ASK Musings

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Monthly Archive: July 2022

Saturday

30

July 2022

0

COMMENTS

This Book Will Make You Kinder by Henry James Garrett

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Five Stars

Best for:
All of humanity (but mostly the privileged folks).

In a nutshell:
Philosopher Garrett makes his case for the reasons we should be kind, and the ways people falter at it.

Worth quoting:
“The problem is not that oppressed people don’t empathize enough with their oppressors; the problem is that privileged folk don’t empathize enough with the oppressed.”

“Our beliefs about the inevitability of certain forms of suffering are intimately connected with our beliefs about what type of world is possible.”

“If you believe rules are the source of your duty to be kind and abstain from cruelty, you will be kind only to the extent that the rules demand.”

“Many people, for instance, mistake those rules of property and ownership upon which our capitalist system is built for moral rules, and they limit their empathy for that reason.”

“Kindness isn’t a complicated matter; in the end it comes down to whether you choose to look or to look away.

Why I chose it:
It had cute illustrations – plus I love a good book on kindness because I know I am not as kind as I’d like to be.

Review:
I knew this was going to be a special book when I got to page 5 and found an illustration of two whales. One says ‘Mama, how do we know when we’ve crossed from one ocean to another?’ and the mama whale responds ‘We don’t. Borders are socially constructed and you should be wary of anyone who takes them too seriously.’ Such adorable and profound illustrations fill this clever take on philosophy, morality, and empathy. There are turtles, dogs, birds, butterflies and other creatures imparting simple but important words of wisdom.

Garrett is a philosopher, and though this book is easy to read, it definitely has some aspects that remind of philosophy books and papers I read at university. His project with the book is to answer two questions: why are we kind, and why aren’t we kinder. The answer to the first question, he argues, is because of empathy, and the answer to the second question, is because of mistakes we make that ‘switch that empathy off.’

Early on he argues that many disagreements on particulars happen because we haven’t agreed to the underlying parameters or basic premises of the issues. If we’re starting from vastly different places, it is not surprising that we’ll feel as though we are talking past one another.

At this point and at many times throughout the book, Garrett is clear that he is not arguing that everyone makes the same number and type of empathy-limiting mistakes – this quote from above is critical to keep in mind throughout: “The problem is not that oppressed people don’t empathize enough with their oppressors; the problem is that privileged folk don’t empathize enough with the oppressed.”

Once Garrett has made his first argument about empathy and kindness, he turns to what he considers ‘empathy limiting mistakes.’ These are reasons why people essentially aren’t kinder. But first, he spends an entire chapter talking about how these mistakes are not evenly distributed throughout society – those with more power are often choosing or allowing themselves to make these mistakes, which result in them retaining more power of the people who they are choosing not to empathize with.

The chapter on the types of mistakes is enlightening, and includes things like false beliefs; ignorance / lack of knowledge; failure of imagination; a limited conception of morality (e.g. just following the rules of a religion, but not allowing for the idea that things not covered by those rules might also be unkind).

Once he’s explored in detail and provided examples of how each of these mistakes leads to a lack of kindness, he spends a chapter on how to improve empathy. This includes things like listening, treating people as experts in themselves, listening to those who are multiply oppressed, avoid being defensive, and being present.

I loved this book. I loved the sincerity and honesty with which Garrett approaches this topic. I love that he points out that ‘it costs nothing to be kind’ is a pretty limited conception of kindness – if we’re doing it right, it may very well cost us a lot to be kind, and that’s okay. I keep thinking about this book and I’ll be thinking about it for awhile.

Recommend to a Friend / Keep / Donate it / Toss it:
Keep / Buy for everyone

Sunday

24

July 2022

0

COMMENTS

Can’t Even by Anne Helen Petersen

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Four Stars

Best for:
All of, us collectively, as a society, who are fed up with the expectations that we just work work work.

In a nutshell:
Author Petersen explores how the Millennial generation has been put into basically a really shit situation.

Worth quoting:
“This isn’t a personal problem. It’s a societal one — and it will not be cured by productivity apps, or a bullet journal, or face mask skin treatments, or overnight fucking oats.”

“Just because middle-class parents decided that a certain style of parenting is superior doesn’t mean it empirically is.”

“By cloaking the labor in the language of ‘passion,’ we’re prevented from thinking of what we do as what it is: a job, not the entirety of our lives.”

Why I chose it:
Although I’m a Xennial, I can definitely relate to the feeling of just being completely exhausted by the world and the expectations of all of us.

Review:
Author Peterson has written an interesting and important book, though in the end, I’m not sure it is telling us anything we don’t already know, at least those of us who are paying attention.
This book was written before the ‘Great Resignation’ became a thing, which makes it quite prescient.

She starts by looking at how we got here – essentially the values and pressures put on people by their parents. She’s not blaming the previous generation exactly, just discussing how their lives were different than the lives of their children. It reminds me of something I’ve read elsewhere – Boomers love to belittle Millennials for demanding ‘participation trophies,’ but the Boomers are the ones who taught them to expect those trophies – so why are the Millennials the ones being derided?

