The first draft of this essay was started about five minutes after I finished an eight mile run. It was a sunny but chilly day, early enough that the streets weren’t packed but not so early that I had any expectation of empty sidewalks and parks. About 1.5 miles into my run, I was on a fairly narrow bit of sidewalk with some inconveniently placed trees and light posts. As convention in the UK would suggest, I was running on the left, but aware that I might need to move should someone be coming towards me and not paying attention. In the distance I saw a couple walking on their left, and a man running. The man was ahead of the couple, but for some reason running on the right, not the left.

Instead of moving to his left as he saw me coming towards him, he starts to speed up and screamed at a level so loud that it hurt my ears “GET OUT OF MY LANE.”

via GIPHY

First off, there aren’t lanes on the sidewalk. But second, he said it with such anger that I was genuinely frightened. He was a tall, beefy white guy who no doubt could have knocked me out, and who seemed to be mad enough that he wanted to do just that. My only response was to sort of gasp as I threw my hands up in the air.

I spent the rest of my run being pissed that this guy had been SUCH an asshole, but it also got me thinking more about what it means to be a good pedestrian — both when running and when walking. I observed my fellow runners and walkers, noting what made things more challenging and more pleasant. So today, I give you my tips for how not to be a jerk when getting around on foot.

Runners
We move quicker than other pedestrians (and some other runners), and we need to be aware of that. Yes, it’s annoying to have to stop our training or go at a slower pace when trying to build up stamina and strength, but realistically if you want a perfect, no obstacle running environment, join a gym and use a treadmill. I personally hate running indoors, so I recognize that there is a trade-off, and that means we have to deal with red lights, oblivious pedestrians, and bicycles on pavements (which is legal in some places but so ridiculous and dangerous). Parks aren’t often big enough to do a long run without getting extremely bored, so that means we’re going to be out on the sidewalk. So, things to keep in mind:

• We don’t have any more of a right to the sidewalk than walkers. Now, they don’t, either, but as annoying as it might be to have to dodge someone who moves unexpectedly, they get to be there too. No use getting huffy about it.
• It can be jarring to have someone come up behind you and pass you, especially if you’re out for a walk on a loud street and don’t hear footsteps, so try to start letting them know when you’re still far away. They might be a little confused by the person yelling “on your left” from a distance, but that’s better than giving them a heart attack when you’re a foot away.
• Even if you’re where you think you should be (e.g., on the left in the UK, or the right in the US), if you can move more safely and easily than the people coming towards you, just do it. Now, if I’m out for a walk and someone else is obliviously walking towards me looking at their phone, I might not move out of their way immediately (especially if they’re a guy, because guys just seem to act more entitled to be in my space). But running? People can get hurt if I run into them. I can get hurt if I run into them. It’s not worth it.
• Slow down if you have to; your personal best time isn’t worth a broken ankle or chipped tooth. I know it can be annoying to really be in a groove and then come upon a crowd of pedestrians who could not be paying less attention if they were asleep. But you just need to slow down to a jog or even a walk and get through safely. I fell the other day because instead of slowing down as I approached a pedestrian I just tried to dodge her. Tripped on some pavement, skinned my knee and bruised the palm of my hand. Not great.

Walkers
It’s great to explore a city on foot. Even just walking a couple of blocks to the grocery store is a nice treat, as you don’t have to deal with traffic. But being a pedestrian comes with some responsibility as well; just as runners don’t own the sidewalks, neither do you. Consider the following when you’re out in the world, taking in the scenery:

