Yesterday I had a bit of an odd experience. It only lasted a few minutes (and the part that made it questionable lasted maybe five seconds), but it’s stuck with me enough that I thought it’d be a good topic for discussion. And that topic is:

Dudes, if you are not friends with a woman, do not approach her when she is alone. Like, ever.

I’ve written about street harassment in the past, but that isn’t what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about well-meaning, innocuous (from your perspective, anyway), interactions with a woman who is not a friend of yours.

I purposefully chose to say “if you are not friends with a woman” because I want to make clear that you shouldn’t be approaching a woman you may have been in a meeting with, or one you met once ten years ago at a cocktail party. If the woman isn’t going to look at you and immediately know your name and where she knows you from, do not go up to her when she is alone.

Why? Because it’s fucking terrifying. As with street harassment, a situation where a strange man is approaching me gives me pause. Even if it’s in broad daylight, even if there are people around, I don’t know what you’re about to say to me. Are you going to try to hit on me? Grope me? Spit on me?

I appreciate that this tips sucks for those well-intentioned men who just want to know the time, or where the nearest store is whose bag I happen to be carrying. But if you happen to care about women at all, it’s worth recognizing that by simply approaching women in public, you are causing their stress to go up.

You might be lost and just trying to find the bus stop you got off at earlier in the day, but I don’t know that, at least not right away. When you walk close enough to me to talk, my pulse is going to quicken, my breath is going to get shorter, and I’m going to have to be at attention for at least a few seconds until I can be fairly certain you aren’t interested in dragging me somewhere and assaulting me.

I most recently experienced this yesterday. I was in my car in a parking lot in the afternoon, having just finished up a meeting. There were cars around but not other people. I’d just gotten back into the car (doors locked, because of course) when I saw a man approach the passenger side of the car. He was dressed in casual clothing but was holding a laptop that had a name and the same kind of tracking stickers we use at my work, so I ultimately decided to roll the window down slightly. I went from full alert to 90% alert and asked how I could help him.

It turns out he knew what organization I worked with and wanted to talk about a potential project we could collaborate on. Cool. Legitimate business contact. But the thing is, I didn’t know that in the beginning. At the end of the conversation he sort of apologized for how he approached me and said that I “looked skeptical, which is good. Good to be aware of your surroundings.”

Um, thank you? If you knew I was going to be “skeptical” (i.e., temporarily freaked out), then why did you take that approach? Why not ask a mutual colleague for my work email to reach out for professional reasons, instead of putting me in an uncomfortable position in an empty parking lot?

Because that isn’t his lived experience. He can go through the day and not assume that a woman who walks up to him is about to grab his junk or suggest that he’s a ‘bitch’ for not smiling at her.

So here’s the deal: if I am not in life-threatening danger, and you’re not in life-threatening danger, please don’t put me through the stress of having to figure out if you’re about to harass me because you need to know the time. Just start wearing a watch.

I don’t use LinkedIn all that much. I haven’t aggressively looked for a new job in a few years, and I’m not totally clear on what purpose it serves beyond that (don’t email me). I do have a profile on there — with an updated picture now, because that head shot from 12 years ago just seems dishonest at this point — and apparently over 300 connections (I didn’t think I knew that many people). I’m familiar with endorsements, but didn’t realize that one could do written recommendations, too. Interesting.

I think recommendations are much trickier than LinkedIn endorsements. Endorsements can be narrowly focused, and one can endorse a person in one area without saying they’d be a great fit for a specific job or even field, depending on the endorsement area. Recommendations in this context, however, require a broader understanding of the person as a whole. Moreover, they are not just an endorsement of the person you’re recommending; they can also impact your own reputation.

How? Well, when I recommend someone for a job, I’m telling the hiring manager that I believe, based on what I know of the job and the person, that they would be a good fit and do good work. If it turns out I’m way off — and in a way that I should have recognized — that could damage my reputation and my ability to make recommendations for other qualified people in the future.

Sure, there are things you just can’t know about a person, but that doesn’t seem to be the issue you here, as you said that they are not great at their job. I’m not clear if you’re saying they weren’t great at their job when you worked together, or if you have insider knowledge about their current position, though, which I think could make a difference. But regardless, if you are concerned about burning a bridge or ending up in a situation where you have to share criticism that you don’t want to share, then I’d offer to endorse them in areas that you can confidentially endorse them in. Perhaps they are easy to get along with, or good on a team, or have subject matter expertise in a certain area. Then leave it at that.

