Every once in awhile I observe an interaction in a shop or restaurant that bums me out. Sometimes it will stick with me, and those ones end up on this site. For example, the other day I was in a Cafe Nero coffee shop and witnessed this exchange:

Barista: What would you like?
Customer: I’d like a latte but can you put it in this cup? *Hands over large Starbucks-branded reusable cup.*
Barista: I’m happy to make you a latte but I can’t put it in this cup if you’re staying in.
Customer: *Changes stance, adopts an attitude.* Why not? Every other Cafe Nero lets me do it.
Barista: I’m sorry but we aren’t allowed to have you drinking out of a competitor’s cup in our shop.
Customer: *Whining.* That’s ridiculous.
Barista: *Calmly, pleasantly.* If you can cover the logo that’s fine. *Other Barista picks up a Cafe Nero drink sleeve.*
Customer: Okay. But I want two stamps for my drink card.

Can we all agree to stop expecting people in the service industry to bend or break seemingly silly rules that we just don’t feel like following? And if you forget, ask, and then they refuse, can we agree to not be jerks to them or demand a different benefit instead?

In this case, Cafe Nero has a policy. I get it. I might not think it’s that big of a deal, but it’s their store and their policy. It’s not discriminatory against a marginalized group. It’s not even that strange of a policy, if you really think it through. But in this case, the Customer didn’t like it, and wanted a special exception made for him, and when the Barista provided him with a work-around, the Customer still demanded something special (an extra stamp on his loyalty card), as though the Customer had somehow been put out.

Look, I get it. Some corporate policies piss me right off. For example, a bunch of shops in the UK won’t take my US credit card, because it has requires a signature. Personally, I don’t think a store should be allowed to say it accepts Visa cards if it doesn’t accept all of them, but that’s their policy. So I just don’t shop in those places. I don’t adopt an attitude of entitlement, and I’m not rude to staff. Internally I’m annoyed, but I know it isn’t the check-out staff’s decision, and I don’t expect them to make an exception for me.

Obviously none of this applies if you are experiencing unequal treatment. If you are a person of color and get denied the same exception as the white person at the table next to you (say, using the restroom without buying something *cough* Starbucks *cough*), that’s a whole different issue.

I’m talking about not liking the return policy, or the store credit policy, or the limit on how many of the discounted bags of popcorn you can buy at a time. You may find them inconvenient, but complaining about it and being rude to the front-line staff (or even store management if it’s a chain or franchise) isn’t just a waste of everyone’s time — it’s also extremely entitled. You don’t deserve a break in the rules just because you don’t like them, and the person you’re complaining to likely doesn’t have the authority to change the rules for you, but still has to remain kind and calm while not knowing if you’re going to lose your shit at them.

One last thing — I’ve seen and heard so many people say “I don’t like X, so it doesn’t hurt to ask if they’ll let me do Y instead.” I’m going to go against the grain and say that actually yes, it sometimes does hurt to ask. If you don’t like the policy, write a letter. Make a call. Send a tweet. Vote with your dollars and pounds. But put yourself in the position of the employee who might be fielding loads of special requests every day, and who doesn’t know if you’re going to be the next person who is a jerk when they don’t get their way.

Sometimes I think I could write an entire book (or at least a thick pamphlet) about public transit etiquette. In few other situations are we a captive audience with no immediate escape, surrounded by strangers. To me, this means we need to take extra care that we’re considerate of those around us. As someone who uses public transportation on a regular basis, I’ve been collecting a list of things that people should do (or not do) to make travel less challenging. Today, I share them with you!

Entering
Let’s start at the very beginning, because apparently folks get tripped up from the word go. Different public transit system have different rules about payment, which can create some bottlenecks, as well as confusion for people using the bus or rail for the first time.

To not be that guy, figure out how you can pay before getting onto your chosen mode of transportation. If you need a transit card, purchase one ahead of time. If you need to ‘tap in’ prior to boarding, do that; otherwise have your payment method ready to go when you’re in line to board. If you’re going to pass through a gate, don’t get in line until you have your ticket out and ready to go (especially during rush hour – that sea of people is moving with or without you).

