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Uncategorized Archive

Friday

8

November 2024

0

COMMENTS

Women Without Kids by Ruby Warrington

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2.5 Stars

Best for:
People who would rather work through issues using a book than in therapy?

In a nutshell:
Childfree author Warrington explores the different ways that not having children influences the lives women lead.

Worth quoting:
“Is the meaning of life really only to create more life?”

From responses to a survey the author conducted:
“I saw how broken my mother was, and I didn’t agree with her assertion that her personal sacrifice should be seen as a gift/blessing to me. That rationale didn’t make sense. I didn’t want that ‘gift.’ It creates an unwanted expectation that I should meet her needs. I would have preferred for her to find fulfillment through personal exploration and growth.”

Why I chose it:
I am childfree. I had a friend sort of wonder why I’d read this – what was hoping to learn – since I’m solidly childfree, and I don’t need external validation of that choice. But I realized its not so much what I’m hoping to learn, it’s about feeling seen and understood. Unfortunately this book didn’t really do that, but the author certainly tried.

Review:
Hmm. This book was a challenge to get through, though there are some parts I found interesting for sure. First, it starts strong with the title the author wanted to give it: Selfish Cunts. I mean, come on. That’s gold. In the first chapter, the author talks about how society in the US and UK is not at all pro family, but extremely pronatalist – folks want women to have a lot of kids, but don’t want to support them and their families in ensuring those kids are taken care of.

She then looks at what she calls the motherhood spectrum, running from Affirmative yes (definitely want kids) to Affirmative no (definitely does not want kids). I was an ‘I think I have to, right?’ yes in my college years, but by my mid 20s I was very much an Affirmative no, and as someone in her mid-40s, married to a man who definitely does not want kids, I remain so. I do not want and will not be having kids.

From there, the book sort of wanders into a few places that I wasn’t expecting, I think because the author tries to cover a lot of childfree ground. She (rightly) discusses across many chapters the lack of support for mothers and how fucking hard it is to be a parent. But for me, I didn’t choose a life without children due to the lack of support – I chose it because I have no desire to parent. If I knew I’d have free childcare, a huge village supporting me, involved grandparents, and loads of income to spend on the child’s growth, I still would not want children. It is the having of the children, and the raising of the children, that has never appealed to me, regardless of the support I might have. And while Warrington does (I think) mention this type of childfree person, and might even consider herself as such, the book isn’t really for folks like that.

The last quarter of the book I found especially challenging to read. There’s a chapter where she tries (unsuccessfully, I think) to discuss what parents might face when their child has significantly higher support needs as compared to most other children. It feels, despite the author’s efforts, a bit ableist. I know she tries hard to avoid that (even discussing ableism within the chapter), but I don’t think she succeeds there.

Then there’s the chapter that, despite the author specifically saying this isn’t what she means, feels like it is telling childfree people we have to be super productive and contribute significantly to the world in a unique way since we aren’t having kids. This bleeds into a chapter that is all about climate change, which, yes, needs to be discussed, but just felt out of place. And there’s a whole memoir-esque bit where she talks about coming to terms with her mother, which felt sort of like what people who have kids think about people who don’t – that our parents must be the reason. And for some people, that’s obviously the case! But this felt like it was universalizing a non-universal experience.

And finally, throughout multiple places across every chapter, the author throws in … I guess ‘reflection’ questions? They would often pop out of nowhere and take me right out of what I was reading. I appreciate the author trying to use this book to help women reflect, but the way it was done did not work for me at all.

What’s next for this book:
Probably recycle it as I wrote a lot in it and not interested in that making its way to the charity shops.

Monday

29

July 2024

0

COMMENTS

My Murder by Katie Williams

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Five Stars

Best for:
Those who enjoyed the less out-there episodes of Black Mirror; people who enjoyed the ‘Janets’ episode of The Good Place, or any discussion of what it means to be one’s self.

In a nutshell:
Lou was murdered by a serial killer. She is also alive, having been ‘brought back’ (cloned), with nearly all her memories restored. But something isn’t quite right …

Worth quoting:
“Everyone loves a dead woman as long as she’s the right kind of dead woman”

“We were hard on each other. We weren’t unkind, never unkind. We girls had been taught kindness from a young age; kindness had been stressed. But there was another lesson in that, one the adults hadn’t known they were teaching, how kindness could be expected of a girl, demanded of her really, and then levied against her. We girls didn’t talk about this, but we knew it was true — of course we knew it was true — and so we would dare each other to venture into the forbidden area past kindness, where, we hoped, toughness might exist.”

