ASK Musings

No matter where you go, there you are.

Monthly Archive: October 2021

Sunday

31

October 2021

0

COMMENTS

What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Five Stars

Best for:
Everyone, but especially straight-sized individuals, and people who still hold onto ideas about weight as a proxy for health.

In a nutshell:
CN: Diets and all things weight related.

Author Gordon, who describes herself as very fat, explores all the ways in which society fails fat people, offering suggestions for body justice.

Worth quoting:
So much, but I’ll try to limit it…

“Despite a mountain of evidence linking physical and mental health to social discrimination, the conversation about fat and health stubbornly refuses to acknowledge the possible influence of stigma in determining fat people’s health.”

“What we have long considered the health conditions associated with being fat in actuality may be the effects of long-term dieting, which very fat people are pressured heavily to do.”

“We deserve a paradigm of personhood that does not make size or health a prerequisite for dignity and respect.”

“Anti-fatness isn’t about saving fat people, expressing concern for our health, or even about hurting us. Hurting us is a byproduct of reinforcing the egos of the privileged thin.”

“Like men hearing about the pervasiveness of catcalling for the first time, thin people cannot quite reconcile the differences in our daily lives.”

“The marginalization and public abuse of very fat people is so commonplace that it has become accepted, but that doesn’t make it acceptable.”

Why I chose it:
I started listening to the “Maintenance Phase” podcast, which explores all the bullshit within the Wellness and Diet industries, and is hosted by Gordon and a writer from Huff Post. I listened to a year and a half of back episodes in about a week, and when I got to the one about her book, I immediately ordered it.

Review:
I am not fat. I mean, according to the BMI (which, as Gordon clearly lays out in her book, is utter bullshit) I am a bit ‘overweight,’ but even at my heaviest I have always been able to shop in pretty much any store and know that something will fit me (except trousers, but that’s about my height). But I’ve dieted, and still find my mood impacted by the number I see on the scale.

More importantly than this, I’ve been raised in a society that seems to think that fat people don’t deserve kind or even humane treatment. A world where Courtney Cox dons a fat suit for laughs on the most popular TV show at the time. A world where the words ‘obesity epidemic’ are shared everywhere as fact without really anything to back up the reality that, even if there is an increase in obesity, there’s literally no proven way for the vast majority of people to lose weight and keep it off. A world where everyone – thin, fat, in-between – is encouraged to judge fat people and keep them ashamed and embarrassed.

Author Gordon explores all of this and much more in her book. She is what she describes as ‘very fat’, and she has experienced a life of doctors, friends, and strangers making all sorts of assumptions about her, and judgments about her life and frankly about her worth. In the book she shares her own experiences, but this isn’t a memoir. It’s a well-researched, evidence-based look at many of the different ways fat people experience discrimination at the hands of thin people, corporations, the diet industry, and society as a whole.

One area she focuses on, which I found enlightening, was the way the body positivity movement — along with other similar areas — treat the concerns fat people raise as ‘insecurities.’ ‘You just need to feel better in your skin!’ But that ignores the reality that fat people can feel as fine as they like in their skin, but that doesn’t mean a lot if they can’t buy clothes in person, or sit comfortably in a restaurant, or receive quality health care that doesn’t assumer every ailment from an ear infection to a broken bone is caused by weight.

This quote: “We deserve a paradigm of personhood that does not make size or health a prerequisite for dignity and respect,” has stuck with me. There is so much that society has decided we need to do before we are granted respect. People are MAYBE allowed to be fat, but they have to be healthy, or actively trying to become healthy. When in reality, none of that matters. People should be treated with humanity even if their BMI doesn’t fit between 18 and 25.

Recommend to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Recommend to all the people

Saturday

30

October 2021

0

COMMENTS

My Mouth Hates Me

Written by , Posted in Random

The Novocaine was wearing off, but I still had one last tooth to be removed. I was six or seven years old, sitting in my dentist’s office, getting five teeth pulled so I could then get the braces I would need. It was early, yes, but my adult teeth were mostly coming in quickly. And while I would have braces for the entirety of elementary school, the hope is they would be removed before the dreaded awkwardness of junior high.