Also — and this seems to be a challenge for some folks, especially on elevators — you need to let people off the mode of transportation before you try to get on. That’s not just manners; that’s physics. A full train won’t have room for you until some people get off the carriage. And keep an eye out for the people who are stepping off only because they are letting others exit; they should be allowed to re-board before new people jump in.

Unless you have a mobility need that requires use of certain spaces on the bus or train, move all the way into the vehicle. I think we all have a little fear that we’ll somehow miss our station or stop, but I’ve seen that happen maybe once in twenty years of heavy public transit use. If you’re getting off at the next stop, try to be one of the last people to get on the bus so you don’t have to push your way out. If not, move all the way in and fill up all the available spaces. If you just decide to stop halfway back, there may be people who will miss the bus or train. That’s not cool.

Also, if you’re standing in the space for strollers and wheelchairs, and someone using a stroller or wheelchair gets on, you need to move. Seriously.

Finding a Seat
If you’re lucky (or traveling outside of commute hours), there may be seats available. If you can allow people some personal space, that’s ideal. If you need one of the spaces made available for people with mobility challenges, take it. If someone in the seat appears to not fit that same bill, it’s okay to ask that they move, but you should also recognize that not all mobility issues are visible. Related — if you just took that seat because it was the only one open, and someone who needs it gets on, you should vacate it without being asked.

If there are double seats empty, you should choose those instead of sitting next to another person. If it’s a long bench (like on the tube) and there are options that allow you to have an empty seat on one or both side of you, choose that first.

And unless there are multiple empty seats, don’t set your bags on the empty seat next to you. Did you purchase a second fair for your bags? No? Then that seat is not yours. Also, don’t put your feet on the seats. That’s just nasty.

Finally, a word for guys (sorry, not interested in your protestations, this is 99.9999% of the time a guy thing): close your legs. I do not need your thigh taking up 1/3 of my seat just because you feel the need to air out your junk. Keep to your space, and keep out of mine.

Food and Drink
Everyone gets hungry and we don’t all have time to sit down for a meal, but try not to bring especially pungent foods on board. People are stuck in this carriage or bus and can’t get away from your fried fish fillet. In some cases, it might even cause someone to vomit on you.

That would suck.

If you need to bring something to drink with you, please make sure it has a lid on it, and that you can drink out of it without creating a spill risk. No one wants your hot coffee on their shirt.

Illness
I cringe when the person who sits or stands next to me on the bus starts sniffing, but I get angry when they cough or sneeze on me. I completely understand that people with colds (and other illnesses) might need to take the bus or the train. That’s life. But what I don’t get is the same people not wearing a mask. Half the time it seems folks are just sneezing and coughing out into the open; the other half they cough into their hand and then grab onto the shared posts that people use to keep their balance.

Gross.

If you have to travel when you’re sick, please just wear a mask.

Phone Use
I’ll cover that in another essay.

Alright. Hopefully if you’ve been doing some of these things without realizing it, you’ll stop. Or, if you’re interested in being the worst possible version of yourself, perhaps you’ll find inspiration here. Either way:

There’s an issue that’s been swirling around my head (literally and figuratively) since moving back to London. And I’m willing to bet that it’s not just an issue for me, but for many of the other 84% of folks living in the UK who don’t smoke either.

I’m talking about smoking in public.

First, I want to make it clear that this isn’t a post about someone’s choice to start or continue smoking. Sure, it’s not the healthiest thing a person can do, but you don’t owe me — or anyone else — a life of healthy choices. I mean, I’m literally drinking liquid sugar (a.k.a hot chocolate) as I type this, so I can’t exactly judge.

Second, this isn’t an attempt to get smokers to stop smoking. I have friends who smoke. They know the statistics and the risks. Sure, I’d love it if no one smoked anymore, but it’s not my call.

If you’re a smoker who doesn’t care about being a jerk when you smoke, then this post isn’t for you! But for those who smoke and do care, this is for you.

Walking while smoking
You’re late for an appointment. You just got off the bus (where you obviously can’t light up), and you only have ten minutes until your next appointment. It also, coincidentally, takes ten minutes to walk there. Perfect time to grab a quick cigarette, right?