• Sidewalks are often narrow. If you are walking with friends, you need to move into a single file line (or two by two, depending on the sidewalk width) when you see people coming towards you. If you’re a couple and you think the pavement can fit three across, still get in single file when someone is coming towards you. Don’t make the oncoming walker or runner squeeze next to a wall or nearly run into a tree because you don’t want to briefly interrupt your conversation. Also, realize that people may be walking or running up behind you, so always try to leave some space for a person to get by, even if you can’t see them.
• Don’t walk in the middle of the sidewalk, even if it’s wide, and even if you’re alone. Someone coming up behind you won’t be able to guess if you might start to drift to the right or the left, making it harder for them to get past you safely. This applies whether you’re by yourself, pushing a pram, or with friends. Pick a side and stay there. Related: don’t wander. I’ve seen so many people talking on the phone, having a chat, enjoying the afternoon air, making figure eights on the sidewalk without realizing it. That’s not just annoying; it can be unsafe and even force people out into traffic depending on how narrow the sidewalk is and how noise-canceling your headphones are.
• Look. Up. From. Your. Phones. I get it. I look at my phone (or a book) when I walk. But you know what I have? Situational awareness. I look up often. I walk in a straight line. I put my phone down when I’m approaching an intersection or crosswalk. The other day I was running in a park and folks were playing a game (I *think* it was Pokemon-adjacent). Five of them were taking up the entire width of the path, and none of them were looking up from their phones. I slowed down and said, sternly but without shouting “Please look up from your phones, this isn’t safe” as I made my way around them.
• Keep the leads for your dogs short and close to you. In parks it’s a different issue, because many owners keep their dogs off leash. It’s a serious hazard for me as a runner, but I understand that and so go slow around dogs. On sidewalks it’s a bit scarier, as many people use those leashes that retract and are very thin and long, so they can be hard to see. The number of times I’ve nearly tripped over a leash where the distance between the dog and the owner is four or five feet is pretty high, and it’s always scary, because I don’t want to hurt the pup either. So be aware that your dog should be kept close to you.
• If you’re in high-traffic areas, especially areas where people like to take pictures and selfies, get out of the way. Get as close to the edge of the pavement or the side of the bridge. The middle of the bridge sidewalk on a Saturday afternoon is not the place to stand for ten minutes figuring out where you’re getting lunch. Step off to the side to get your bearings so other walkers and runners can go about their days.

Okay. Go out, get some exercise, be safe, and for the love of god, don’t fucking scream at your fellow humans. Good grief.

I’ve received questions about RSVPing before, but since we’re getting close to the winter holidays, when people will be hosting small gatherings (Thanksgiving with friends) and large gatherings (open house / cookie party / Christmas party), I wanted to take some time to revisit the concept.

As a general rule:

• you should RSVP to things (yes or no, not maybe)
• if you RSVP yes, you should do your best to go

I’ve never been able to understand why people don’t RSVP when they get invited somewhere. It’s not a hard thing to do. It doesn’t require money, or even more than five seconds; 30 if you have to open your calendar app or shoot a text to a partner. And not doing it is thoughtless, and can suggest to the person who has invited you that they don’t merit even the slightest consideration. No one wants to feel that way.

At the same time, no one should feel obligated to go to optional events. Even some things others would consider mandatory (funerals, weddings) are, in my opinion, a case-by-case situation. Some people can’t process their grief in public; some people are invited to weddings out of obligation and so shouldn’t feel the need to attend (thanks for the invite to your second wedding, distant relative, but we’ve neither seen each other nor spoken in a decade, and that was only at a funeral).

You also don’t need to come to a cookie party, or birthday dinner, or graduation party. If I’ve invited you, I’d love for you to come, but everyone has obligations. Sometimes they have other plans; other times the one free night a person has all month is the same night as a pumpkin carving, so I get that they would pass.

But if a person says they are going to attend an event, they should make an effort to show up. I’ve purchased food and drinks, and possibly planned whether I have room to invite others who aren’t as close but who I still would like to see, based on people saying they’re going to show up. If someone bails at the last minute, that means I can’t invite the colleague I was thinking I might get to know better, and there are a few beers I didn’t need to have taking space in my fridge. To which you might say ‘no big deal,’ and it’s not, but it is kind of jerky.

I know things happen. I tend to get sick at the least opportune times. Perhaps a relative has unexpectedly come to town. I had someone no show once because he was pissed at his girlfriend.

The thing is, you don’t owe me your presence at my party. But if we’re good enough friends that it was reasonable that I should invite you to my gathering, then I think we’re good enough friends that you’d show me some kindness and come if you say you’re going to.

Which brings me to the “but I let you know!” response. Frankly, that’s almost as bad, especially the day of. Changing your RSVP to no a couple days before is a bummer, sure, but I can work with that. But having a string of text messages appear in the hours and minutes before a party is demoralizing.

And I know that your excuse is valid. You have a horrible headache. You’re double booked. You’re hungover. Your child has a cold. And that’s fine. But if you’re trying to be a good friend (and not a jerk), just think a minute before you decide to bail.

Every once in awhile I observe an interaction in a shop or restaurant that bums me out. Sometimes it will stick with me, and those ones end up on this site. For example, the other day I was in a Cafe Nero coffee shop and witnessed this exchange:

Barista: What would you like?
Customer: I’d like a latte but can you put it in this cup? *Hands over large Starbucks-branded reusable cup.*
Barista: I’m happy to make you a latte but I can’t put it in this cup if you’re staying in.
Customer: *Changes stance, adopts an attitude.* Why not? Every other Cafe Nero lets me do it.
Barista: I’m sorry but we aren’t allowed to have you drinking out of a competitor’s cup in our shop.
Customer: *Whining.* That’s ridiculous.
Barista: *Calmly, pleasantly.* If you can cover the logo that’s fine. *Other Barista picks up a Cafe Nero drink sleeve.*
Customer: Okay. But I want two stamps for my drink card.