(And they were! But sadly, the haircut I chose in 6th grade wiped out any possible gains on that front.)

My mother would later tell me that she could hear me whimpering as that last tooth was pulled. It turns out that dentist was pretty bad, but I did eventually get the braces from an orthodontist. They were indeed removed in 5th grade. And my smile, from a cosmetic stance, is pretty great.

But structurally? My mouth is a mess.

* * *

I have bad teeth. Nearly every dentist has said it’s likely genetics — one even put me on prescription toothpaste for awhile, attempting to fix the acidity in my saliva. One dentist was definitely sure it’s all my fault, as I like sweets. And it’s true – anyone who knows me knows that I love candy and baked goods. But as a kid, it’s not like I drank soda anytime other than vacations. I had candy at the movies and on Halloween (though as a young child, my options were limited to things that weren’t likely to fuck up my braces), and ice cream for desserts. But I also brushed my teeth regularly, and ate lots of healthy foods. I’m not entirely sure if I had a lot of cavities as a teen – I don’t think I did.

But as an adult, my mouth is a nightmare. I’m typing this while taking a mixture of ibuprofen and the UK equivalent of Tylenol with codeine (okay’d by the dentist). Last night I got into an emergency appointment but the x-ray didn’t show an infection, so I cried in the chair because that meant there wasn’t the quick fix that antibiotics could provide. And my regular dentist couldn’t see me for nearly two weeks. The thought of the pain continuing (or worsening) for 13 days was a little too much in that moment.

bbc crying GIF

I’ve had dental insurance most of my adult life (though not now, in the UK – we’ll get to that in a moment). My molars seem to rotate through a standard series of events. I go in for a check-up (usually not in any pain). I’ve gone every six months for my entire life, which I know is an absurd privilege. I get the cleaning, and then the dentist takes some x-rays and looks in my mouth. Some dentists have been a bit overzealous, filling cavities that probably didn’t need any work. Those fillings inevitably fail, so I need a new, deeper filling. Which fails a few years later. So I need a crown. Then something either gets up under the crown, or the tooth just gives up, and so a root canal follows.

My first root canal was when I was about 24 or 25, living in NYC, with pretty decent dental insurance. I was TERRIFIED, because everything I’d heard until then suggested a root canal was horribly painful. But it really wasn’t bad (and these days its even better). They put a crown on, and I went on my way. The next time I needed one, I was living in London, no dental insurance, but access to an NHS dentist as a student. I don’t recall his name, but he did a great job.

I can’t recall needed a root canal while living in Seattle. I’d have some pain and need fillings updated to crowns, but no root canals. It was frustrating, painful, and disheartening. I floss literally every single day (no joke). I use the toothpaste they suggest. I brush morning and night. I do drink sparkling water, and I like citrus foods. But I’m not going to sleep with a grapefruit between my teeth, and I’m not having a coke with lunch every day.

Since returning to the UK, I’ve needed three more root canals. One they caught before the infection appeared, so it was more luck than anything (I was in pain, but it was manageable). The second is how I found my current dentist. I was scheduled, but not for a few days, and the pain was brutal. I called anyone who would answer on a Saturday morning, went in, they saw the infection, gave me antibiotics, and I was fine within a day, then got the treatment. That was just a week or two before lock down started in March 2020..

Phew GIFs | Tenor

The last one was earlier this year. It didn’t start with serious pain, just an ache and the recognition that my crown was failing. The plan was to replace the crown and move on, but once he got in there, it was clear I needed a root canal. Four appointments – and about £1100 later – it was all sorted.

I estimate since moving here we’ve spent about £4000 on my teeth. Each experience has been just fine, as the technology is great, and it’s really not any worse than getting a filling. I get numb, they do loud things, my jaw is sore for a few hours, and then I move on. If I didn’t have the funds for private, I would get treatment on the NHS, for reduced cost, though likely with a longer wait.