Please don’t. Or at least, please think about your surroundings before doing so. If it’s a busy street, or a busy time of day, you’re exposing a whole bunch of people to chemicals that they didn’t ask to be exposed to. And the nature of walking means that anyone going in your direction will either have to jog past you if they’re able, or be stuck with your smoke in their face until their path diverges from yours, and anyone walking towards you will end up walking directly through your smoke cloud. That’s kind of a jerk move.

Also, as an aside, people who walk while smoking will often (out of necessity, I assume) flick some ash along the way. I’ve been on the receiving end of such ash more than once, including a hot bit that flew directly into my eye. That shit HURT. And yes, it’s possible that I will be injured by other items while out in public — say, by an oblivious person walking directly into me — but the existence of other boorish actions doesn’t excuse all of them.

Smoking in parks and at the beach
It’s a beautiful day in London. The grass is finally dry, there’s not a cloud in sight, and it’s the weekend! Time to lay out the blanket and breathe in some clean air.

Until someone lights up a cigarette 15 feet away. Then the lovely day turns into an obstacle course wherein non-smokers attempt to dodge any group that includes smokers. Of course, people who smoke don’t smoke all the time, so it’s nearly impossible to pick a spot that guarantees freedom from something that causes me to cough like I myself have been smoking three packs a day for 20 years.

In the UK a couple of years ago they explored banning smoking anywhere that children play. I mean, cool, but it’s not just children who should have access to cleaner air. It’s great to start with kids, but eventually I’d love it if we cared about the air that everyone inhales.

And before you point out that there will be other smells (and sounds) that are unpleasant and might put a damper on a day at the park or beach, I know. But I’m talking about smoking right now, not whether forcing other people to listen to your choice of music at full volume is acceptable (it’s not).

Smoking right at the door
In the US, smoking laws vary, but in places where there are smoking bans, there are often rules about the distance one must be from an entrance before lighting up. That doesn’t appear to be the case in the UK, which seems a bit ridiculous. Having to pass through a cloud of smoke every time one leaves or enters a business is not cool, so smokers, I’d ask that you move well away from all building entrances before lighting up.

Smoking at the bus stop
You’ve got what is essentially a captive audience here, so unless there’s a way to position yourself so your smoke blows away from everyone at the stop, please reconsider lighting up.

A word on vaping
Congratulations to those who have shifted from cigarettes to vaping! Unfortunately, many people who vape seem to think that the stuff they are exhaling is harmless, but it’s not. It’s quite nasty, and seems to create a much larger cloud than traditional smoking. Sure, it doesn’t smell the same as cigarettes, but I still have no interest in walking through a cloud of peppermint-tinged nicotine and propylene glycol. So please follow the same considerations suggested above, even though you aren’t smoking cigarettes anymore.

So … where should people smoke?
Banning smoking in the workplace and all enclosed public spaces was a great move from a public health perspective. I’ve also at times hoped for a ban of smoking in all public spaces, but one unfortunate consequence of banning smoking in public outright is that it can be engineered as a way to harass unhoused people, which is definitely not cool. Smokers also often have lower incomes, so anti-smoking laws and regulations (in places like public housing for example) may disproportionately impact already marginalized populations. I’m not interested in that, either, so instead I’m just going to hope that smokers simply look around and consider the affect they have on the people around them.

There’s one topic that I’ve probably complained about online more than any other, and that’s public phone usage. I see a lot of articles bemoaning how Twitter / Facebook / Snapchat / Instagram / Candy Crush keeps us from interacting with the live humans right in front of us, but I’m more interested in how folks act like jerks when using phones for their original purpose: talking.

Since I’ve moved to London I’ve been taking public transportation nearly every day. I love it so much. I love not having to own a car, or pay for taxis. I can get anywhere I need to go (including to the veterinarian, with two scared kittens in a carrier), and even though it can take awhile, I don’t mind. I can read a few chapters in a book, listen to a podcast, or just stare out the window, getting lost in my own daydreams.

Until a Phone Talker boards the bus.

Often, they board the bus mid-conversation, which I get. The bus pulls into the stop unexpectedly, and they don’t want to be rude, so they don’t hang up immediately. If it takes them 30 seconds or so to do as they get settled into their seat, that’s completely understandable.