Can we all agree to stop expecting people in the service industry to bend or break seemingly silly rules that we just don’t feel like following? And if you forget, ask, and then they refuse, can we agree to not be jerks to them or demand a different benefit instead?

In this case, Cafe Nero has a policy. I get it. I might not think it’s that big of a deal, but it’s their store and their policy. It’s not discriminatory against a marginalized group. It’s not even that strange of a policy, if you really think it through. But in this case, the Customer didn’t like it, and wanted a special exception made for him, and when the Barista provided him with a work-around, the Customer still demanded something special (an extra stamp on his loyalty card), as though the Customer had somehow been put out.

Look, I get it. Some corporate policies piss me right off. For example, a bunch of shops in the UK won’t take my US credit card, because it has requires a signature. Personally, I don’t think a store should be allowed to say it accepts Visa cards if it doesn’t accept all of them, but that’s their policy. So I just don’t shop in those places. I don’t adopt an attitude of entitlement, and I’m not rude to staff. Internally I’m annoyed, but I know it isn’t the check-out staff’s decision, and I don’t expect them to make an exception for me.

Obviously none of this applies if you are experiencing unequal treatment. If you are a person of color and get denied the same exception as the white person at the table next to you (say, using the restroom without buying something *cough* Starbucks *cough*), that’s a whole different issue.

I’m talking about not liking the return policy, or the store credit policy, or the limit on how many of the discounted bags of popcorn you can buy at a time. You may find them inconvenient, but complaining about it and being rude to the front-line staff (or even store management if it’s a chain or franchise) isn’t just a waste of everyone’s time — it’s also extremely entitled. You don’t deserve a break in the rules just because you don’t like them, and the person you’re complaining to likely doesn’t have the authority to change the rules for you, but still has to remain kind and calm while not knowing if you’re going to lose your shit at them.

One last thing — I’ve seen and heard so many people say “I don’t like X, so it doesn’t hurt to ask if they’ll let me do Y instead.” I’m going to go against the grain and say that actually yes, it sometimes does hurt to ask. If you don’t like the policy, write a letter. Make a call. Send a tweet. Vote with your dollars and pounds. But put yourself in the position of the employee who might be fielding loads of special requests every day, and who doesn’t know if you’re going to be the next person who is a jerk when they don’t get their way.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how to be a good host when guests stay with you in your home. Now it’s time for the flip side: how to be a good guest.*

Planning Your Trip
If you’re planning a trip to specifically visit certain people, or you’ve been invited by them, then obviously you need to find a time that is good for them as well. No week is going to be perfect, but if you have a few weeks in mind and they say one is vastly worst than the rest, try to avoid that week.

And even if you won’t be staying with friends, if its possible to do, avoid visiting during quarter close for your friend who works in finance, or the week after they get back from their own trip, or the last week of school. They’ll want to see you, and it stinks when it’s possible to organize a trip at a convenient time but you don’t take the steps to do that.

At the same time, if you have to visit at a certain point, don’t be upset if your friends aren’t able to offer space to stay with them, or won’t be able to see you as often as you’d like. Yes, you may be traveling hundreds or thousands of miles, and that might mean, to you, that they should drop everything to see you. And to a degree, they obviously should. But also, if it’s a time when they already had plans, or theater tickets, or work events, or important events with their local friends, you should be understanding.

Arriving
If possible, try to arrive at a time that is convenient to your hosts. Obviously, that’s not always possible — flights are expensive, and you have to pick what works for you. But if you can avoid getting in at midnight on a Tuesday when they will have to work on Wednesday, do it. It’s vacation for you, but it’s a Tuesday for them.

When you do arrive, it’s okay to take a minute to breathe — you don’t have to do all your catching up in the ten minutes you spend standing in their living room after you arrive, and you’ve probably just endured the hellscape that is holiday air travel, so just relax.

Your Accommodations
Some people have a guest room that’s all yours — and some of those have their own bathrooms. Huzzah! It’s like you’re in a hotel. Sweet.

More than likely, however, you’ll be sharing a bathroom at least, and possibly sleeping in a common area. It’s great that you don’t have to pay for accommodation, and you get to spend more time with your friends, but there is a trade-off here, and that trade-off is that you’re probably in a space a little bit smaller than you’d get in a hotel.