If they push for more, I suggest declining gently. For example (and only use these if they’re true), you could say you only recommend people you worked with for a certain amount of time, or people you still work with, or people you’ve worked closely with, or something like that. Basically, you can find a parameter that is both true and that you can continue to uphold.

Because it would be a jerk move to say you don’t ever write recommendations, and then the next day write one for someone else. It’s fine to not want to write one for your coworker, but you shouldn’t lie to them about the reason why. You can also simply share that you aren’t as knowledgeable about their skills now that they aren’t your coworker anymore, and that you don’t think a recommendation you would write would necessarily be helpful.

Ideally they’ll take that and seek out a different colleague for a recommendation, but if they trust you or have been finding their request for a recommendation unanswered often, they might ask for something more from you. In that instance, it’s up to you how invested you are in helping them navigate improving their work habits.

A job loss — even if you get some compensation, and even if you didn’t particularly love the job — is still a loss, and requires some grieving time if possible. And if you loved the job, that’s even worse.

Thankfully you and your partner are lucky enough to be in a position where you aren’t overly concerned, but I want to acknowledge this isn’t the case for many people who are let go. In fact, half of U.S. families live paycheck to paycheck, so the unwarranted advice may be even more stressful for them, as they are quite aware of their precarious state. Constantly being asked ‘did you find a job yet’ doesn’t help.

That said, I’m willing to bet that your friends and family do have genuinely good intentions. They care about you and want you to be alright. Of course, considering you’re still likely under some stress (even if your finances are all in order), it’s a bit unfair of them to project their concerns onto you and essentially force you to do the emotional labor of making sure they know you’re okay, even as you’ve repeatedly tried to do so.

My response below is split, as I think that your approach to friends and to family might need to vary some.

Friends
If they live near you and/or work in the same field as you, friends may be your best connection to a new position. The number varies (as does the quality of the survey methodology), but some suggest that between 70% and 85% of jobs are filled via networking connections. So while it may be annoying at times — especially if you’ve just been let go and are still processing what it means — if your friends are offering connections in addition to their concern, it might be good to at least hear them out.

Of course, if you’re not interested in their assistance, or if they position they want to connect you with is not what you’re looking for, it’s fine to say something along the lines of “Thank you! That doesn’t sound like a good fit, but I really appreciate you thinking of me.” If they keep sharing jobs opportunities that aren’t great, just keep responding in a similar manner. At some point they’ll stop offering.

If they aren’t offering any positions but offer up advice unsolicited, it’s fine to say “thank you” and then shift the conversation. One idea is to say “Thank you. I’m working on it. How’s your job? Weren’t you starting a big project?” People like to talk about themselves, so hopefully this will give you a break. However, I only suggest using this with friends you aren’t close with, because you don’t need to get into it with them.

If these are your very close friends, I think it’s a good idea to share your feelings. Something like “I appreciate you asking – it’s a weird / hard / interesting time right now, but I spend all day looking for work and applying to jobs, so when we hang out I’d love it if, at least for now, we could not talk about it.”

This should go for any topic, like a break-up, or fertility issues, or family troubles. Sure, you might be interested in a quality venting session, and it’s a bit silly to think that your friends won’t be interested in helping out when you’re going through a major life event. But they should also recognize that you might just be looking for an evening out with the girls where you just talk about how amazing Wonder Woman was.

These close friends will still likely ask you how its going when you see them, but hopefully will now understand that you’re usually looking for a break from talking about it, and they shouldn’t take offense to that.

Family
This can be a bit harder, because usually family knows just how to get on our nerves. I don’t know what it is, but the same exact question asked by a close relative might elicit a totally different response than if a friend asked me. Plus, family (well, close family) likely feel some sense of responsibility for your well-being. Especially they type of parents who have been actively involved in your life thus far.

If you see your family regularly and they live near by, they might offer up advice similar to what your friends offer, although their leads might be wildly inappropriate. Thanking them for their offer but telling them that you’re working on other leads at the moment should be sufficient.

Questions from family might be more likely to be invasive as well. Parents might want details about your finances, or try to suggest that you’re stressing out your partner. They may have decades of experience in cutting right to what will bother you the most. In those instances especially it can be very hard to keep cool.

However, as you probably don’t want to add ‘fight with mother’ to your list of stressors just now, I suggest repetition and reassurance.