But so often the Phone Talker seems to forget there are other people around them who might not be as invested in what they’re cooking for dinner, or whether Bob is going to close the deal. People who cannot escape these calls because they, too, need to be on this bus.

If I’m boarding at the same time as a Phone Talker, I can usually at least position myself as far from them as possible. But in other cases that’s not possible, like when folks decide to initiate a phone call mid-ride. And why not, right? There’s clearly nothing the other 40 people on the bus are more invested in than whether their fellow passenger’s sister caught Grey’s Anatomy last night, and what she thinks about April’s storyline.*

Obviously it is absurd to expect a silent bus; these aren’t the Amtrak quiet cars. People have conversations with the friends sitting next to them, or engage in a little “I Spy” with their kids. But phone conversations are harder to tune out. Plus, Phone Talkers believe they must shout to be heard on the phone. If the bus is crowded, they’ll yell even louder so they can hear themselves over the din of their fellow commuters. Some will wear headphones, but others won’t, and the worst offenders will put the other person on speaker.

I get that people have busy lives, and that often a bus ride (or a lounge at the airport) offers a chunk of time to get caught up on life. But the thing is no one else wants — or needs — to hear the details of what’s going on in your life. If you’re in a public place, and other people can’t easily get away from you, then unless there is an actual emergency (and no, your friend deciding between locations for his honeymoon is not an emergency), I would argue that you should not be talking on the phone other than to say “Hey, I’m on the bus, can I call you back in 10 minutes?”

But if that’s absolutely impossible, and this is literally the only time you have to talk to someone you absolutely must talk to, then please at least be considerate of those around you. Move to a less populated part of the bus. Use your indoor voice.

And for the sake of all that is good in the world, don’t put the phone on speaker.

*Yeah, I still watch it.

Yesterday I had a bit of an odd experience. It only lasted a few minutes (and the part that made it questionable lasted maybe five seconds), but it’s stuck with me enough that I thought it’d be a good topic for discussion. And that topic is:

Dudes, if you are not friends with a woman, do not approach her when she is alone. Like, ever.

I’ve written about street harassment in the past, but that isn’t what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about well-meaning, innocuous (from your perspective, anyway), interactions with a woman who is not a friend of yours.

I purposefully chose to say “if you are not friends with a woman” because I want to make clear that you shouldn’t be approaching a woman you may have been in a meeting with, or one you met once ten years ago at a cocktail party. If the woman isn’t going to look at you and immediately know your name and where she knows you from, do not go up to her when she is alone.

Why? Because it’s fucking terrifying. As with street harassment, a situation where a strange man is approaching me gives me pause. Even if it’s in broad daylight, even if there are people around, I don’t know what you’re about to say to me. Are you going to try to hit on me? Grope me? Spit on me?

I appreciate that this tips sucks for those well-intentioned men who just want to know the time, or where the nearest store is whose bag I happen to be carrying. But if you happen to care about women at all, it’s worth recognizing that by simply approaching women in public, you are causing their stress to go up.

You might be lost and just trying to find the bus stop you got off at earlier in the day, but I don’t know that, at least not right away. When you walk close enough to me to talk, my pulse is going to quicken, my breath is going to get shorter, and I’m going to have to be at attention for at least a few seconds until I can be fairly certain you aren’t interested in dragging me somewhere and assaulting me.

I most recently experienced this yesterday. I was in my car in a parking lot in the afternoon, having just finished up a meeting. There were cars around but not other people. I’d just gotten back into the car (doors locked, because of course) when I saw a man approach the passenger side of the car. He was dressed in casual clothing but was holding a laptop that had a name and the same kind of tracking stickers we use at my work, so I ultimately decided to roll the window down slightly. I went from full alert to 90% alert and asked how I could help him.

It turns out he knew what organization I worked with and wanted to talk about a potential project we could collaborate on. Cool. Legitimate business contact. But the thing is, I didn’t know that in the beginning. At the end of the conversation he sort of apologized for how he approached me and said that I “looked skeptical, which is good. Good to be aware of your surroundings.”