Ideally your hosts will have made room for you, but it’s possible they were busy, or just didn’t think to do that. And that’s okay – it happens. Just ask if there’s a space you can put some of your toiletries, or if there’s room in the closet for anything you need to hang up. If you’re in the common area, keep your bags off to the side and out of the way of the living space until you need to get something from it. Yes, you want to be comfortable, but also, you’re sleeping in front of their TV. Adjust accordingly.

Plans
Some people plan their vacations down to the half hour. Others plan for nothing and figure it out when they arrive. I think most people are somewhere in between. As a guest, you should plan for some activities so that your hosts don’t have to figure out how to entertain you the entire time. If its your first visit to their city, they may want to show it off to you, but especially if it’s a larger place, it’s unfair to just assume they’ll figure everything out for you.

At the same time, you also want to be flexible. There may be some things you can only do at certain times — the museum that’s closed on Mondays, the show you have tickets for on Saturday — but come up with a few options so that you can make things work with your hosts’ schedule as well. There are likely some things they’ll want to do with you if possible, and also some things they’ve already done and don’t need to do again. Talk it out.

Again, be flexible. Something might come up at work for them that keeps them, or their child might get sick. You have to remember, again, that this is your vacation but its your host’s daily life.

Food and Drink
Most hosts will say that you’re welcome to whatever is in their house. They should mean that, but still. Try not to finish the last of anything without asking, and don’t bust open 30-year-old scotch while they’re at the office.

If you or your family members have any special dietary needs, communicate those ahead of time. If you’re extremely allergic to a type of food, let them know so they can clear it out. Or if you NEED coffee and they aren’t coffee drinkers, let them know the kind you like.

Also keep in mind that your hosts might have dietary restrictions that you’ll need to respect. If they have a serious allergy to a food you love, eat it when you’re out of the house; don’t buy some for yourself and store it in their fridge.

Thank You
You don’t need to bring a gift with you when you’re staying with someone, but it is nice. Something from your home city is good – some dried salmon from Seattle, chocolates from Belgium, etc.

It’s also nice to consider taking them out for dinner or breakfast one day on your trip. It’s great to see you, but you are uprooting their lives for a bit, and it’s thoughtful to let them know you appreciate it.

*We’ve had a few guests since we moved here. You’ve all been awesome!

Having house guests can be delightful — you get to see people you perhaps haven’t seen in awhile, they get to save on hotel costs. Everybody wins!

… Usually. But it can also be stressful, as people are around each other nearly non-stop, routines are interrupted, and someone is inevitably in the shower for way too long.

So, to help with your hosting this summer (or any time, really), I’d like to offer HNTBAJW’s tips for being a good host (while keeping on good terms with your guests).

Where They Sleep
This can be the easiest thing to get set up, but it does require a bit of work ahead of time.

• Wash all bedding (even if you washed it after your last guest three months ago — dust gets on bedspreads just like it gets on dressers) and re-make the bed with seasonally appropriate sheets and blankets. If the bed is an air mattress, keep the bedding in a clean place and help set up the mattress each night.
• Dust all the things, and then vacuum the floors
• Check that all the lights are working and replace bulbs as needed
• Set out fresh towels, toiletries (shampoo, shower gel, etc.), and boxes of tissues
• Remove anything of yours that you store in the guest room but that you anticipate needing during their visit
• Clear out space in any dressers or wardrobes / closets
• Place adapters in outlets if your guests are visiting from another county

Keep in mind that your guests may have a separate sleeping schedule than you, especially if they are sleeping in a common space like the living room. If they go to bed early, move your evening reading / Netflix-watching / video game playing to your bedroom. And in case they might get up late, you should have as much of your morning needs prepared the night before (especially if you are working while they are visiting) so you don’t make excessive noise while they try to get a bit of extra sleep.

Orienting Them to Your House and Neighborhood
Your Home
If possible, make an additional set of keys for your guests so that they aren’t stuck to your schedule. Let them know of any security concerns or things they should be aware of, like faucets that blast boiling hot water unexpectedly, or toilets that tend to overflow.

The Neighborhood
Some visitors enjoy wandering on their own, with no direction and no guidance. Others might appreciate some suggestions. With phones that act as maps, there’s no need to spell out exactly where anything is (unless it’s hard to find), but you can make things easier by putting together a little sheet of suggestions and tips, such as:

• Nearby coffee shops
• Nearest transit hubs (bus stops / tube stops)
• Your favorite breakfast or lunch spot
• The best parks for their kids to run around in
• Sites that their guidebooks (if visiting a large city) might not include but that you think they’d enjoy

Making Plans
If you’re lucky enough to live in a city with a lot of areas that are interesting to visitors, your friends and family may mostly take care of their own plans (and if you are working while they’re visiting, they’ll need to entertain themselves anyway). When they arrive — but after they’ve had a chance to settle it — get on the same page about expectations. If you have one day off when they’re in town, determine which of their interests match with yours and see if you can do those activities together. If you have plans that can’t be changed (an evening class, or a work event that you must attend), share that too.