Why I chose it:
I was visiting the town I grew up in and went to a local independent bookstore. This was one of the staff recommendations.

Review:
Lou was killed by a serial killer when her newborn was just about six months old. She – along with the other four victims of the killer – were brought back by a special program that has learned how to bring people back from the dead via cloning and restoring all their memories save the few days prior to their deaths. This isn’t done for everyone, and it is controversial, but it is done in extraordinary circumstances.

Lou is struggling a bit. Her daughter Nova is not connecting with the ‘new’ Lou, and Lou was struggling before her murder, with some pretty serious post-partum depression. But now that she is returned, she is trying to make it work.

Part of this involves weekly group meetings with a representative from the organization that brought her back and the other four victims. Lou makes friends with one of them, which leads to the discovery that turns everything on its head.

Sharing anything beyond that will be way too much of a spoiler, but I will say this: holy shit. The book manages to be an interesting mystery, but also a contemplation about what the self means. It takes place in a vague Black Mirror episode – virtual reality plays a large role, and there are self-driving cars – but it doesn’t feel like a wholly different time and place. And the tech is more a background than the star.

I will be thinking about this book for awhile – about how the author managed to comment on society’s current interest in true crime, about how women in particular are treated as victims, about the expectations of motherhood. I might not have picked this one up without the recommendation from the bookstore, and I’m so glad I did.

I wavered back and forth between four and five stars for this one, but settled on five because the ending didn’t go on too long. That will make sense when you read it.

What’s next for this book:
Probably give it to my sister- or mother-in-law before we head back home as I think one of them will enjoy it.

Sunday

16

June 2024

0

COMMENTS

Tell Me Something About Buddhism by Zenju Earthlyn Manuel

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Four Stars

Best for:
Anyone curious about Buddhism and looking for some thoughts from someone who came to the practice a bit later in life.

In a nutshell:
Manuel, a priest in the Zen tradition and a Black woman from the US raised in the Christian church, shares short but thoughtful responses to common questions about Buddhism.

Worth quoting:
Shared a quote from Eihei Dogen: “If you see death as something over there, then you are viewing your life from outside of it.”

Why I chose it:
I am in fact a curious beginner!

Review:
I learned about this book when it was mentioned in a daily newsletter I get related to Buddhism. It seems to be mostly out of print, so it took awhile for it to arrive, but I am happy to sought it out, because it is a lovely beginner book. It’s just over 100 pages long, and easy enough to read in little chunks if one doesn’t have the time to just sit and read it all at once.

The book covers basics of Buddhism that I’ve read about in other books, such as the Eightfold path. But it also talks about things people may have heard in passing about Buddhism that they aren’t sure about.

I think something that makes this book especially interesting is the perspective that Manuel brings, as a Black woman from the US. Many books that I’ve read are (understandably) written by great wise Buddhists from eastern nations such Thich Nhat Hanh, and I obviously their perspectives are important. But Manuel speaks specifically about coming to Buddhism from another spiritual practice (the Christian church), and about being a Black woman in spaces where she was often the only Black person there. She speaks specifically about a multicultural community of practice, and how to navigate the fact that just because you have a bunch of folks following the path of Buddha in one place doesn’t mean you want have conflict.

I think what stuck out to me the most is that if I am going to continue this exploration, I do need to find a community and a teacher, because Buddhism isn’t about reading things in books, it’s about experiencing things myself.

What’s next for this book:
Keep and refer back to.

Sunday

19

May 2024

0

COMMENTS

High Conflict by Amanda Ripley

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Three Stars

Best for:
Anyone interested in narratives around people making connections across seemingly large divides.

In a nutshell:
Journalist Ripley explores the concept of ‘high conflict’ through the stories of a few different individuals and groups.

Worth quoting:
“The challenge of our time is to mobilize great masses of people to make change without dehumanizing one another.”