Um, thank you? If you knew I was going to be “skeptical” (i.e., temporarily freaked out), then why did you take that approach? Why not ask a mutual colleague for my work email to reach out for professional reasons, instead of putting me in an uncomfortable position in an empty parking lot?

Because that isn’t his lived experience. He can go through the day and not assume that a woman who walks up to him is about to grab his junk or suggest that he’s a ‘bitch’ for not smiling at her.

So here’s the deal: if I am not in life-threatening danger, and you’re not in life-threatening danger, please don’t put me through the stress of having to figure out if you’re about to harass me because you need to know the time. Just start wearing a watch.

Folks, I have a confession to make. As I’ve gotten more into this one sports team I love (#LetItReign), I’ve started walking (and sometimes crossing) a fine line between ardent fan and obnoxious spectator. And so, for myself as much as for you, below please find some tips for being a good fan at a sporting event.*

Pre-Game

1. When they announce the line-up for the visiting team, politely clap. You don’t have to cheer, but unless a member of the opposing team committed some act of violence, it’s reasonable to acknowledge their presence.

2. I am firmly on team ‘why are they playing the national anthem’ before non-national team matches, but in the U.S. at least, that’s still the super weird norm. I stand mostly because I’m not interested in getting into it with folks around me, but you do you. Additionally, there’s absolutely no need to sing along or put your hand on your heart.

Kick (or tip) Off

1. If you’re physically able, join in the home team tradition. Maybe it’s standing and cheering. Maybe it’s waving a scarf. Maybe it’s standing until the first basket. But don’t be the guy who insists on sitting it out. You came for the match; be here.

During The Game

1. Don’t yell at the ref. This is where I’ve started to get obnoxious. It’s so tempting to make snarky (and at times weirdly ableist – I’m looking at you, people making jokes about blindness) comments. And you can, quietly, to your seatmate. But even if it gets a chuckle from your friends and a few people around you, screaming something specific after a bad call is a waste of breath.

You can, however, join the crowd in booing bad calls. That’s just good feedback.

2. Take pictures and tweet or update your Facebook status, but also: Watch. The damn. Game. Again, you’re there, enjoy it.

3. Time your trips to the toilet or snack bar with a break in play. We all know that stadiums and arenas are not designed to allow people easy ingress or egress. (They also seem designed for very short, very thin people, but that’s an essay for another day.) So every time you get up, four to ten people may have to get up too. And they might miss the one goal of the match.

4. Don’t yell at the players. You can cheer them on, but don’t scream (or, obviously shout slurs) at people on the other team either. Just shout “Yay!” or “Oh” like a decent person.

5. If someone — on either team — is injured, you clap when they leave the field. That’s just common decency. Non negotiable.

6. When someone subs in or out (this is for soccer specifically), clap politely (for the opposite team) or cheer wildly (for your team) as the player exits the match.

After the Game

1. Be patient. As I said above, these places are designed to keep you in your seat, not let you out. It may take some time.

2. Commiserate — or celebrate — with fellow fans. But always remember: it’s just a game for you. It’s not your livelihood, so don’t let the outcome color your evening (or whole weekend). Remember how lucky you are to get to see your team play in the first place, and go about your life.

*This is specific to when you are supporting the home team. A later post will cover when you’re a traveling supporter.

I’m currently at a conference for the work I do that actually pays the bills. This one happens to have over 1,700 attendees from all over the country. I’ve attended a half dozen of these over the years, and here are some ways I’ve learned to not be a jerk at these things.

Arrival
Be patient. Yes, hotels often specialize in conventions, but things happen when hundreds of people all arrive around the same time. There may be lines. There may be an error with your registration. Your hotel room may be missing, say, a chair. You are probably tired from your trip in, and that is totally understandable. And you don’t have to put up with things that are unacceptable (if you need to refrigerate medication, they need to provide a fridge), but just take a deep breath, pull out your book, and try to relax. It’s going to be a long few days, so conserve your energy.

Meeting New People
Folks, I am not good at or generally interested in “networking.” In fact, I hate that term because I think it sounds a bit creepy, although I suppose it is straightforward: meeting someone with the hope of using them at some other point, and not because you’re genuinely interested in getting to know them.