Repetition: Whenever they ask how things are going, say “I’m working on some leads, thanks for asking, but I’m a bit tired of thinking about it just now. How are you?” If they won’t let it go, try “I spend so much time applying for and interviewing for jobs these days, it’s great to have a break to catch up with you.” If they pull the “I’m just concerned” manipulation in an attempt for more details, I suggest “I appreciate that, but there is not cause for you to be concerned right now.”

Reassurance: Whenever possible, remind them that you will let them know if there is any news, and that you know they care, so they don’t need to ask about it repeatedly. Something like “If I have an offer, or if my circumstances change, I will definitely let you know.” And then do that. Share when you get a job. If you’ve talked about an interview that’s coming up, let them know the outcome. Then you’re providing information you want to share, and keeping them informed on your terms.

Last Thoughts

Recognize that while your friends and family are (hopefully) coming from a good place, not everyone has a good relationship with money and so can’t imagine having any time without work. This could be because of luck (good or bad), or perhaps they didn’t handle finances well and are concerned you’ll be in the same position. This push to get you to find a new job right this second may not be about you, but about how they think they’d feel if they were in your position. And that’s not something you can change, so try not let it get to you.

Folks, I have a confession to make. As I’ve gotten more into this one sports team I love (#LetItReign), I’ve started walking (and sometimes crossing) a fine line between ardent fan and obnoxious spectator. And so, for myself as much as for you, below please find some tips for being a good fan at a sporting event.*

Pre-Game

1. When they announce the line-up for the visiting team, politely clap. You don’t have to cheer, but unless a member of the opposing team committed some act of violence, it’s reasonable to acknowledge their presence.

2. I am firmly on team ‘why are they playing the national anthem’ before non-national team matches, but in the U.S. at least, that’s still the super weird norm. I stand mostly because I’m not interested in getting into it with folks around me, but you do you. Additionally, there’s absolutely no need to sing along or put your hand on your heart.

Kick (or tip) Off

1. If you’re physically able, join in the home team tradition. Maybe it’s standing and cheering. Maybe it’s waving a scarf. Maybe it’s standing until the first basket. But don’t be the guy who insists on sitting it out. You came for the match; be here.

During The Game

1. Don’t yell at the ref. This is where I’ve started to get obnoxious. It’s so tempting to make snarky (and at times weirdly ableist – I’m looking at you, people making jokes about blindness) comments. And you can, quietly, to your seatmate. But even if it gets a chuckle from your friends and a few people around you, screaming something specific after a bad call is a waste of breath.

You can, however, join the crowd in booing bad calls. That’s just good feedback.

2. Take pictures and tweet or update your Facebook status, but also: Watch. The damn. Game. Again, you’re there, enjoy it.

3. Time your trips to the toilet or snack bar with a break in play. We all know that stadiums and arenas are not designed to allow people easy ingress or egress. (They also seem designed for very short, very thin people, but that’s an essay for another day.) So every time you get up, four to ten people may have to get up too. And they might miss the one goal of the match.

4. Don’t yell at the players. You can cheer them on, but don’t scream (or, obviously shout slurs) at people on the other team either. Just shout “Yay!” or “Oh” like a decent person.

5. If someone — on either team — is injured, you clap when they leave the field. That’s just common decency. Non negotiable.

6. When someone subs in or out (this is for soccer specifically), clap politely (for the opposite team) or cheer wildly (for your team) as the player exits the match.

After the Game

1. Be patient. As I said above, these places are designed to keep you in your seat, not let you out. It may take some time.

2. Commiserate — or celebrate — with fellow fans. But always remember: it’s just a game for you. It’s not your livelihood, so don’t let the outcome color your evening (or whole weekend). Remember how lucky you are to get to see your team play in the first place, and go about your life.

*This is specific to when you are supporting the home team. A later post will cover when you’re a traveling supporter.

I can be the jerk who corrects people without thinking, so I’ve started going through a few questions in my head before I say something:

– Do we all know what they mean even if what they said is technically incorrect?
– Is someone (other than them) immediately harmed by their mistake?
– Is this mistake likely to cause them embarrassment in other situations?

Do we all know what they mean?
Sometimes people use the wrong word, or refer to the wrong thing, but we all get what they’re saying. I may a bit sensitive to this because I once dated a guy (long ago) who would correct everything even if he knew what I meant. If I pointed at the salt and said ‘can you pass the sugar’ he’d correct me – “You mean the salt?” Like yes, dude, I mean the salt. Also, your cooking sucks.

Maybe someone is telling a story and they say the wrong city but it’s not relevant to their main point. Is it really necessary for you to jump in and say “We were in Columbus, not Cleveland” when that fact has nothing to do with the story? The only thing such a correction does is stop the rhythm of the story, embarrass the speaker, and make you look like a jerk.