“Hatred assumes the enemy is immutable. If the enemy will always be evil, there is no reason to ever consider any creative solutions to the conflict.”

Why I chose it:
Way back in autumn of last year, when I bought this book, I was trying to figure out better ways to deal with interpersonal conflict.

Review:
It took me a long while to get into this book. I started it back in December 2023, but only over the last couple of weeks have I really gotten into it, probably reading about 2/3 of it in that time. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad book, but I had to meet it where it is, because I don’t think it’s quite what I was looking for. I thought it would be a bit more prescriptive about managing and working through conflict. And while there are tips, and a couple of appendices, it’s more like a series of long-form essays exploring different types of conflicts. And looking at it that way, it’s a decent book, though I do disagree with some point, or at least some of the characterizations the author makes.

Ripley talks about Gary, who lives in a tiny, well-off community in the San Francisco Bay Area, and how his attempts to make change in the volunteer board governing the town deepened conflict within. She interviews Curtis, a former gang member who has managed to leave that life. She talks to Sandra, a former member of FARC in Colombia who decided to reintegrate into society. And she looks at a synagogue in New York that participated in an exchange with corrections officer in Michigan in an attempt to learn more about each other.

The chapters that looked at Curtis’s life I found to be quite interesting, because they look at what it takes for someone to make individual changes, and the support that is needed. Both Curtis and Sandra were involved in serious conflicts – gang wars, and paramilitary battles. And both on some level had to make the individual choice to leave, but they were only able to stay out because of family, community, and financial (possibly governmental) support.

The section with Gary was mostly interesting because Gary found himself deeply mired in conflict but was himself a conflict mediator by trade. Irony! But also a good example of how one can be absolutely knowledgeable about how to help others, but not take their own advice, because they convince themselves that they are right.

I think the struggle I have with this book is that I still am not quite sure how to apply this when the stakes are super high AND many people are involved AND there are potentially ‘right’ answers. And it’s interesting to read this book that was published a few years ago, because the conflict in Israel and Palestine features. Obviously the past seven months have brought this into stark view for many more people that before, and it can be deeply challenging to have conversations about this when the stakes are so high. From my perspective, I just have such a hard time wrapping my head around anyone who doesn’t see what Israel is doing to the Palestinian people as deeply immoral. And there are people who feel even more strongly about that than I do, as evidenced by encampments at universities and direct action against weapons manufacturers. But where is the solution if people are not willing to have the conversations that Ripley recommends? Like, it seems odd for people to have to plead their humanity? And I am sure there are people who feel basically completely opposite to me who cannot wrap their head around my perspective. But neither of us are decisions makers – and they aren’t talking to each other.

I can see it working for lower stakes issues, like choosing a provider for a contractor, or even things that have a wider impact, like tax rates. But for the really ‘high conflict’ issues, if the decision makers, or the people who can make the changes, are not willing to have conversations with people who have different views, what options are left?

Basically, even though Ripley uses some very large geopolitical examples in the book, I see her arguments making much more sense and being more effecting at the micro level. And generally speaking, that probably will work for me in most instances. But at the macro level? How can it work if folks won’t try it?

What’s next for this book:
I’ll probably hold onto it as it has some appendices that might prove useful in the future.

Tuesday

7

May 2024

0

COMMENTS

The Shadow Cabinet by Juno Dawson

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Three Stars

Best for:
Those who enjoyed the first book in the series, Her Majesty’s Royal Coven.

In a nutshell:
Taking place immediately after the end of the first book, we find a witch who has taken over her sister’s body and a lot of men who want to cause a lot of harm to women.

Worth quoting:
N/A

Why I chose it:
I enjoyed the first in the series.

Review:
Without spoiling the book, I appreciate that the first one had a theme that was related to trans women, and this one was focused more on how men treat women. Obviously this is a world that has magic in it so it’s fantastical (though it takes place in current day UK and not some imaginary world), but the issues around the fear men have of powerful women, and their desire to exert dominance over women are extremely relevant.

(While reading it I was reminded of the discussion taking place on TikTok right now about whether women would rather be trapped in the woods with a man or a bear.)

