Four Stars

Best for:
Anyone curious about Buddhism and looking for some thoughts from someone who came to the practice a bit later in life.

In a nutshell:
Manuel, a priest in the Zen tradition and a Black woman from the US raised in the Christian church, shares short but thoughtful responses to common questions about Buddhism.

Worth quoting:
Shared a quote from Eihei Dogen: “If you see death as something over there, then you are viewing your life from outside of it.”

Why I chose it:
I am in fact a curious beginner!

Review:
I learned about this book when it was mentioned in a daily newsletter I get related to Buddhism. It seems to be mostly out of print, so it took awhile for it to arrive, but I am happy to sought it out, because it is a lovely beginner book. It’s just over 100 pages long, and easy enough to read in little chunks if one doesn’t have the time to just sit and read it all at once.

The book covers basics of Buddhism that I’ve read about in other books, such as the Eightfold path. But it also talks about things people may have heard in passing about Buddhism that they aren’t sure about.

I think something that makes this book especially interesting is the perspective that Manuel brings, as a Black woman from the US. Many books that I’ve read are (understandably) written by great wise Buddhists from eastern nations such Thich Nhat Hanh, and I obviously their perspectives are important. But Manuel speaks specifically about coming to Buddhism from another spiritual practice (the Christian church), and about being a Black woman in spaces where she was often the only Black person there. She speaks specifically about a multicultural community of practice, and how to navigate the fact that just because you have a bunch of folks following the path of Buddha in one place doesn’t mean you want have conflict.

I think what stuck out to me the most is that if I am going to continue this exploration, I do need to find a community and a teacher, because Buddhism isn’t about reading things in books, it’s about experiencing things myself.

What’s next for this book:
Keep and refer back to.

Three Stars

Best for:
Anyone interested in narratives around people making connections across seemingly large divides.

In a nutshell:
Journalist Ripley explores the concept of ‘high conflict’ through the stories of a few different individuals and groups.

Worth quoting:
“The challenge of our time is to mobilize great masses of people to make change without dehumanizing one another.”

“Hatred assumes the enemy is immutable. If the enemy will always be evil, there is no reason to ever consider any creative solutions to the conflict.”

Why I chose it:
Way back in autumn of last year, when I bought this book, I was trying to figure out better ways to deal with interpersonal conflict.

Review:
It took me a long while to get into this book. I started it back in December 2023, but only over the last couple of weeks have I really gotten into it, probably reading about 2/3 of it in that time. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad book, but I had to meet it where it is, because I don’t think it’s quite what I was looking for. I thought it would be a bit more prescriptive about managing and working through conflict. And while there are tips, and a couple of appendices, it’s more like a series of long-form essays exploring different types of conflicts. And looking at it that way, it’s a decent book, though I do disagree with some point, or at least some of the characterizations the author makes.

Ripley talks about Gary, who lives in a tiny, well-off community in the San Francisco Bay Area, and how his attempts to make change in the volunteer board governing the town deepened conflict within. She interviews Curtis, a former gang member who has managed to leave that life. She talks to Sandra, a former member of FARC in Colombia who decided to reintegrate into society. And she looks at a synagogue in New York that participated in an exchange with corrections officer in Michigan in an attempt to learn more about each other.

The chapters that looked at Curtis’s life I found to be quite interesting, because they look at what it takes for someone to make individual changes, and the support that is needed. Both Curtis and Sandra were involved in serious conflicts – gang wars, and paramilitary battles. And both on some level had to make the individual choice to leave, but they were only able to stay out because of family, community, and financial (possibly governmental) support.

The section with Gary was mostly interesting because Gary found himself deeply mired in conflict but was himself a conflict mediator by trade. Irony! But also a good example of how one can be absolutely knowledgeable about how to help others, but not take their own advice, because they convince themselves that they are right.

I think the struggle I have with this book is that I still am not quite sure how to apply this when the stakes are super high AND many people are involved AND there are potentially ‘right’ answers. And it’s interesting to read this book that was published a few years ago, because the conflict in Israel and Palestine features. Obviously the past seven months have brought this into stark view for many more people that before, and it can be deeply challenging to have conversations about this when the stakes are so high. From my perspective, I just have such a hard time wrapping my head around anyone who doesn’t see what Israel is doing to the Palestinian people as deeply immoral. And there are people who feel even more strongly about that than I do, as evidenced by encampments at universities and direct action against weapons manufacturers. But where is the solution if people are not willing to have the conversations that Ripley recommends? Like, it seems odd for people to have to plead their humanity? And I am sure there are people who feel basically completely opposite to me who cannot wrap their head around my perspective. But neither of us are decisions makers – and they aren’t talking to each other.

I can see it working for lower stakes issues, like choosing a provider for a contractor, or even things that have a wider impact, like tax rates. But for the really ‘high conflict’ issues, if the decision makers, or the people who can make the changes, are not willing to have conversations with people who have different views, what options are left?