From there, the book focuses on what so many of us know – how for many of us, our lives have been a constant hustle. Get the best grades you can while also playing a sport, learning an instrument, and volunteering so you can go to a good university. Get the best grades there, along with perhaps some unpaid work experience (though only for those who can afford that), and then get a job. Which will pay you very little, and take up so much of your time that you have no time for living.

So yeah, folks are burnt out.

Peterson explores a variety of things that contribute to this: the digital age forcing work into every aspect of our lives; parenthood and how much energy that requires; unfair and unequal division of labor.

There’s so much in here and I think a lot of people would benefit from reading it. And while there are loads of reminders in there about the lives we all live individually, Peterson make a point to not offer specific solutions. There’s nothing here that a better time management method will fix – this is a problem with our society. Demanding people work eight or more hours a day, five days a week, commute 2 or 3 hours a day, raise children, with insufficient pay and very little support is a society that needs to be overturned at a systemic level.
We collectively need to take control back from the people who think its just fine for us all to work ourselves beyond exhaustion.

And until then, we definitely need to stop judging other people who might not go to university, or who might not parent the way we would, or who are living their lives in ways that we might not (but perhaps that we wish we could). The system is fucked up and people are doing their best to survive it.

Recommend to a Friend / Keep / Donate it / Toss it:
Keep & Recommend to a Friend

Saturday

23

July 2022

0

COMMENTS

Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies by Tara Schuster

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Three Stars

Best for:
Anyone looking for some ideas for how to take better care of themselves.

In a nutshell:
Writer Schuster had a bit of a rough childhood, and so has been essentially exploring how to parent herself, and grow into the person she wants to be.

Worth quoting:
‘Life is not always a list of problems to be solved; sometimes it’s actually made up of fun and ease and beauty and laughter.’

‘There is no special prize at the end of life for “the busiest.”’

Why I chose it:
Honestly? The cover’s pretty cool. Also I like a bit of a vulgar title.

Review:
This was a fun book to read. It felt a bit indulgent (to read, not to write), but also there is some pretty cool stuff in here. One of the pull quotes from a review calls it ‘Wild meets You Are a Badass’, and I kind of agree? I don’t know if there is anything groundbreaking or earth shattering in here, but honestly? Sometimes I do like to be reminded that when possible, life should be enjoyed.

Now, obviously, one could view that as a pretty superficial or possibly naive view of the world. What if you have a health issue? What if you have no money? What if you’re facing some really serious problems? Who has time to, essentially, buy the fucking lilies when you aren’t sure where your next meal is coming from?

But if you approach the book for what it is – namely, suggestions and tips that the author has tried that have helped her grow as a person, enjoying her life more, starting from a place of some level of privilege – then I think it’s pretty good. Suggestions related to friendships, to self-awareness, and to personal values are ones I’ve started to incorporate. Others, mostly about diet / exercise / drinking or about finding a partner, I skimmed over because those aren’t so relevant to me right now.

The author is a good writer – the book is conversational and at times a bit funny. For what it is, I think it’s a pretty good read.

Recommend to a Friend / Keep / Donate it / Toss it:
Recommend to a Friend

Wednesday

20

July 2022

0

COMMENTS

Fame-Ish: My Life At The Edge of Stardom by Mary Lynn Rajskub

Written by , Posted in Reviews

Two Stars

Best for:
Not people who like the author, as I think this might lead them to not…

In a nutshell:
Actor and comedian Rajskub shares stories of her life before and during her time as a fairly well-known actor.

Worth quoting:
N/A (Audio book)

Why I chose it:
Celebrity memoir read by the author. One of my favorite genres.

Review:
Do you ever read a book that you think you’ll enjoy and just … not connect with it at all? That was my experience with this book. I do wonder whether if I had read a paper version I might have enjoyed it, but something about the author’s reading of her own words made the stories mostly unpleasant. And I don’t mean that the stories were meant to be dark or hard and I just wasn’t getting it – I think the author read her essays in a tone that just sounds mean rather than honest, if that makes sense.

For example, the very last chapter of the book involves a story of a date she went on, that was yeah, not great, but she’s so deeply unkind to the person on the date in her retelling that I was kind of on the guy’s side. There’s an entitlement that, even if she has a point, she comes across in a really unflattering way. Like, to the point where I’d think this was a book written by someone who doesn’t really like Rajskub.

In another chapter she talks about a rough experience on an independent film set mid pandemic and again, it’s just like – yep, that all sounds kinda not great, but the way she tells the story, I just kind of thought ‘you don’t seem like a great person here either.’ With some authors, telling a story where they don’t come across great is a way to show some growth, a lesson they’ve learned. But here I don’t get the same type of self-awareness from the author.

It’s hard to write a review like this, because I’m essentially picking away at someone’s actual life, but I think I’m instead taking issue with the way the stories are being told. The date story, the film story, other stories I think could have been interesting and shown growth and an interesting personality from the author, but I don’t think that as a writer those skills are there yet.

Recommend to a Friend / Keep / Donate it / Toss it:
Donate it.