Food
If possible, you should make it clear that whatever you have in the house is theirs to use, and then you should mean it. Most people help won’t themselves to something that looks special (say, a 40-year-old bottle of scotch) without asking, but if you’re overly worried, it’s okay to stick in in your closet for the duration.

Additionally, check with your friends ahead of time if they have any severe allergies (you probably already know this, but if you don’t — or if there’s a new kid — just ask). If you’re planning on making any meals while they’re here, check on food preferences. You might think your linguine with clams is the absolute best, especially since your town is known for its seafood, but if your guests hate clams, that’s a bummer for everyone.

Finally, see what they usually like for breakfast, and then pick some of that up. Or, get some extra of what you normally eat so that they can just have some cereal / toast / porridge / fruit before heading out to explore the town.

Other Concerns
If you don’t have children but your guests do, give them a heads up about your house and what they can expect. In our case, we have stairs and cats, both of which can be a hazard to very young kids, so we make that clear to anyone planning to stay with us. We also don’t have children, and our house is set up for two adults and two kids. Your friends and family shouldn’t expect you to run out and spend a lot of money child-proofing your whole home for a two-day visit, but there are still things you can do, like putting easily breakable (or swallow-able) tchotchkes up in a cabinet.

Be Flexible — To a Point
It’s likely that your visitors are on vacation and may want to change things up without a lot of notice. This can be frustrating for people who have a schedule to keep, but if it’s more an annoyance than an actual problem, try to just roll with it. This isn’t a permanent life change; this is a few days, and the focus should be on getting to spend time with people you care about. So what if you end up having dinner 30 minutes earlier than normal for a few nights, right?

At the same time, however, if your guests make requests that you can’t support, that’s okay. If your kids aren’t allowed to watch TV during the week but your guests’s kids are, you can choose to keep your rules. There might be some groaning, but they’ll survive. If you don’t allow guns in your home, you absolutely don’t need to make an exception for family. It’s up to you to determine which rules you can let go for a bit, and which are non-negotiable. It’s still your home.

Finally, Remember…
These aren’t new roommates; they’re friends and family who are only here for a short time, so make the most of their visits. You’ll be back to missing them soon enough.

Sometimes I think I could write an entire book (or at least a thick pamphlet) about public transit etiquette. In few other situations are we a captive audience with no immediate escape, surrounded by strangers. To me, this means we need to take extra care that we’re considerate of those around us. As someone who uses public transportation on a regular basis, I’ve been collecting a list of things that people should do (or not do) to make travel less challenging. Today, I share them with you!

Entering
Let’s start at the very beginning, because apparently folks get tripped up from the word go. Different public transit system have different rules about payment, which can create some bottlenecks, as well as confusion for people using the bus or rail for the first time.

To not be that guy, figure out how you can pay before getting onto your chosen mode of transportation. If you need a transit card, purchase one ahead of time. If you need to ‘tap in’ prior to boarding, do that; otherwise have your payment method ready to go when you’re in line to board. If you’re going to pass through a gate, don’t get in line until you have your ticket out and ready to go (especially during rush hour – that sea of people is moving with or without you).

Also — and this seems to be a challenge for some folks, especially on elevators — you need to let people off the mode of transportation before you try to get on. That’s not just manners; that’s physics. A full train won’t have room for you until some people get off the carriage. And keep an eye out for the people who are stepping off only because they are letting others exit; they should be allowed to re-board before new people jump in.

Unless you have a mobility need that requires use of certain spaces on the bus or train, move all the way into the vehicle. I think we all have a little fear that we’ll somehow miss our station or stop, but I’ve seen that happen maybe once in twenty years of heavy public transit use. If you’re getting off at the next stop, try to be one of the last people to get on the bus so you don’t have to push your way out. If not, move all the way in and fill up all the available spaces. If you just decide to stop halfway back, there may be people who will miss the bus or train. That’s not cool.

Also, if you’re standing in the space for strollers and wheelchairs, and someone using a stroller or wheelchair gets on, you need to move. Seriously.

Finding a Seat
If you’re lucky (or traveling outside of commute hours), there may be seats available. If you can allow people some personal space, that’s ideal. If you need one of the spaces made available for people with mobility challenges, take it. If someone in the seat appears to not fit that same bill, it’s okay to ask that they move, but you should also recognize that not all mobility issues are visible. Related — if you just took that seat because it was the only one open, and someone who needs it gets on, you should vacate it without being asked.