Basically, even though Ripley uses some very large geopolitical examples in the book, I see her arguments making much more sense and being more effecting at the micro level. And generally speaking, that probably will work for me in most instances. But at the macro level? How can it work if folks won’t try it?

What’s next for this book:
I’ll probably hold onto it as it has some appendices that might prove useful in the future.

Five Stars

Best for:
People who like to travel to their run, or who are looking for some inspiration.

In a nutshell:
One hundred runs and trails of varying lengths, spread across every continent (yes, even that one).

Worth quoting:
N/A

Why I chose it:
It was a birthday gift.

Review:
I’ve been running for about 15 years now. In those years I’ve run 15 half marathons, and some of the best have been ones I’ve traveled for. There was one in the Black Country near Birmingham, England. That one was run along the canals, and you were released in sets of 2-4 people every few minutes. There was basically no one else around, and the water stations were kind people who live on canal boats and set up little tables along the trail.

Another one was the Paris half marathon. I was in grad school and a friend and I went together. It was HUGE – like 30,000 runners. And it was super cool to run through the streets of Paris, all shut down. That was also the race where they had chips you had to return, and the place where they had folks cutting them off was WAY too close to the finish line, so after about 2 hours there was a huge back-up of people trying to cross. Whoops.

Basically, traveling to run is a cool way to see another city or country. Ideally I time it correctly and arrive a couple of days before the run, enjoy a little job the day before, run the race, then have some time after to really enjoy and explore the place.

The book is gorgeous on its own, full of color photos of the race locations. It is laid out in six sections (one for each continental area, with the Antarctica race included with South America). Each race section includes a sparkline of the elevation, the distance, elevation, and terrain. There’s a narrative about the race, and details of how and when to sign up.

Many of the races in the book are longer than I’m happy running – I may be done with half marathons, and I’m definitely not about to train for a marathon or an ultra marathon (meanwhile my running coach is currently training for like a 90km race in the alps and I’m just like … sure). But there are some races that have a 10k associated with them, so I’m looking at those. It’s fun to make plans, even if I don’t make it to a lot of them. Always fun to set some goals.

What’s next for this book:
Keeping it and using it to plan some trips!

Four Stars

Best for:
I mean, as it says on the tin, right? Also maybe if you’re considering becoming a parent? Might be good to consider checking it out.

In a nutshell:
Author Gibson explores the different types of emotionally immature parents, the impact that can have on their children as children and as adults, and offers ways of continuing on in relationship with such parents without further harming oneself.

Worth quoting:
“Emotionally immature parents can do a good job of taking care of their children’s physical and material needs. In a world of food, shelter, and education, these parents may be able to provide everything that’s needed. In terms of things that are physical, tangible, or activity related, many of these parents make sure their children get every advantage they can afford. But when it comes to emotional matters, they can be oblivious to their children’s needs.”

“Emotionally immature people, on the other hand, often take pride in their lack of [emotional work]. They rationalize their impulsive and insensitive responses with excuses like ‘I’m just saying what I think’ or ‘I can’t change who I am.’”

Why I chose it:
Well, I am an adult child. Am I an adult child of one or more emotionally immature parents? My therapist would probably say yes…

Review:
I can’t really review this in as much detail as I would like without revealing more about myself than I feel comfortable doing. But what I will say is that after spending some time in therapy last year, the concept of emotionally immature parents came onto my radar. I’m not going to specify which parents this might apply to; I will, however, share that I found this book to be full of highly relevant information that helped me to both better understand myself and help me sort out new approaches to interacting with the parents in the future.

The book is laid out quite well, with clearly defined and contained chapters. Gibson starts by exploring the impact of emotional immature parents on their adult children’s lives, then jumps into helping the reader sort out what an emotionally immature parent it. There’s a checklist / quiz here that I found helpful and eye-opening.

Gibson theorizes that there are four types of emotionally immature parents, and explores how they differ. There are three chapters in the middle that I found a bit less helpful than the others, partially because I think I already explored the ideas there in other ways, but these sections are probably quite helpful to most folks: they’re about different ways us as adult children react to being raised by emotionally immature parents. The final chapters are full of tips and tools for managing the relationship with an emotionally immature parent, which is really what I was in it for, and what I am looking forward to trying out in the future.

I think a lot of folks in my generation (Xennial) and younger are taking the time to explore and improve their emotional lives, and part of that work involves looking at their relationships, including with their parents. While this book might not be what my peers would reach for initially (it’s not marketed in a clever pop non-fiction way), I do think it’s worth checking out.

What’s next for this book:
On my shelf and to be referred to regularly I’d imagine.

4 Stars

Best for:
Anyone interested in the world of romance fraud, as well as anyone who likes a lot of humour in their non-fiction books. Oooh, also anyone who gets some satisfaction out of people who dick around with said fraudsters.

In a nutshell:
Author Holmes gets a lot of clearly fake requests on social media, and so decides to play along, wasting the time of fraudsters while also investigating what makes them tick – and how anyone can be victimized by them.