Is someone harmed?
I’m not talking about someone saying something intentionally harmful — hopefully we all know to step in there. But if someone is sharing a story about a situation that ends up painting someone else in a bad light, and the information they are sharing is wrong, it makes sense to gently step in. The key here is gently.

Steve: “So I ask the supervisor for an update, and she has Lisa send me the numbers, and they’re all wrong!”
You: “Ugh, those numbers SUCKED but I was on that email, and it wasn’t Lisa who sent the numbers. It was Bob.”
Steve: “Right, whatever. Bob.”

I mean, that’s gossip and so probably not the best thing to be sharing anyway, but Lisa shouldn’t be unfairly maligned because Steve forgot the facts.

This also works with generic information. If someone is saying something that is factually inaccurate (as opposed to simply a matter of opinion) that paints an entire group with a broad brush, it’s also okay to step up and correct them.

Steve: “Well, can you blame them? I mean, like 80% of Planned Parenthood’s money comes from abortions.”
You: “I know so many numbers get thrown around, but the real number is only 3%. Surprising, but true.”
Steve: “No way.”

In that instance, even if you have the facts right, you might be stepping into a deeper political debate, where the person you’re talking to refuses to believe the facts if they don’t conform to their world view. You aren’t being an ass if you share accurate information, but make sure your delivery isn’t full of smirky “well actually”s. No one likes that, even if it is totally satisfying to say to someone who you both disagree with on politics AND who is totally wrong on the facts.

Will this embarrass them?
Some people are really good at asking for clarification when they don’t know something. But in my opinion, that number is way too low. Folks like to look smart, and so may at times pretend to be following a conversation topic or know what a word means when they really don’t, and then maybe go on to use that information incorrectly later on. I think in these moments it’s fine to pull them aside and gently correct them so they don’t make the same mistake in the future.

The best example I have for this is mispronunciation of words. Some folks have not heard a certain word spoken out loud before; they’ve only read it. Then they say the word based on what they think it sounds like, and they are wrong. So very wrong. Among friends, whatever, we know what they mean (see my first point, above). But they might find themselves using that word in a business meeting or job interview with someone who is less than generous.

Same goes for other trivia, especially if its something that should be considered general knowledge. Do they think the Civil War ended in 1945? Are they not entirely sure who was president after Reagan? Do they think that reindeer only exist in Christmas songs (and not, say, in Canada)? It’s fine to correct them to avoid making mistakes in the future.

Of course, the best way to not be a jerk when talking about weight at work is to NOT TALK ABOUT WEIGHT AT WORK WHEN PEOPLE ARE AROUND THAT YOU ARE NOT EXPLICITLY SURE ARE COOL WITH THAT KIND OF TALK. So that should be the entirety of this post. But until we get there, here are some tips for what you can do to deal with other people being (likely unintentional) jerks.

Eating disorders are no joke, and I get the sense that people really don’t think it through when they talk about their weight in front of people they are friendly with. I know in the past I’ve been guilty of going on at length about what I’m eating (or, more accurately, not eating) based on some latest food fad (I tried the Whole30. It was wholly a waste of time). I’m sure I can trace it back to something from my youth, or just simply being a woman existing with a body in the world, as most of us probably can. And while those times talking about my weight (which I’m trying so hard to put in the past) were usually with friends, I’m sure I’ve had that conversation at least one or twice over the years.

I’m lucky in that my work team is small and we’re all, if not friends, then definitely friendly enough that we feel we can be honest with each other. So when this topic — or any one that I don’t feel comfortable discussing — comes up, I feel safe enough to say “I’m trying hard to not focus on [blank] right now. Mind if we talk about something else?”

In my broader company, however, that’s not the case. In fact, each year we have to complete two tasks ostensibly related to our health to keep our co-pays low. One task involves completing a health questionnaire that includes questions about weight, blood pressure, and food and exercise choices. So that’s weird. Then the other involves participating in some activity, whether its logging workouts (or steps) or, in a weird twist, joining Weight Watchers. Which holds meetings somewhere in my office building.

There’s this weird idea out there — even in our offices — that my weight is your business. I think that’s bullshit. Of course, I’ve seen people argue that because companies are providing the insurance, they get to set the parameters. And in my case, they’d argue that I don’t have to complete the tasks; I just end up paying more if I don’t. Fuck that. See, this is why we need to get our workplaces out of our health insurance completely and move to single payer universal health care damn it.