This time is frustrating. My mouth started aching a week ago. It wasn’t bad, then it was a little worse. But Advil taken a couple of times a day sorted it out. I emailed for a dental appointment, and was given one about three weeks out. No problem. But by the next morning, it was worse, and getting harder to ignore, so they got me the emergency appointment I had on Friday. The night before, it took me three hours to fall asleep because the pain medication wasn’t working anymore. I got about five hours of sleep. It sucked.

But I was so excited because I’d been down this road before – I’d had five root canals! I knew the signs, I knew the pain, and I knew the steps that followed: antibiotics to handle the infection, then treatment a few days later. Pain gone, life moves on. But this time, no infection was to be found. So there was no promise of relief. Just some more pain medication, and the hope that they can move up my appointment that is now still almost two weeks away.

* * *

When I was still working in Seattle, my colleague Dave helped bring an amazing mobile medical clinic to one of the local arenas. Over four days, physicians, dentists, and eye doctors would treat hundreds of patients for free. People would drive from all over, sleeping in the parking lot, getting in line to get a number in the hopes they would be seen. I volunteered a couple of times, and was once assigned to be a floater in the dental area, helping keep people in order and getting them seen as quickly as possible. Nearly everyone wanted to see a dentist. They had dozens and dozens of treatment chairs set up for people after their initial exam. People got x-rays, got teeth pulled, got flippers.

Dental pain is brutal – you can’t massage it like a muscle strain, or put much of a good topical treatment on (clove oil sort of works, but it’s pretty meh). One needs one’s mouth to do all sorts of things, like talk, or eat, or drink, so it’s very hard to just push through or put aside the pain. And it gets worse at the worst time – when one is trying to sleep.

I cannot imagine not getting relief from this pain because one doesn’t have access to or cannot afford a dentist. I don’t know how people can function. My family has a weirdly high pain tolerance, but dental pain is on a totally different level. It’s exhausting. And it’s horrible to think of all the people just trying to deal with it without any relief on the horizon, either because they can’t afford it, or because there aren’t any dentists available taking on patients without insurance (or, in the UK, ones on the NHS).

* * *

For now, the current pain medications are mostly working. I’m hoping I’ll get an appointment sooner so they can sort out what’s going on in my mouth. And once they do, it’ll be fine for awhile. But sometime – maybe in a year, maybe two – it’ll happen again. And again. Until I run out of molars.

It sucks.

Enjoy your Halloween candy.

youll be a dentist gifs, little shop of horrors gifs, steve martin gifs, orin scrivello gifs

 

Saturday

23

October 2021

0

COMMENTS

Around the World in 80 Trains by Monisha Rajesh

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Four Stars

Best for:
Anyone who loves to travel, who loves trains, or who is interested in different perspectives on travel.

In a nutshell:
Author Rajesh and her fiance Jem take off on a 7 month trek across Europe, North America, and Asia.

Worth quoting:
“On my travels, it had become apparent that development and modernity posed a direct threat to the enjoyment of many travellers, disgruntled that the world should adapt and progress at the expense of their own pursuit of the exotic…Granted, most of us don’t travel 5,000 miles for Starbucks and KFC, but it was abhorrent to some that Chinese people might like the odd Frappuccino and some hot wings.”

“One of the greatest mistakes a traveller can make, is to believe a journey can be controlled.”

Why I chose it:
While on holiday I spotted this and it looked interesting, especially as we have mostly traveled by train lately as we’ve kept our exploration to within the UK during this part of the pandemic.

Review:
What a delightful book, and one that is a great reminder why I love to wander bookstores without a specific book in mind. I’d not heard of Rajesh before (she has a previous book – about her train travel in India), and am not sure I would have come across this book any other way, but I’m so glad I did.

Rajesh decides to take seven months and travel on 80 trains across Europe, Asia, and North America, visiting multiple countries and cities, spending countless hours on packed and empty overnight trains, and getting to know — as much as one can in a few hours — some of the different cultures she encounters. The book starts out with time spent in Europe on a EuRail pass, but most of the interesting travelling happens after they leave and move on to Russia, taking the Trans-Mongolia railway. From there they visit so many places that I didn’t even know one could go, including North Korea and Tibet. And in places like that, the focus is definitely on the cities they visit, but much of the book is focused on their time and experiences on the trains.

