lot, and parts where I teared up. There are the expected stories about life as a stand-up comedian, and the unexpected honesty about working in a newsroom in NYC on 9/11, and her experiences with miscarriages and surrogacy.

I think my rating is based more on the delivery of the audiobook. It was a bit jarring. I’m used to her style of stand-up and speaking, but there was an unevenness to it all that felt like perhaps she hadn’t read her words out loud before recording. I don’t know. I think for once, I’d say I bet the paper version of the book is better.

On the positive end, the book is filled with a lot of motivating words that don’t feel forced. There’s an almost infectious confidence that comes from Buteau, which I appreciated.

Keep it / Pass to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Donate it.

Monday

14

December 2020

0

COMMENTS

Below Stairs by Margaret Powell

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Three Stars

Best for:
Those interested in learning about different lives

In a nutshell:
Author Margaret Powell shares stories from her life working as a Kitchen Maid in England.

Worth quoting:
“I couldn’t help thinking of my poor father and mother at home. All they had was toast. And all this food going up to them, who never worked. I just couldn’t help thinking of the unfairness of life.”

Why I chose it:
I picked this up at a charity book sale at work just before lock down, then rescued it from my desk in September. It just looked interesting.

Review:
I was looking to learn something about a life that was different from mine, and boy did I find it here. The author starts out sharing what she and her siblings did for fun, but soon switches over to her work life. And it wasn’t just soon in the sense of the book, it was soon in the sense of her life. At 13 she earned a small scholarship and wanted to work to be a teacher, but that would have meant her parents would have had to continue paying for her schooling until she was 18, and that just wasn’t an option. So instead she went to work as a domestic worker in a house at the age of 13.

THIRTEEN. Ack. That’s so young. She lived in the home where she worked with the other domestic workers, so she was not only working but living on her own at an age when I was still in middle school. And she was working HARD. She’d get 4-10pm off one weeknight and one weekend evening each week. Not even a full day off. She’d be up at 5:30 to do tasks, and not be done until 8 or 9 at night. And she was doing hard labour – lots of cleaning and polishing and washing, and this was the 1920s, so she was doing this without the vast majority of conveniences we use when doing similar work.

In addition to the hard work, what she shared about the relationship between the staff and the families in the home was not unbelievable, but was so just … gross. Only one of the many families she worked for seemed to really treat the staff well. One yelled at her for handing the lady of the house something directly, with her hand, as opposed to using a tray to do it. As though the family member couldn’t bear to touch someone so low. I’d love to think times have changed, but considering how poorly people treat people who work in the service industry, I don’t think it’s that different. The location of the disdain has changed, but not the feelings of superiority.

Keep it / Pass to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Donate it.

Sunday

13

December 2020

0

COMMENTS

Goodbye 2020 Hello 2021 by Selina Barker and Vicki Pavitt

Written by , Posted in Reviews

4 Stars

Best for:
Anyone looking for a little focus going into 2021, but who wants to avoid the pitfalls of setting New Year’s Resolutions.

In a nutshell:
Coaches Barker and Pavitt of Project Love have put together questions to explore to look at how the past years has gone and what you’d like to have in the coming year.

Worth quoting:
Never choose a focus for your year because you think you should or because you think it sounds good.

Why I chose it:
It was part of a book subscription box, though if I’d seen it in a book shop (remember those? Ugh, I miss browsing) I’d probably have picked it up.

Review:
I enjoyed this one a lot. I’ve had some book/journal hybrids before, and sometimes struggled with the questions. But the way this one is laid out made it easy to reflect on 2020 (mostly but not a total dumpster fire) before then moving on to look forward. It asks the reader to think about the things that we are grateful for, the things that have made us happy, the things that are important to us. It then asks the reader to think a bit about what they hope for five years from now. That can be a challenge and I think isn’t always effective, but I found it helpful.

Then, the reader is asked to think about 2021 and to set a focus for it. Instead of listing five or 10 resolutions, the reader is to think about an overall focus, and live intentionally within that focus. Basically, one is looking to make a year something. It can be something one wants more of in their life, or an intention, or a big change, or maybe something else. From there, the reader is asked to explore things that one could do to make the year fit that focus. Then, as an added bit, we are asked to pick three things we can do in the first quarter of the year that we will commit to doing by the end of March. The book includes check-ins and space to do that with each quarter of the year, so the reader can re-focus on what they want their year to be.