If there are double seats empty, you should choose those instead of sitting next to another person. If it’s a long bench (like on the tube) and there are options that allow you to have an empty seat on one or both side of you, choose that first.

And unless there are multiple empty seats, don’t set your bags on the empty seat next to you. Did you purchase a second fair for your bags? No? Then that seat is not yours. Also, don’t put your feet on the seats. That’s just nasty.

Finally, a word for guys (sorry, not interested in your protestations, this is 99.9999% of the time a guy thing): close your legs. I do not need your thigh taking up 1/3 of my seat just because you feel the need to air out your junk. Keep to your space, and keep out of mine.

Food and Drink
Everyone gets hungry and we don’t all have time to sit down for a meal, but try not to bring especially pungent foods on board. People are stuck in this carriage or bus and can’t get away from your fried fish fillet. In some cases, it might even cause someone to vomit on you.

That would suck.

If you need to bring something to drink with you, please make sure it has a lid on it, and that you can drink out of it without creating a spill risk. No one wants your hot coffee on their shirt.

Illness
I cringe when the person who sits or stands next to me on the bus starts sniffing, but I get angry when they cough or sneeze on me. I completely understand that people with colds (and other illnesses) might need to take the bus or the train. That’s life. But what I don’t get is the same people not wearing a mask. Half the time it seems folks are just sneezing and coughing out into the open; the other half they cough into their hand and then grab onto the shared posts that people use to keep their balance.

Gross.

If you have to travel when you’re sick, please just wear a mask.

Phone Use
I’ll cover that in another essay.

Alright. Hopefully if you’ve been doing some of these things without realizing it, you’ll stop. Or, if you’re interested in being the worst possible version of yourself, perhaps you’ll find inspiration here. Either way:

There’s an issue that’s been swirling around my head (literally and figuratively) since moving back to London. And I’m willing to bet that it’s not just an issue for me, but for many of the other 84% of folks living in the UK who don’t smoke either.

I’m talking about smoking in public.

First, I want to make it clear that this isn’t a post about someone’s choice to start or continue smoking. Sure, it’s not the healthiest thing a person can do, but you don’t owe me — or anyone else — a life of healthy choices. I mean, I’m literally drinking liquid sugar (a.k.a hot chocolate) as I type this, so I can’t exactly judge.

Second, this isn’t an attempt to get smokers to stop smoking. I have friends who smoke. They know the statistics and the risks. Sure, I’d love it if no one smoked anymore, but it’s not my call.

If you’re a smoker who doesn’t care about being a jerk when you smoke, then this post isn’t for you! But for those who smoke and do care, this is for you.

Walking while smoking
You’re late for an appointment. You just got off the bus (where you obviously can’t light up), and you only have ten minutes until your next appointment. It also, coincidentally, takes ten minutes to walk there. Perfect time to grab a quick cigarette, right?

Please don’t. Or at least, please think about your surroundings before doing so. If it’s a busy street, or a busy time of day, you’re exposing a whole bunch of people to chemicals that they didn’t ask to be exposed to. And the nature of walking means that anyone going in your direction will either have to jog past you if they’re able, or be stuck with your smoke in their face until their path diverges from yours, and anyone walking towards you will end up walking directly through your smoke cloud. That’s kind of a jerk move.

Also, as an aside, people who walk while smoking will often (out of necessity, I assume) flick some ash along the way. I’ve been on the receiving end of such ash more than once, including a hot bit that flew directly into my eye. That shit HURT. And yes, it’s possible that I will be injured by other items while out in public — say, by an oblivious person walking directly into me — but the existence of other boorish actions doesn’t excuse all of them.

Smoking in parks and at the beach
It’s a beautiful day in London. The grass is finally dry, there’s not a cloud in sight, and it’s the weekend! Time to lay out the blanket and breathe in some clean air.

Until someone lights up a cigarette 15 feet away. Then the lovely day turns into an obstacle course wherein non-smokers attempt to dodge any group that includes smokers. Of course, people who smoke don’t smoke all the time, so it’s nearly impossible to pick a spot that guarantees freedom from something that causes me to cough like I myself have been smoking three packs a day for 20 years.

In the UK a couple of years ago they explored banning smoking anywhere that children play. I mean, cool, but it’s not just children who should have access to cleaner air. It’s great to start with kids, but eventually I’d love it if we cared about the air that everyone inhales.

And before you point out that there will be other smells (and sounds) that are unpleasant and might put a damper on a day at the park or beach, I know. But I’m talking about smoking right now, not whether forcing other people to listen to your choice of music at full volume is acceptable (it’s not).