Worth quoting:
“It always annoys me when people just write off the victims of romance fraud as being stupid. I’ve interviewed between thirty and forty victims, and not a single one was stupid…”

“…what I also find interesting is the difference in language used when talking about male and female victims of scamming … the blame shifts and seems to land squarely on the woman, whether she is the scammed or the scammer.”

“We need to stop referring to people as ‘falling for’ a scam. We don’t say someone ‘fell for a burglary’ or ‘fell for an assault.’ Romance fraud is not something that people ‘fall for’; it is something that happens to them.”

Why I chose it:
I mean it’s a great title. I too was once messaged by Keanu Reeves on Instagram. Sadly, nothing came of it.

Review:
What an interesting and – despite the serious subject matter – funny book.

Author Holmes decides to join various social media platforms, and, like many women, is immediately bombarded with messages from men of … dubious origin. But instead of blocking and ignoring, she decides to engage with them, wasting their time (and hopefully tying up at least some of the time they could be using to scam others) in all manner of ridiculous texts and photo exchanges.

The book definitely includes discussion about people pretending to be celebrities as the title suggests, but thats just the focus of one chapter. It’s a much broader look at online romance fraud, and Holmes does a great job making the subject accessible and really digging deep into how it can happen, but sharing stories of people who have been scammed. She also explores some of the biggest groups of scammers – spending a lot of time on Yahoo Boys, which was a group I’d never heard of, and which I was concerned might be a bit sensationalized as they are located in Nigeria (and lots of people have some racist assumptions about Nigerians and scams), but they are indeed a real thing.

Much of the book includes excerpts of Holmes’s interactions with scammers, which are both hilarious to read and also deeply disturbing, as one can see how these scammers really try to ingratiate themselves into the lives of the people who they fleece. It’s distressing and it really sucks for those who are victimized by them.

One area Holmes really focuses on – and which I call out in the quote I share above – is how judgmental people are when it comes to romance fraud. Frankly I hate that for people – much like I hate pranks. I realize they come from very different places, but in the end the joke (or crime) is ‘ha ha, you believe in people, you idiot.’ Of course it is easy to see red flags in hindsight, or when one is in a totally calm, stable, non-traumatic point in their life. But people aren’t always in the perfect place – sometimes people are sad, or lonely, or have just come out of an abusive relationships. And it sucks that people are not only harmed by the people stealing their money and tricking them into thinking they are in love, but also by their friends, family, and society with their judgment.

She also spends time looking at how little support there is for the victims of this fraud. There is ‘Action Fraud,’ which is where the police refer people in the UK (where the author lives), but they sound both under-resourced and ineffective. Police don’t investigate, banks don’t really care, and family members judge. It stinks.

Overall, I think this is a good book for anyone (including those who thing they are ‘too smart’ to ‘fall for’ any such scams), both because it is well written but also because I learned quite a few things and it helped me remind myself about the need for empathy for people whose main ‘fault’ is trusting others.

What’s next for this book:
Keep, maybe pick up a copy for friends who might find this interesting.

Three Stars

Best for:
People interested in the concepts of immigration and human trafficking.

In a nutshell:
Keef explores the life of Sister Ping, a woman who helped smuggle thousands of people to the US from China, and along the way looks at the history of immigration laws and the lengths people will go to when they want to build a different life.

Worth quoting:
N/A

Why I chose it:
I’ve read all of Keefe’s other books, and really enjoyed most of them.

Review:
I am someone who has managed to immigrate to a new country. I was born and raised in the US, but thanks to a skilled worker visa my partner was able to secure, I have managed to get the equivalent of a green card in the UK, bought a home and am waiting on a citizenship decision. My ability to do this required me to be married to someone with a ‘scarce’ skill set, and to have the funds to support such a move.

But so many people do not have that option but want it, and because of the absolutely mammoth hurdles people have to overcome to be able to immigrate to a new country, many seek alternative options. Enter the Snakehead, a.k.a. Sister Ping, a woman who took serious advantage of the desperation of those who wanted to leave China and move to the US.

The book starts with the horrors of a ship having washed ashore, with undocumented individuals thrashing about in the waves outside Queens, New York, emaciated and not able to speak English. It then drops back to explore the history of immigration laws in the US, interwoven with this story of a woman and those who worked for her, taking money from people in exchange for bringing them to the US.

I found the book itself a real challenge to get into for some reason, unlike Keefe’s books on the IRA and on the Sackler family. I think it is his first investigative book, so perhaps his craft has developed over time. But I also find the underlying topic so interesting, heartbreaking, and frankly infuriating. I find immigration laws overall to be a bit absurd in their complexity – I think it’s kind of silly to have borders as they are now. I of course understand the desire to self-govern and set ones own norms and rules within one’s own community (city/state/nation), but considering it’s basically just a roll of the dice in terms of where you are born, I don’t understand how anyone can rationalize making it so hard for people to move about.

What’s next for this book:
I’m still waiting for him to announce his next book, and I’ll definitely pick that one up whenever it comes out.