For me, I’ve decided 2021 will be my year of authenticity. Not in a jackass ‘take me or leave me’ sort of way, but more about doing things perhaps I’ve shied away from because of how others might think of me, or pursuing the interests I have and speaking up more on the values I hold. One of my first actions is to try to build an authentic yoga practice, one that is culturally appreciative, not appropriative; another is doing something to support the social justice issues that matter to me every single day.

2020 was rough. 2021 isn’t going to be much different, at least at the start. But there’s some hope to be had, and I’m taking what I’ve learned this year into 2021.

Keep it / Pass to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Keep it

Sunday

6

December 2020

0

COMMENTS

We Won’t Be Traveling for Christmas This Year

Written by , Posted in Adventures, Random

Fake Tree in the Family Room

This year we obviously won’t be traveling for Christmas. So I thought I’d spend some time thinking about the Christmases I’ve had, hoping that next year we’ll be able to celebrate the way we hoped to this year.

First off – I don’t identify as Christian. My dad is Catholic (not been to a mass not associated with a wedding or funeral that I know of since I was born), and my mom was raised in some version of Protestant. Growing up, we were what I’ve heard referred to as submariner Christians — only surfacing on Easter and Christmas. But even that stopped when my mother’s mom died. Other than a brief phase in high school where I actually got baptized and confirmed (don’t ask), I’ve not felt Christian. And at this point I don’t believe in any version of God, but I know that culturally, the Christmas holidays mean something to me. Not because of Jesus (though, if he existed as described, sounds like a pretty cool dude), but because of the fun times with family and friends.

I don’t think we ever traveled for Christmas. Until I was a teenager, that was reserved for Thanksgiving. We’d drive down to southern California and visit both sides of the family, having Thanksgiving dinner at my dad’s parents’ house. The Wednesday before we’d go to Disneyland, which was AMAZING.

But for Christmas the only family we’d see outside the immediate was my mother’s mom, and she went into a nursing home when I was six, so after that it was just the four of us, with partners added in later.

There are certain decorations that evoke the holidays for me.

  • This green ceramic Christmas tree that my mom puts Hershey kisses or peppermint patties in. One year our dog got into it while we were out. (She was fine)
  • This other green ceramic tree, with lights, that plugs into the wall. It was always in one of the bathrooms. Don’t know why.
  • My maternal grandmother’s fabric advent calendar, with elves and Santa and other associated plastic bits, that stuck on with Velcro. Santa’s sleigh was always the 24th, with Santa on the 25th.
  • These four separate ceramic angels, that when put together, spell NOEL. These go in the china cabinet, and must be reorganized regularly to spell LEON or LONE.

The tree has lots of different ornaments, some special (ones my sister and I made), some just pretty. The star my sister crafted in Mrs. Allio’s third grade class is always on top.

We have stockings my maternal grandmother made (or bought? Unclear). Had them our whole lives, and even now they still get hung, and there are still treats in there from Santa. Santa (my mom), no joke, would individually wrap in tissue paper every item in the stockings, which included things like travel toothbrushes and candy canes, but also as we got older, postage stamps and lottery tickets. In later years my sister and I have done stockings for my parents as well, usually with movie tickets and candy inside. Those get opened on Christmas morning, before breakfast.

Food. Oh, the food. It’s not a huge non-stop feast, but there are some things. Like fudge. Delicious chocolate fudge that I make every year, no matter what. Even in London, where finding marshmallow fluff has been a challenge at times. My mother makes tons of it, and gives it away to neighbors, the letter carrier, anyone really. It’s legit the best fudge I’ve ever tasted.

Then the sugar cookies. We think it’s a recipe from an early-edition Joy of Cooking. It’s so good – it’s the almond extract. But the cookies are made fairly early on, in shapes like bells, stars, candy canes. And then they are iced. Yellow icing is lemon, green icing is peppermint, and red and blue icings are almond. That’s just the rules. My sister, mother and I would sit around icing them, while my dad watched basketball. I make them now, and end up freezing a bunch because they are SO GOOD frozen. They’re a pain to make but I love them.

Peppermint stick ice cream. The Baskin Robbins version is the best. I think some shops carry it year round now, but the arrival of it to the local shop at the Clocktower (why yes, I did grow up in a suburb out of a Hallmark film, why do you ask?) signaled the start of Christmas to me.