Smoking right at the door
In the US, smoking laws vary, but in places where there are smoking bans, there are often rules about the distance one must be from an entrance before lighting up. That doesn’t appear to be the case in the UK, which seems a bit ridiculous. Having to pass through a cloud of smoke every time one leaves or enters a business is not cool, so smokers, I’d ask that you move well away from all building entrances before lighting up.

Smoking at the bus stop
You’ve got what is essentially a captive audience here, so unless there’s a way to position yourself so your smoke blows away from everyone at the stop, please reconsider lighting up.

A word on vaping
Congratulations to those who have shifted from cigarettes to vaping! Unfortunately, many people who vape seem to think that the stuff they are exhaling is harmless, but it’s not. It’s quite nasty, and seems to create a much larger cloud than traditional smoking. Sure, it doesn’t smell the same as cigarettes, but I still have no interest in walking through a cloud of peppermint-tinged nicotine and propylene glycol. So please follow the same considerations suggested above, even though you aren’t smoking cigarettes anymore.

So … where should people smoke?
Banning smoking in the workplace and all enclosed public spaces was a great move from a public health perspective. I’ve also at times hoped for a ban of smoking in all public spaces, but one unfortunate consequence of banning smoking in public outright is that it can be engineered as a way to harass unhoused people, which is definitely not cool. Smokers also often have lower incomes, so anti-smoking laws and regulations (in places like public housing for example) may disproportionately impact already marginalized populations. I’m not interested in that, either, so instead I’m just going to hope that smokers simply look around and consider the affect they have on the people around them.

Regardless of how you choose to use Facebook, there are definitely ways you can be a jerk on there. Below are just a few things I’ve noticed over the years; I may add to this as I experience more in the future.

Friending
I have a general rule with Facebook: if I wouldn’t make the effort to grab a hot beverage or a drink with someone and talk for 20 minutes, one on one, there’s no reason for us to be friends on Facebook. However, I recognize that not everyone has this rule. People friend colleagues, all family members, people they met at a party, people who generally seem cool. Some people post all the things; some people post nothing but keep an account so they don’t miss out on invitations to events. Social media serves different purposes for different people.

Let me repeat myself: social media serves different purposes for different people. In my opinion, anyone should feel comfortable asking anyone to be their friend on Facebook, so long as they meet these criteria:

• You have interacted with them in some way previously. That doesn’t mean you have to know them, or have met them in person. But it’s kind of a creeper move to just go looking through friend lists and sending random invites.
• You have not been asked to leave them alone (either by them or, say, the police).
• You will be okay if they decline your request.

This last one is key – if you are going to be hurt if they don’t accept your request, think really hard about whether you want to even send the request. If this is your best friend in the world (and you know she’s active on Facebook), or your underage child who is violating the agreement you have about social media use, then sure, have a chat. But if you send a friend request to your cousin who you haven’t seen in fifteen years and she doesn’t accept it? It’s okay! You managed to go 15 years without interacting; there might be a reason for it. And if you really want to reconnect, maybe consider sending an email.

Unfriending
I think a lot of people may have had their first taste of this just after the election. Maybe they got fed up with seeing certain political ideas defended on their walls, or maybe they just realized that life is too short to have a feed cluttered up with posts they don’t care about from people they have no intention of ever seeing again.

It’s not a jerk move to unfriend someone, and I don’t think you need to let people know that you’ve done it, or why you’ve done it. Just think about it before you do it; if you feel like someday soon your opinion might change, consider just hiding them from your feed and adding them to a list that doesn’t see your posts.

Blocking
I am currently blocking 180 individuals on Facebook. I only know six of them, and of those, only two are people I was once friends with (both are relatives – go figure). During and after the election, when friends of friends or just random strangers made hateful comments (usually of the racist or sexist variety), I would block them.

I tried to engage a couple of them, but then realized that they certainly weren’t open to any discussion with me. Is this that bubble everyone is warning me about? Sure is! I’m pretty proud to have a bubble that is generally free from Nazis and the like. It’s not a jerk move to block someone; no one has the right to force you to listen to (or read) their opinion.

Posting (political)
Nearly everything fits into this category; in fact, I’m trying to generally avoid the delineation because I think everything that happens in politics has an impact on our lives. But for now, let’s just talk about the obvious: things related to elected officials or policy. GMO labeling. Climate Change. The current inhabitant of the White House.

Post away, but in this realm, be ready for people to come at you if they disagree. That doesn’t mean you have to host every rant: your wall, your choice. Just know that people tend to see the sharing of political articles as an invitation to discuss them.

