If you’re reading this, then our sweet cat Tigger has died. As I started to write this, he was still fighting for more time, eating dried chicken treats, drinking water, and seeking out laps and cuddles. But just two days later, he stopped eating and just laid curled up in his cat bed all day. We called the vet, and they confirmed that the kindest thing we could do was let him go.

We learned both our 14-year-old cats (Jameson and Tigger) had kidney disease in September, and we thought it would be controllable with some dietary changes. But while I was unexpectedly away due to a family emergency in the US, Austin noticed Tigger losing weight pretty quickly, and some other concerning issues. After a vet visit and blood draw, we learned that instead of months, we probably only had weeks with him. Austin dealt with all of this while I was thousands of miles and eight hours away, where he worried that I might not even make it back before we lost Tigger.

Thankfully, Tigger rallied a bit, giving us nearly two additional weeks. He’s not making a full recovery, and as I said, if you’re reading this, either we’ve made the decision to bring a vet to our home to help him pass, or he has taken it upon himself to move on unassisted. But he was taking his meds like a champ, and is still drinking water and using the litter box. A couple of night ago, he slept on my pillow for a bit, then camped out for the rest of the night squarely on my belly. It was heavenly. Every night he’s spent at least some time curled up beside me, and I’m so grateful for that.

And while right now I’m so so sad that my friend isn’t going to be with me anymore sometime soon, I also think about how wonderful it has been to have him in our lives for the last 14 years (our ‘gotcha’ day was 31 December 2011). He has always been food motivated – something he and I have in common – to the point where for the last decade or so we’ve had to spell the word treat if we ever use it, because any time it is said out loud, he and his brother come a-runnin’. And for many years at least once a week he was so excited to eat his morning dry food that about ten minutes later he’d revisit it all over our floor.

If we pet his belly or scratched him in the right place, we would say his foot had been activated – he’d grab his left back foot in his front paws and rub his face all over his foot. It was weird and super cute. His dental health was always a bit bad, to the point where he had to have three of four fangs removed, meaning he would occasionally get a lip caught on that remaining fang, looking a bit derpy. And he almost always had a blepp for us.

He did like to chase a laser light, but he excelled at cuddling. Always a bigger boy (which has helped him as of late when his appetite has dropped), he would pop himself on or between legs while we slept, leading to muscle soreness, cramping, and aches. But always worth it, because getting a snuggle or spoon from this chicken nugget has always been the best thing ever.

He enjoyed following his Austin around, taking special offense when Austin would close the door to the bathroom. Tigger would often stand outside, pawing at the door. If I were around, I’d try to distract him. And speaking of bathroom habits, this cat had a pathological need to not cover up the presents he left in the litter box. Precious little jerk.

At the moment, I’m already grieving the loss of my friend. I want to enjoy all the moments we have left, but I also find myself thinking about how someday soon he’s not going to be here anymore. And we can’t explain to him what’s happening, and we can’t explain it to his brother.

It just sucks.

He’s been a part of my life for nearly a third of it, and Austin and I have only spent 11 months together where we didn’t have these adorable, silly potatoes in our lives. We moved them from Seattle to the UK because they are our family, and where we go, they go.

But now Tigger is going somewhere we can’t follow, and that breaks my heart.

Thankfully, like any proper cat caretaker, I have taken literally thousands of pictures of him and his brother. So here are few of my favorites.