Christmas morning was eggs, potatoes, fruit, and cinnamon rolls. The Pillsbury kind, nothing made from scratch, because the Pillsbury ones are frankly the best.

Sometime in the week before Christmas, we go look at the lights. Often we’ll eat Mexican food first at a local restaurant I like. That’s probably not the best idea when the following activity is sitting in a car with the windows up for an hour or so, but we manage. We play Dean Martin and Nat King Cole Christmas songs and drive around. Some neighborhoods are absurdly decked out, and a lot of people put in the effort.

Christmas eve, one gift. When we were little, it was usually the gift from one of our Aunts and Uncles. In later years, we’ve switched to just giving books, which is really fun, as we are all voracious readers.

When I was 29, I spent Christmas away, because I’d come back to London for graduation. I hung out with a friend in the Lake District. Neither of us are British, and so didn’t realize that everything is actually closed on Christmas. Not most things, EVERYTHING. After that, Austin and I spent one Christmas up in Seattle together. Once we moved overseas, we figured we’d alternate US and UK. So in 2018, we rented a house in Scotland for a week. The owners decorated it for Christmas, we went on walks by the sea every day, and read lots of books. Magical. Last year we had tickets to go back to the US, but our visa situation meant that we couldn’t travel, so this year we were going to make up for it. Except once again, we’ll be in London.

I’ve made a gingerbread house this year, and hung some decorations. We have a tiny tree my niece has named Nigel and my friend has rightfully mocked for being more of a Christmas shrub. Austin and I both have two weeks off. But it’s a pandemic. My parents will be with each other, and we’ll do a Skype or Zoom call and play cards and hang out remotely, but it sucks.

So I think of the memories, and think about how hopefully we’ll get to do them again next year.

Saturday

5

December 2020

0

COMMENTS

The Guilty Feminist by Deborah Frances-White

Written by , Posted in Feminism, Reviews

Five Stars

Best for:
Everyone, but especially feminists.

In a nutshell:
Comedian Deborah Frances-White, who hosts The Guilty Feminist podcast, brings together previous writing, interviews, and new observations on feminism and the search for equality.

Worth quoting:
I got the audio book, but I still took this one down in the notes app on my phone:

“When people get angry about gender quotas setting a target for 30% women on boards or one woman on a panel show of five to seven men, we need to remind them that positive discrimination was alive and well and 100% in men’s favor for thousands of years.”

Why I chose it:
I’d not heard of the podcast until a colleague mentioned it to me last year. Then the book popped up as a suggestion so I bought it.

Review:
Ah, I loved this book. I even went and downloaded all 200+ of the back catalog of the podcast to listen to in the future. I also plan to buy the paper copy and read and review it next year, as I think there’s a lot that deserves a more closer reading.

This is a fun book, but it’s not a light book, if that makes sense. Frances-White delves into serious topics, and is open about areas she (as white, cis, middle-class woman) is not nearly as well-versed in as others who experience multiple areas of oppression. Each chapter involves an interview with someone who can provide some insight that Frances-White cannot, such as Hannah Gadsby discussing her experience with Nanette, or Leyla Hussein discussing her campaign against FGM.

Frances-White talks about ways to build confidence, using some pretty bang-on examples about why it isn’t just about standing in a power pose (though she doesn’t knock the power pose as a concept). She looks at the history of discrimination, and discussed the intersections that mean a white woman like myself doesn’t experience sexism in the way a disabled woman of color does. She also spends time on discrimination and access issues for disabled women, which I haven’t seen covered as much in other feminist books that aren’t specifically about that concern.

I found the book inspiring, both as a way to speak up more for myself but even more about how to be supportive of other fights. I didn’t agree with EVERYTHING Frances-White had to say (I think she’s probably … nicer than I am), but I found it all interesting.

I also thoroughly enjoyed the I’m a feminist but … statements that she and those she interviewed shared. For those not familiar, it’s a common aspect of the podcast. I’m a feminist but … followed by something that one would traditionally mock or shun or consider too shallow to be reconciled with being a feminist. I love it. We’re all complex. One can do a sit-in for a ban on evictions and also really enjoy wearing high heels. It’s not an either or. Every choice is NOT a feminist one just because a woman made it, but similarly, people are allowed to be complex and have different interests and ways of recharging.

Keep it / Pass to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Keep it