I also appreciate how Rajesh explores her own experiences of travel as a woman of color, as well as her observations of other travellers and tourists. I include that quote above because I thought her perspective on ‘modernization’ was interesting – this idea that people from other parts of the world want to see some version of the exotic that must fit into their preconceived notions, and are disappointed when that doesn’t come to fruition. I also loved that she didn’t talk about her visits to places where people likely lead more challenging lives than she from the perspective of making her appreciate what she has. It’s about her but not about her – she’s observing and learning, not using others on a sort of Eat Pray Love Pilgrimage.

I’ve taken a few trains for travel purposes, including within the UK, but one of my fondest memories was the overnight train from Paris to Munich that my now-husband and I took in the first year of our relationship. It was such a fun and weird adventure, and one that I’d love to replicate. I love the idea of combining transit and hotel into one to allow one to see more on their limited time off. Also, as someone who does love to travel but also cares about the environment, train travel is generally a better option than flights. I don’t think I’d want to take seven months and retrace Rajesh’s journey, but I think parts of it could be really interesting.

Recommend to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Recommend to a Friend

Friday

22

October 2021

0

COMMENTS

Apples Never Fall by Liane Moriarty

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Four Stars

Best for:
Fans of the genre.

In a nutshell:
Joy and Stan have four children, and have recently retired from running a tennis school. All of them have played tennis competitively, though none still play professionally as adults. Last year, a stranger appeared at their door, and Joy and Stan took her in. Six months later, the stranger has been gone for a bit, and Joy has gone missing.

Worth quoting:
“It happened all the time. Talented kids turned into ordinary adults.”

“The added weight of their hopes for her success was too much for her to bear.”

Why I chose it:
Wandered into the bookshop I used to visit weekly when I was working in the office and saw this was out. I usually wait for the paperback version but I needed something for the train ride I was about to take.

Review:
Moriarty has a formula: a thing has happened. We jump forward and back, slowly joining the time lines, hearing different perspectives from different characters. There is probably a twist, usually a couple, definitely a red herring or two.

This time, it worked for me.

There’s the obvious main plot, of the missing mother. Did dad kill her? Did she leave him? Did something else happen entirely? And what is the deal with the young woman they took in a few months back?

But there are also interesting character developments here, possibly more than I recall from her previous works. The children are all not just described by themselves in their own chapters, but we see how their parents and their siblings see them. The idea that parents think they still know their adult children better than the children know themselves, because they are their parents, is interesting, especially when they are so very wrong. And the dynamics between the children are fascinating as well.

I was basically sucked in from the start, and while I don’t see this one being turned into a limited series like a couple of her other books, I definitely enjoyed it.

Recommend to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Donate it.

Sunday

10

October 2021

0

COMMENTS

The Audacity by TV’s Katherine Ryan

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Best for:
Fans of humorous but also heartfelt memoirs.

In a nutshell:
TV’s Katherine Ryan shares her story, from growing up in Sarnia, Canada, to making her way in the comedy world, to the different ways she has built her family.

Worth quoting:
N/A (Audio book)

Why I chose it:
As a middle-aged white woman living in the UK, I think I’m legally required to at least watch one of her comedy specials. But I have enjoyed both of the ones on Netflix, and enjoyed her show The Duchess, so figured I’d enjoy her autobiography. I was right!

Review:
I cannot entirely relate to TV’s Katherine Ryan. She’s only three years younger than me, and we are both white women from North America who moved to the UK, but that’s where the similarities end. She has a level of unbotheredness that I can only aspire to, and it only works because she also is an empathetic and caring person. It’s very easy to not give a shit about what other people think of one when one also doesn’t give a shit about others; it’s much more challenging to figure out how to walk that line between not wanting to cause harm to others while not changing one’s life to constantly seek the acceptance of others. Ryan seems to have mostly struck that balance.