Sorry, got distracted. Let’s get back to your situation, which is how to address the small talk that veers into uncomfortable.

If possible, try to identify a colleague that you feel close to and get him or her to go along with whatever action you decide to take. It’s often easier to go into difficult conversations knowing that someone will definitely be on your side and back you up. But I know not everyone has that work colleague who they can count on for that, so let’s look at some options.

Yes, casual work conversations will continue to take place, and sometimes you won’t care about the topic. My thought is that you can, whenever weight loss topic is going on around you (and you can’t leave the situation), just politely ask folks to move their chat because you’re busy working on something. You don’t have to call out why you want them to move; you’re at work, you have work to do, they are interfering with it.

If they aren’t complete jerks, they should apologize and take their conversation somewhere else. At some point one of them might pick up on the fact that you only ask them to move along when they are talking about weight and diet, but chances are they won’t. This may also have the unintended side effect of folks never gathering to chat near your workspace because, depending on how often weight is the topic of the day, you may end up asking folks to move along a lot.

If you find the conversations happening at a time and place you can’t escape — a company retreat, in the lunchroom while heating up your leftovers — do your best to ignore it and not encourage it. I know that isn’t great, but it’s not like they’re talking about porn (assuming you don’t work for a sex toy company) or making racial slurs. While I definitely choose not to partake, and I think that there can be harmful ways to do it, it’s still okay for your colleagues to talk about weight and its perceived connection to health. The key is that its just not okay to force others to talk about it with them.

When they direct comments at you — “oh, did you lose weight, you look great!” — you don’t have to say thank you, because you don’t see this as something worth complimenting. Instead, try to change the topic. “I don’t discuss my weight” isn’t likely to go over well, but you can divert the compliment into something else, like “I got a great night of sleep last night. Say, did you finish the TPS report?” If they keep pushing, you can say something like “oh, I’m not interested in my weight.” Then give them a stern smile and head back to your desk (or the restroom, which will usually keep people from following you).

When it does happen, I also want to encourage you to do whatever it is that will help you get the interaction out of your head. Maybe keep a small notebook in your bag, and when someone says something related to weight, write out your feelings so you don’t have to keep mulling them around for the rest of the day. I’ve tried that with some other things (mostly work-related) and found it really helped.

I did want to say that I’m concerned about company sponsored weight loss or other diet-related events. I think that, without revealing your recovery status, you can approach HR (or whomever) about creating a distribution list for people who might be interested in that sort of thing. For example you could say:

“Hey, I had an idea I wanted to run past you. What do you think about creating like two or three opt-in distribution lists for things that aren’t work-related but that people might want to know about. Like, you could have a health and fitness one,* one for people who might have things to sell or are looking for things to buy like baby clothes, and maybe one for events that are coming up that people might want to get a group together for, like a baseball game. Then we can keep our in-boxes from being filled with irrelevant items, and only the people who are interested in the topic will get the emails. It can also cut down on the clutter of all those posters and notices up in the break room.”

If that doesn’t work, then another suggestion I have that doesn’t involve you explaining yourself to your colleagues is to set up a filter on your email. Tag the phrases “weight loss” and others that have been common and create a rule that sends those emails straight to junk.

Finally, while again I respect your desire not to reveal your own background, you do have the option of talking to either your boss or someone in HR in general about your concerns about the workplace becoming an unsafe place for people who are recovering from eating disorders. As I said in the beginning, there are a lot of people who just don’t realize that talking about what they might see as a universal struggle could be harmful to someone else.

It sucks that we live in such a fatphobic society, where people internalize this idea that thinner=better, but we do, and some people are still not there yet. I recognizing it is not your job to fix that, but even just casually pointing that reality out to folks during a conversation might get some people thinking. Of course, it might also get them going off on a tangent about how sensitive people are these days, but you know your workplace better than I do.

*Yes, I’m super aware that weight =/= fitness or health, but baby steps here.

I’m currently at a conference for the work I do that actually pays the bills. This one happens to have over 1,700 attendees from all over the country. I’ve attended a half dozen of these over the years, and here are some ways I’ve learned to not be a jerk at these things.

Arrival
Be patient. Yes, hotels often specialize in conventions, but things happen when hundreds of people all arrive around the same time. There may be lines. There may be an error with your registration. Your hotel room may be missing, say, a chair. You are probably tired from your trip in, and that is totally understandable. And you don’t have to put up with things that are unacceptable (if you need to refrigerate medication, they need to provide a fridge), but just take a deep breath, pull out your book, and try to relax. It’s going to be a long few days, so conserve your energy.