I rated it a bit lower than the previous book because there is a LOT going on, and at times was a bit challenging to follow exactly what was happening. There are also some great unexpected twists, but that’s a separate issue. I think author Dawson knows the story she wants to tell, and has a lot of ideas that will probably all come together, but with so many different storylines and perspectives I’m still not entirely sure exactly what happened in a couple of areas. I suppose that’s not surprising for a book in the middle of a series – lots of place setting for what is to come next.

Overall, I think this is the type of fantasy book I can get into – there’s some world building but not so much that I have to draw my own map and create a glossary to understand what it happening. It’s largely based in a world I understand and know, so I can focus on the plot and the stories. I know some folks prefer fantasy that is set in a wholly fictional realm, so if that’s your preference, this isn’t going to be for you.

To note: I read a physical copy of the first book in the series, and chose the audio book for his one when I learned that it was read by Nicola Coughlan (over Derry Girls and Bridgerton fame). She does a fantastic job of nailing loads of different accents, and in general is a great narrator.

What’s next for this book:
I’ll definitely read the final book in the series when it’s released.

Saturday

30

March 2024

0

COMMENTS

Run by Rachel Laidler and Elspeth Beidas

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Five Stars

Best for:
People who like to travel to their run, or who are looking for some inspiration.

In a nutshell:
One hundred runs and trails of varying lengths, spread across every continent (yes, even that one).

Worth quoting:
N/A

Why I chose it:
It was a birthday gift.

Review:
I’ve been running for about 15 years now. In those years I’ve run 15 half marathons, and some of the best have been ones I’ve traveled for. There was one in the Black Country near Birmingham, England. That one was run along the canals, and you were released in sets of 2-4 people every few minutes. There was basically no one else around, and the water stations were kind people who live on canal boats and set up little tables along the trail.

Another one was the Paris half marathon. I was in grad school and a friend and I went together. It was HUGE – like 30,000 runners. And it was super cool to run through the streets of Paris, all shut down. That was also the race where they had chips you had to return, and the place where they had folks cutting them off was WAY too close to the finish line, so after about 2 hours there was a huge back-up of people trying to cross. Whoops.

Basically, traveling to run is a cool way to see another city or country. Ideally I time it correctly and arrive a couple of days before the run, enjoy a little job the day before, run the race, then have some time after to really enjoy and explore the place.

The book is gorgeous on its own, full of color photos of the race locations. It is laid out in six sections (one for each continental area, with the Antarctica race included with South America). Each race section includes a sparkline of the elevation, the distance, elevation, and terrain. There’s a narrative about the race, and details of how and when to sign up.

Many of the races in the book are longer than I’m happy running – I may be done with half marathons, and I’m definitely not about to train for a marathon or an ultra marathon (meanwhile my running coach is currently training for like a 90km race in the alps and I’m just like … sure). But there are some races that have a 10k associated with them, so I’m looking at those. It’s fun to make plans, even if I don’t make it to a lot of them. Always fun to set some goals.

What’s next for this book:
Keeping it and using it to plan some trips!

Monday

25

March 2024

0

COMMENTS

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson, Psy D

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Four Stars

Best for:
I mean, as it says on the tin, right? Also maybe if you’re considering becoming a parent? Might be good to consider checking it out.

In a nutshell:
Author Gibson explores the different types of emotionally immature parents, the impact that can have on their children as children and as adults, and offers ways of continuing on in relationship with such parents without further harming oneself.

Worth quoting:
“Emotionally immature parents can do a good job of taking care of their children’s physical and material needs. In a world of food, shelter, and education, these parents may be able to provide everything that’s needed. In terms of things that are physical, tangible, or activity related, many of these parents make sure their children get every advantage they can afford. But when it comes to emotional matters, they can be oblivious to their children’s needs.”

“Emotionally immature people, on the other hand, often take pride in their lack of [emotional work]. They rationalize their impulsive and insensitive responses with excuses like ‘I’m just saying what I think’ or ‘I can’t change who I am.’”

Why I chose it:
Well, I am an adult child. Am I an adult child of one or more emotionally immature parents? My therapist would probably say yes…

Review:
I can’t really review this in as much detail as I would like without revealing more about myself than I feel comfortable doing. But what I will say is that after spending some time in therapy last year, the concept of emotionally immature parents came onto my radar. I’m not going to specify which parents this might apply to; I will, however, share that I found this book to be full of highly relevant information that helped me to both better understand myself and help me sort out new approaches to interacting with the parents in the future.