But I do appreciate her levels of sarcasm, as well as her attempt to find some more layered and interesting takes on popular culture. She doesn’t just go for low-hanging fruit; she brings something more to her discussions. And that shows in how she tells stories about her life, including things like her time working at Hooters, and her various relationships that have not always been the healthiest. She manages to dive deeply into her feelings and motivations, sharing her vulnerability. But she also is a famous celebrity, so her experience of the world is going to be a little different.

I don’t agree with Ryan on everything. Her chapter on cancel culture (because of course – I think every celebrity is required to address that in any book or article written in the coming years) seems almost naive. She has empathy for the people who misstep or straight up act harmful, but seems to overlook the need for empathy for the people who are harmed by those missteps and errors. She strikes me as someone who thinks intention is, if not all that matter, but what matters the most, and that impact isn’t nearly as important. I simply disagree. I also think she is missing some nuance around ‘cancel culture.’ I do think there is a difference between someone who tweeted something at 21 who is now 31 and has shown actual, tangible growth since then, and someone like JK Rowling, who continues to double down, is actively harming the trans community, and shows no interest in learning or growing. Whereas I don’t think Ryan really sees any difference, because Rowling could always eventually grow. I mean, I guess? But all signs point to ‘no’ at the moment.

If you are going to get this, I do recommend the audio version. It’s read by Ryan, but include a bonus chapter (30 minutes!) of her mother! It’s fascinating to hear her mother’s perspective on the same stories we’ve just heard Ryan tell. Honestly, I’d love to see more of that in places where the writers have good relationships with their parents – we all know we experience the world differently based on perspective, and I think it’d be so interesting to hear a parent or sibling’s take on things.

Recommend to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Recommend to a friend

Saturday

9

October 2021

0

COMMENTS

The Silent Wife by A.S.A. Harrison

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Three Stars

Best for:
Fans of mysteries told from a couple of different perspectives.

In a nutshell:
Jodi and Todd have been together for 20 years, though they aren’t married. Todd regularly cheats on Jodi. Todd has gotten his latest paramour, Natalie, pregnant. Natalie is the daughter of one of Todd’s childhood friends, Dean. Events transpire.

Worth quoting:
Really anything Todd from Todd’s perspective was so representative of how I imagine oblivious vaguely misogynistic men think. I could quote him endlessly here, always followed with a giant eye roll.

Why I chose it:
It’d been sitting on my shelf for a couple of years and thought I’d finally read it.

Review:
Ah, this book has one of my favorite storytelling devices: alternating perspectives. Every chapter is from either Jodi or Todd’s voice. They never talk about the same events, so it’s not like we get Saturday night’s perspective from Jodi, followed by Todd’s take on Saturday night. Instead, they alternate each chapter, building on the time line.

Todd is a builder / property investor. Jodi is a psychologist. She never wanted to get married, so they didn’t. They also don’t have children. Then one day Todd is told by his lover Natalie (who is a good 20 years younger than him) that she is pregnant, and she expects that he’ll be leaving his wife and marrying her. And he just sort of … does. Without ever directly telling Jodi. She hears it from Dean, Natalie’s dad. And him leaving her, when they aren’t married, leaves her in a bit of a pickle, financially speaking.

Neither Todd nor Jodi are particularly sympathetic. I kept wanting to throttle them, telling them to use their words, act like grown-ups. Not be assholes. Todd is the primary jerk, but Jodi definitely doesn’t do herself any favors.

I can’t share more without giving away way too much of the plot. But I do think it’s worth a read, especially if picked up at your library.

(There was a sort of shoehorned in story line about possible child abuse that I just didn’t think really fit; otherwise this would have been a four-star book for me.)

Recommend to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Donate it

Tuesday

5

October 2021

0

COMMENTS

You Got Anything Stronger? by Gabrielle Union

Written by , Posted in Reviews

4 Stars

Best for:
Anyone who appreciates and is interested in very personal memoirs.

In a nutshell:
In her second collection of autobiographical essay, Union shares her struggles with fertility and more personal life experiences.