I think that also sums up why I hate doing it: it takes a lot of energy to socialize, and I’d rather do it with people I’m hoping to really get to know better. You know, friends.

That said, I have met some really nice people at conferences, and I’ve found it’s gotten a little easier over the years. I’ve learned that it’s not that hard to just introduce myself and then ask a couple of questions about what they do at their home agency or what the typical issues are they have to deal with. If the conversation is flowing naturally, then I’ll stick around for a bit; if not, I just say “it was great to meet you; I know there are a lot of folks here so I won’t keep you. Enjoy the rest of the conference!”

Picking Sessions to Attend
I know a lot of people who pick a primary and a back-up, because let’s be honest: they aren’t all going to be amazing. Sometimes the abstracts don’t really match what the discussion will be, or the speaker is challenging to listen to (i.e., you can’t keep your eyes open). If you do have a back-up or just know that you might need to leave, it is imperative that you sit near the back so you can make your exit with as little disruption as possible.

If you don’t need to leave? Please sit as close to the front as you can. As someone who has presented at a few of these, it’s obnoxious to come into a room with everyone clustered at the very back. Especially when I have slides and I can tell people are straining to see. This isn’t high school; the ‘cool kids’ can still sit in the front.

In smaller sessions, don’t be looking at your phone the whole time. Checking every once in awhile is fine, but if you’re so bored that you just want to scroll through Instagram the whole 90 minutes, it’s less of a jerk move to just leave. Again, as a presenter, it’s pretty discouraging if I look out and see some people who seem to never look up.

Finally, double – and triple – check that you are where you are supposed to be. If you’re in a hotel with multiple conferences going on, check that the food set out as snacks is for your group and not another. And if you’ve been asked to cover a meeting for a colleague, make sure you’re in the right one. These are of course totally hypothetical situations, and definitely did NOT happen to me just this week.

Asking Questions
Oh sweet lord I hate this one with the fire of a thousand suns burning inside of a volcano. I often try to leave larger sessions early if I can so I don’t have to listen to all kinds of absurd shit. Some tips:

1. Jot your question down ahead of time. Doesn’t matter if it’s on your phone’s memo app or your Starbucks cup; just please don’t wing it. There’s usually a limited amount of time, and other people would also like to ask a question.

2. Say quickly who you are and where you’re from and maybe a line that provides some context. For example: “Hi I’m Leslie Knope with the Parks and Rec Department in Pawnee, Indiana. We only have four staff members, so I was wondering if you had thoughts on how to prioritize the ten projects you propose every Parks Department take on?”

In this case, you’ve got your name, job (title usually doesn’t matter, so leave it out unless it’s critical to your question), and location. You’ve shared the uniqueness that you need addressed (not a lot of staff), which provides context for why you want to know which of the ten things the speaker presented on are most important.

3. Unless the speaker engages you and elicits a response, don’t consider it a back-and-forth. If you need clarification, ask them when the session is over. If you find yourself having trouble with this one, consider either handing back the microphone to the moderator or stepping away from the microphone stand to remove the temptation.

4. Don’t ask a second question until there is a lull and no one else is asking their first.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, use this as an opportunity to share a five-minute-long story about your awesome project, or your political views, and then wrap it up with “don’t you agree?” Literally no one cares in that moment. So just stop.*

6. If you think something critical was left out of the discussion, ask about it, but be thoughtful with how you phrase it. If it’s something factual that can be checked (“I’m wondering why you didn’t apply Rule 742 in this case, when it seems to require it”), be 100% sure that it is relevant; it’s pretty embarrassing when people ask such pointed questions (usually in an accusatory fashion) and then turn out to be super wrong.

If it’s more of an opinion or something that requires discussion, consider approaching the speaker after the session.

7. Acknowledge the response with a smile and nod or a mouthed “thank you” when the speaker is done.

Final Thoughts
There are I’m sure a million other things I could talk about, but this is a start. Oh, one more thing. Yes, it is a work event, but don’t forget to have fun and learn something. People have cool, interesting things to share.

*If you really need to share the story, start a blog. Someone will probably read it.