Meeting New People
Folks, I am not good at or generally interested in “networking.” In fact, I hate that term because I think it sounds a bit creepy, although I suppose it is straightforward: meeting someone with the hope of using them at some other point, and not because you’re genuinely interested in getting to know them.

I think that also sums up why I hate doing it: it takes a lot of energy to socialize, and I’d rather do it with people I’m hoping to really get to know better. You know, friends.

That said, I have met some really nice people at conferences, and I’ve found it’s gotten a little easier over the years. I’ve learned that it’s not that hard to just introduce myself and then ask a couple of questions about what they do at their home agency or what the typical issues are they have to deal with. If the conversation is flowing naturally, then I’ll stick around for a bit; if not, I just say “it was great to meet you; I know there are a lot of folks here so I won’t keep you. Enjoy the rest of the conference!”

Picking Sessions to Attend
I know a lot of people who pick a primary and a back-up, because let’s be honest: they aren’t all going to be amazing. Sometimes the abstracts don’t really match what the discussion will be, or the speaker is challenging to listen to (i.e., you can’t keep your eyes open). If you do have a back-up or just know that you might need to leave, it is imperative that you sit near the back so you can make your exit with as little disruption as possible.

If you don’t need to leave? Please sit as close to the front as you can. As someone who has presented at a few of these, it’s obnoxious to come into a room with everyone clustered at the very back. Especially when I have slides and I can tell people are straining to see. This isn’t high school; the ‘cool kids’ can still sit in the front.

In smaller sessions, don’t be looking at your phone the whole time. Checking every once in awhile is fine, but if you’re so bored that you just want to scroll through Instagram the whole 90 minutes, it’s less of a jerk move to just leave. Again, as a presenter, it’s pretty discouraging if I look out and see some people who seem to never look up.

Finally, double – and triple – check that you are where you are supposed to be. If you’re in a hotel with multiple conferences going on, check that the food set out as snacks is for your group and not another. And if you’ve been asked to cover a meeting for a colleague, make sure you’re in the right one. These are of course totally hypothetical situations, and definitely did NOT happen to me just this week.

Asking Questions
Oh sweet lord I hate this one with the fire of a thousand suns burning inside of a volcano. I often try to leave larger sessions early if I can so I don’t have to listen to all kinds of absurd shit. Some tips:

1. Jot your question down ahead of time. Doesn’t matter if it’s on your phone’s memo app or your Starbucks cup; just please don’t wing it. There’s usually a limited amount of time, and other people would also like to ask a question.

2. Say quickly who you are and where you’re from and maybe a line that provides some context. For example: “Hi I’m Leslie Knope with the Parks and Rec Department in Pawnee, Indiana. We only have four staff members, so I was wondering if you had thoughts on how to prioritize the ten projects you propose every Parks Department take on?”

In this case, you’ve got your name, job (title usually doesn’t matter, so leave it out unless it’s critical to your question), and location. You’ve shared the uniqueness that you need addressed (not a lot of staff), which provides context for why you want to know which of the ten things the speaker presented on are most important.

3. Unless the speaker engages you and elicits a response, don’t consider it a back-and-forth. If you need clarification, ask them when the session is over. If you find yourself having trouble with this one, consider either handing back the microphone to the moderator or stepping away from the microphone stand to remove the temptation.

4. Don’t ask a second question until there is a lull and no one else is asking their first.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, use this as an opportunity to share a five-minute-long story about your awesome project, or your political views, and then wrap it up with “don’t you agree?” Literally no one cares in that moment. So just stop.*

6. If you think something critical was left out of the discussion, ask about it, but be thoughtful with how you phrase it. If it’s something factual that can be checked (“I’m wondering why you didn’t apply Rule 742 in this case, when it seems to require it”), be 100% sure that it is relevant; it’s pretty embarrassing when people ask such pointed questions (usually in an accusatory fashion) and then turn out to be super wrong.

If it’s more of an opinion or something that requires discussion, consider approaching the speaker after the session.

7. Acknowledge the response with a smile and nod or a mouthed “thank you” when the speaker is done.

Final Thoughts
There are I’m sure a million other things I could talk about, but this is a start. Oh, one more thing. Yes, it is a work event, but don’t forget to have fun and learn something. People have cool, interesting things to share.

*If you really need to share the story, start a blog. Someone will probably read it.