If people start spewing hateful things on a post you put up, say, supporting the right of people to use the bathroom that matches their gender, regardless of what genitals they have, shut that shit down. If they want a platform, they have their own wall for that. You might get some ‘freeze peach’ ranting, but again – you aren’t the government, you aren’t censoring them, and they don’t have a right to make you listen to them. It’s okay.

Posting (non-political)
I’m not going to retread well-worn ground here; the whole STFU tumblr craze of the late 2000s covered all manner of weird shit people post on Facebook. But as I said before, people can use social media in many different ways, so really the only asshole move here is telling someone they can’t post what they want to post.

I tend to use Twitter for witty one-liners and observations; Instagram for pictures; and Facebook for promoting this website (hey!), keeping up with friends who don’t live nearby, and sharing major life moments. Others might put everything on Facebook, or just the occasional update on life. All uses are fine.

Pictures
Please don’t individually post each of your 134 photos from your trip to Costa Rica. Create an album; if I want, I will click on it and view the contents. Otherwise I have to scroll through 134 individual pictures. I can scroll past three or four, but 134? That’s kind of a jerk move.

Also please don’t post objectively mortifying pictures of anyone without their consent – and that includes kids (especially kids that aren’t your own – let parents sort out what’s appropriate for their own little one). The beauty of the shot of Junior crying on the toilet with jam smeared all over his face is that you can show it to his college boyfriend at some point; not to 167 people you might know, including your hairdresser.

Those may be super funny, but they’re also super personal to the kids. I’m not a parent, and I don’t think parents should never post pictures; I just wish more would consider what the kid will think knowing that all the adults in his life saw him at his most vulnerable and then laughed about it.

That said, overall, even if you might not enjoy seeing a lot of pictures of babies, or vacations, or puppies, or cats, you do have the ability to hide and scroll past. I suggest we all do that a bit more often and complain to (or about) the posters a bit less.

There’s one topic that I’ve probably complained about online more than any other, and that’s public phone usage. I see a lot of articles bemoaning how Twitter / Facebook / Snapchat / Instagram / Candy Crush keeps us from interacting with the live humans right in front of us, but I’m more interested in how folks act like jerks when using phones for their original purpose: talking.

Since I’ve moved to London I’ve been taking public transportation nearly every day. I love it so much. I love not having to own a car, or pay for taxis. I can get anywhere I need to go (including to the veterinarian, with two scared kittens in a carrier), and even though it can take awhile, I don’t mind. I can read a few chapters in a book, listen to a podcast, or just stare out the window, getting lost in my own daydreams.

Until a Phone Talker boards the bus.

Often, they board the bus mid-conversation, which I get. The bus pulls into the stop unexpectedly, and they don’t want to be rude, so they don’t hang up immediately. If it takes them 30 seconds or so to do as they get settled into their seat, that’s completely understandable.

But so often the Phone Talker seems to forget there are other people around them who might not be as invested in what they’re cooking for dinner, or whether Bob is going to close the deal. People who cannot escape these calls because they, too, need to be on this bus.

If I’m boarding at the same time as a Phone Talker, I can usually at least position myself as far from them as possible. But in other cases that’s not possible, like when folks decide to initiate a phone call mid-ride. And why not, right? There’s clearly nothing the other 40 people on the bus are more invested in than whether their fellow passenger’s sister caught Grey’s Anatomy last night, and what she thinks about April’s storyline.*

Obviously it is absurd to expect a silent bus; these aren’t the Amtrak quiet cars. People have conversations with the friends sitting next to them, or engage in a little “I Spy” with their kids. But phone conversations are harder to tune out. Plus, Phone Talkers believe they must shout to be heard on the phone. If the bus is crowded, they’ll yell even louder so they can hear themselves over the din of their fellow commuters. Some will wear headphones, but others won’t, and the worst offenders will put the other person on speaker.

I get that people have busy lives, and that often a bus ride (or a lounge at the airport) offers a chunk of time to get caught up on life. But the thing is no one else wants — or needs — to hear the details of what’s going on in your life. If you’re in a public place, and other people can’t easily get away from you, then unless there is an actual emergency (and no, your friend deciding between locations for his honeymoon is not an emergency), I would argue that you should not be talking on the phone other than to say “Hey, I’m on the bus, can I call you back in 10 minutes?”

But if that’s absolutely impossible, and this is literally the only time you have to talk to someone you absolutely must talk to, then please at least be considerate of those around you. Move to a less populated part of the bus. Use your indoor voice.

And for the sake of all that is good in the world, don’t put the phone on speaker.

*Yeah, I still watch it.