Worth quoting:
I listened to the audio book so didn’t jot down notes, but I did laugh out loud when she referred to the crackling of joints as she ages as “old age farts.”

Why I chose it:
I enjoyed her first book. (https://cannonballread.com/2017/11/great-storytelling/)

Review:
Content warning for pretty much all the things: infertility, sexual assault, racism, misogyny.

The book starts off with an intense chapter where Union discusses her miscarriages and struggles with infertility. While some chapters are lighter, most are fairly intense, and all are extremely well-written. One lighter chapter – her experience auditioning for the Matrix sequels – involved the kind of ‘oh shit’ moment that had me cackling out loud. I love that she felt comfortable enough with readers to share what was an embarrassing moment with the world.

One chapter that has received a lot of attention is the experience she and some colleague has in Dubrovnik, where they stopped into a bar that turned out to essentially be a neo-nazi enclave. The story is harrowing. The mayor of Dubrovnik has put out a statement sort of apologizing, but essentially gaslighting her and suggesting that it didn’t really happen the way she said (I’m not linking it here, but you can look it up). Even when sharing her experiences with racism, a white man basically says ‘no, that couldn’t have happened, not really.’

I chose the audio book for this, read by Union, and would recommend it for others.

Recommend to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Recommend to a Friend

Sunday

3

October 2021

0

COMMENTS

Lonely Planet Pocket Glasgow

Written by , Posted in Uncategorized

Four Stars

Best for:
Those traveling who like to see a bit more detail in the top sights and other features of a travel guide.

In a nutshell:
Each neighborhood overview includes a walking tour, a map with sights, and detailed information on sight, eating, drinking, shopping, and entertainment.

Worth quoting:
N/A

Why I chose it:
I was looking for a larger guide for Glasgow, so I bought two, and this one ended up being better for what I’m looking for.

Review:
Glasgow was the first stop on my partner’s and my honeymoon nearly a decade ago. However, we each remember about three things about it, because we were EXHAUSTED. We took a red-eye from Seattle to Philadelphia, visited some friend there and took a couple hour nap, then another red-eye from Philadelphia to Glasgow. We then couldn’t get into our hotel until until 2, so we walked along the river to try to stay awake. Once we got into our hotel, we slept until dinner, got some food … somewhere… and then came back to sleep. The next day we rented a car and drove to the Isle of Skye. So that’s a long way of saying I’ve been to Glasgow, but I haven’t exactly been there. Hence the guidebooks.

This book is much more up my alley than the other one I could get. I love how it’s broken down not just into neighborhood (clearly marked in the first map in the guide), but has the different sights and recommendations delineated within each area. I also am excited to try out the different walking tours in each neighborhood – I appreciate doing an initial wander through a place before stopping at different sites. This one will definitely be going with me to Glasgow and be in my bag whenever we leave our room.

Recommend to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Keep for our trip and after.

Sunday

3

October 2021

0

COMMENTS

Insight Guides Glasgow Pocket Guide

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Two Stars

Best for:
People who like more narrative and fewer details in their guidebooks.

In a nutshell:
Broken down by neighborhood, this guide provides narratives but not loads of details on places to see.

Worth quoting:
N/A

Why I chose it:
We are traveling to Glasgow later this month and sadly I could find no full-size proper travel books on the city – only pocket guides.

Review:
This is the first of two pocket-sized guides of Glasgow I’ll be reviewing. I started with this one because until I read the second, I thought this one was fine, so I guess the big take-away for me is to get at least a couple of different guides when traveling so we can compare and take the best away from them.

Like most travel books, this one is broken down by area, but it doesn’t give a great sense of where things are in relation to the city center. It’s also a long narrative with some items bolded, which isn’t how I can best process and grasp information. I did circle and start different attractions, but mentally I’m just not entirely sure where they all are and how they relate to each other.

However, I will be keeping this book, as I’m sure there’s good information in here, including a fairly robust ‘travel tips’ section that will likely come in handy.

Recommend to a Friend / Donate it / Toss it:
Keep until our trip is over, then donate it.