The book is laid out quite well, with clearly defined and contained chapters. Gibson starts by exploring the impact of emotional immature parents on their adult children’s lives, then jumps into helping the reader sort out what an emotionally immature parent it. There’s a checklist / quiz here that I found helpful and eye-opening.

Gibson theorizes that there are four types of emotionally immature parents, and explores how they differ. There are three chapters in the middle that I found a bit less helpful than the others, partially because I think I already explored the ideas there in other ways, but these sections are probably quite helpful to most folks: they’re about different ways us as adult children react to being raised by emotionally immature parents. The final chapters are full of tips and tools for managing the relationship with an emotionally immature parent, which is really what I was in it for, and what I am looking forward to trying out in the future.

I think a lot of folks in my generation (Xennial) and younger are taking the time to explore and improve their emotional lives, and part of that work involves looking at their relationships, including with their parents. While this book might not be what my peers would reach for initially (it’s not marketed in a clever pop non-fiction way), I do think it’s worth checking out.

What’s next for this book:
On my shelf and to be referred to regularly I’d imagine.

Monday

11

March 2024

0

COMMENTS

Keanu Reeves is not in Love with You by Becky Holmes

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4 Stars

Best for:
Anyone interested in the world of romance fraud, as well as anyone who likes a lot of humour in their non-fiction books. Oooh, also anyone who gets some satisfaction out of people who dick around with said fraudsters.

In a nutshell:
Author Holmes gets a lot of clearly fake requests on social media, and so decides to play along, wasting the time of fraudsters while also investigating what makes them tick – and how anyone can be victimized by them.

Worth quoting:
“It always annoys me when people just write off the victims of romance fraud as being stupid. I’ve interviewed between thirty and forty victims, and not a single one was stupid…”

“…what I also find interesting is the difference in language used when talking about male and female victims of scamming … the blame shifts and seems to land squarely on the woman, whether she is the scammed or the scammer.”

“We need to stop referring to people as ‘falling for’ a scam. We don’t say someone ‘fell for a burglary’ or ‘fell for an assault.’ Romance fraud is not something that people ‘fall for’; it is something that happens to them.”

Why I chose it:
I mean it’s a great title. I too was once messaged by Keanu Reeves on Instagram. Sadly, nothing came of it.

Review:
What an interesting and – despite the serious subject matter – funny book.

Author Holmes decides to join various social media platforms, and, like many women, is immediately bombarded with messages from men of … dubious origin. But instead of blocking and ignoring, she decides to engage with them, wasting their time (and hopefully tying up at least some of the time they could be using to scam others) in all manner of ridiculous texts and photo exchanges.

The book definitely includes discussion about people pretending to be celebrities as the title suggests, but thats just the focus of one chapter. It’s a much broader look at online romance fraud, and Holmes does a great job making the subject accessible and really digging deep into how it can happen, but sharing stories of people who have been scammed. She also explores some of the biggest groups of scammers – spending a lot of time on Yahoo Boys, which was a group I’d never heard of, and which I was concerned might be a bit sensationalized as they are located in Nigeria (and lots of people have some racist assumptions about Nigerians and scams), but they are indeed a real thing.

Much of the book includes excerpts of Holmes’s interactions with scammers, which are both hilarious to read and also deeply disturbing, as one can see how these scammers really try to ingratiate themselves into the lives of the people who they fleece. It’s distressing and it really sucks for those who are victimized by them.

One area Holmes really focuses on – and which I call out in the quote I share above – is how judgmental people are when it comes to romance fraud. Frankly I hate that for people – much like I hate pranks. I realize they come from very different places, but in the end the joke (or crime) is ‘ha ha, you believe in people, you idiot.’ Of course it is easy to see red flags in hindsight, or when one is in a totally calm, stable, non-traumatic point in their life. But people aren’t always in the perfect place – sometimes people are sad, or lonely, or have just come out of an abusive relationships. And it sucks that people are not only harmed by the people stealing their money and tricking them into thinking they are in love, but also by their friends, family, and society with their judgment.

