Say the Thing by Kami Orange
Written by Ashley Kelmore, Posted in Reviews
Rating:
4 Stars
In a nutshell:
Boundary coach Orange shares her thoughts on setting boundaries and offers different possible responses to all sorts of things folks might say that cross the line.
Best for:
Anyone who isn’t sure what to say in the moment.
Quote that made me think:
“When you don’t tell people what’s okay and what’s not okay, you’re setting them up to fail.”
“Hmm. I am not the right person for you to share that with.”
Why I chose it:
I was about to go visit a relative who has a tendency to say and do things that I disagree with or find generally unpleasant. Also Orange showed up in my TikTok algorithm awhile back and I find her to be a delight.
Review:
When my partner and I were having a wander around the city we now call home, we were crossing a pedestrian bridge and taking in some gorgeous views. We were stopped by a white guy (that’s relevant, I promise) who asked if were from there. We (also both white) said no, but that we were loving it and thinking of moving there. He said something to the effect of ‘It’s great, except for all of the (insert folks from a nation that is part of the Global Majority) who have moved here. They’re so dirty. Have a good day!’ And then he just moved along.
I’m disappointed to share that we didn’t say anything in the time. I think we were just so gob-smacked that someone felt that a) they should share that opinion, and b) they should share that opinion with us. After reading this book, I feel like I have a few options if I’m ever confronted with such an experience.
Now, I said I chose this book because I was visiting a relative, and the above is clearly about an interaction with a stranger. But that’s what I loved about the book – Orange recognizes one response doesn’t fit everything, so she offers up three different basic scripts that one can adjust for the specific scenario. The first would work for above – called “Public Now.” That’s for when you’re in public, you’re faced with a stranger doing something that is impacting you, and you choose to speak up.
The other two are for people you know – there’s “Private Now,” where you bring up the issue in the moment, and there’s “Private Later,” where you’ve perhaps been stewing on something a bit and aren’t sure if it’s really something you need to set a boundary about. Each has three or four little segments, and you fill in the blanks.
This discussion takes up about twenty percent of the book – the rest are examples of boundary phrases that can work to address all manner of specific issues where one might want to set a boundary. Things like someone talking about someone who has ADHD, or making a racist comment, or a transphobic statement. She covers over two dozen broad topic areas, with some more specific sub-topics.
Would I recommend it to its target audience:
Definitely. It will take some practice but I think her approach is helpful.