She also spends time looking at how little support there is for the victims of this fraud. There is ‘Action Fraud,’ which is where the police refer people in the UK (where the author lives), but they sound both under-resourced and ineffective. Police don’t investigate, banks don’t really care, and family members judge. It stinks.

Overall, I think this is a good book for anyone (including those who thing they are ‘too smart’ to ‘fall for’ any such scams), both because it is well written but also because I learned quite a few things and it helped me remind myself about the need for empathy for people whose main ‘fault’ is trusting others.

What’s next for this book:
Keep, maybe pick up a copy for friends who might find this interesting.

Thursday

29

February 2024

0

COMMENTS

The Snakehead by Patrick Radden Keefe

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Three Stars

Best for:
People interested in the concepts of immigration and human trafficking.

In a nutshell:
Keef explores the life of Sister Ping, a woman who helped smuggle thousands of people to the US from China, and along the way looks at the history of immigration laws and the lengths people will go to when they want to build a different life.

Worth quoting:
N/A

Why I chose it:
I’ve read all of Keefe’s other books, and really enjoyed most of them.

Review:
I am someone who has managed to immigrate to a new country. I was born and raised in the US, but thanks to a skilled worker visa my partner was able to secure, I have managed to get the equivalent of a green card in the UK, bought a home and am waiting on a citizenship decision. My ability to do this required me to be married to someone with a ‘scarce’ skill set, and to have the funds to support such a move.

But so many people do not have that option but want it, and because of the absolutely mammoth hurdles people have to overcome to be able to immigrate to a new country, many seek alternative options. Enter the Snakehead, a.k.a. Sister Ping, a woman who took serious advantage of the desperation of those who wanted to leave China and move to the US.

The book starts with the horrors of a ship having washed ashore, with undocumented individuals thrashing about in the waves outside Queens, New York, emaciated and not able to speak English. It then drops back to explore the history of immigration laws in the US, interwoven with this story of a woman and those who worked for her, taking money from people in exchange for bringing them to the US.

I found the book itself a real challenge to get into for some reason, unlike Keefe’s books on the IRA and on the Sackler family. I think it is his first investigative book, so perhaps his craft has developed over time. But I also find the underlying topic so interesting, heartbreaking, and frankly infuriating. I find immigration laws overall to be a bit absurd in their complexity – I think it’s kind of silly to have borders as they are now. I of course understand the desire to self-govern and set ones own norms and rules within one’s own community (city/state/nation), but considering it’s basically just a roll of the dice in terms of where you are born, I don’t understand how anyone can rationalize making it so hard for people to move about.

What’s next for this book:
I’m still waiting for him to announce his next book, and I’ll definitely pick that one up whenever it comes out.

Tuesday

6

February 2024

0

COMMENTS

The Paris Apartment by Lucy Foley

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3 Stars

Best for:
I’m not totally sure if I’m honest. It’s similar to her other books, but also not.

In a nutshell:
Jess is visiting her half brother Ben in Paris, but when she arrives, he’s nowhere to be found, and his cat has some blood on it.

Worth quoting:
N/A

Why I chose it:
Thought I’d round out the Lucy Foley catalog.

Review:
Hmmm. I nearly gave up on this book because it wasn’t holding my attention, but there is a twist that comes about 1/3 of the way through that brought me back in.

Like her other books, this one is told from the point of view of a few different characters, nearly all of whom live in the same apartment building in Paris, plus Jess, who is visiting her brother Ben. There is Sophie, who lives in the penthouse with her husband Jack, and who is quite the snob. There is Mimi, who is very young and a bit shy, and lives with a flatmate. Then there is Nick, who knew Ben from their university days, and got Ben the apartment. Finally the concierge, an older woman who lives on the ground flour and takes care of the building.

Jess sort of flees London, and tells Ben she’s going to crash with him for a bit. His last message to her before she arrives is a voice note giving her instructions for how to find the flat. But when she arrives a few hours later, there is no trace of him, but his keys and wallet are still in the flat.

The book jumps back and forth in time, following different perspectives wit the goal of figuring out what the hell happened to Ben. I’ll admit that the resolution was somewhat surprising and fairly satisfying, but overall the book just wasn’t that interesting to me.

What’s next for this book:
I will probably eventually listen to Foley’s books if another one is released, as it’s decent to listen to while on a run.